A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi im 24 years old and i have a 3 year old girl, i fell in love with a man that is 48. when we met at work i did not know he was married until 2 weeks after we started talking. his wife found out about the both of us and called and told me to get out of her marriage, i told her lets let your husband decide. well he wanted me. she kicked him out in feb. and we moved in together in march, we are engaged but his divorce is not final. do you think that he is prolonging this because i know she filed but he was suppose to pay her attorney. or do you think that im just being paranoid.
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at work, divorce, engaged, fell in love, moved in Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): In the state where I live, a person can't validly get engaged if still married to another person. So if you start planning a wedding & pay nonrefundable deposits to the caterer, etc., and he promises to pay half but decides to go back to his wife before paying you, you would have no way to get the money from him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 July 2012):
 I don't even understand how you can consider getting ENGAGED to a guy who is STILL married. Yes, he may be over his marriage and his wife and he may want to ride into the sunset with you, but WAIT til all the paperwork is done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): whoa, hold your horses, girl!!you're both moving way too fast, because divorce is a slow process and takes a huge toll on people. it's going to be very messy for him and his family (especially if he has kids) if he's not even out of his marriage yet and already has one foot into a new one (engagement). This is not a good idea.Divorces can be long, drawn out and messy especially where there's kids involved. And especially if it is NOT a no-fault divorce and in this case the wife definitely can claim he is at fault by committing adultery, and the proof is that she confronted you AND as a result he's already engaged to you right now! The judge will not look favorably on him in the divorce settlement. This might make the divorce really messy and drawn out and could take many months.Divorce is a huge emotional toll on both parties. Your new man is not going to be "himself" during this time. Therefore I would caution you against getting engaged to someone who is in such a transition because they may not be their true selves. for example he may be using you as an emotional crutch right now and under normal circumstances your relationship might look very different. He may be happy to be engaged to you because he's simply looking to replace one marriage with another to cushion the discomfort of the upheaval that a divorce is.another real potential problem is that people often take some time to emotionally detach from their ex-spouse. even though they are divorcing, it doesn't mean there aren't still feelings and moments of doubts and second thoughts and longing for what used to be. Now's not the time to be getting involved with such a person. He hasn't yet moved on, he's only just beginning the process of moving on but some times that involves going backwards as well which is difficult for him but normal, but will be very horrible for you when he has those moments where he pines for his ex-wife and doubts if he should try to make it work with her again. Therefore the time to get involved with someone new is after their divorce is long gone history and they have grappled with their doubts and maybe even tried to go back and work it out and failed and thus all feelings have for sure died.And if he has kids it's really going to do a number on them to have two new major life-altering events happen at the same time: parents divorcing AND daddy getting married again thus bringing into their lives a new stepmommy and step-siblings. Most kids have a tough enough time dealing with either one of those events, let alone being hit with both at the same time. Because of this the judge may penalize him when it comes to custody of his kids if the court thinks this is detrimental to the kids' emotional well being. This can again lead to long drawn out court battles and delay the divorce by many months not to mention put your guy in a horrible mood.I would advise you to call off the engagement, and slow down your relationship or even put it entirely on hold until after his divorce is completely over and he has established a new life on his own without her. Then you can resume the relationship from a clean slate. In the meantime he should move into his own apartment. You will also know if he is serious about you if he will wait for you and deal with his divorce problems on his own and not be dragging you into it or using you as a crutch to get through it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): Well just as you told his wife to let her husband decide whether he wanted you or his wife, now her husband will decide when to finally decide to divorce his wife. He chose to have an affair, he chose you, he will now choose when to divorce. Do you have a habit of sleeping with another womans husband? What will you do when he cheats on you? Will you tell him to decide who he wants: you or the other person. You didn't even know this married man yet you quickly moved in and exposed your 3 year old to him? Not very bright were you? You did not even bother to check out whether your married man is morally sound (lol)n whether he is is pervert/paedo; whether he's an abuser of any sort . Nothing. You saw: you wanted: You took. And now you sit with the sh1t! Did you think you could quickly get a fairytale wedding? Fairytales only exist in the movies. In the meanwhile while you wait for your married man to divorce his wife and marry you, why don't you concentrate on being a better mother. Channel your energies making her environment safe both emotionally and physically. Is your engagement a valid one? He has barely removed his wedding band yet he bought you a rock as a token gesture of commitment to you. Can he be married as well as engaged to 2 different women. I will look this up in my law journals and get back to you. LoveGirlLoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): Every state sets its own laws, but for a no-fault divorce it seems to be pretty common that a couple has to be separated for a year before filing for divorce. And if there are any disagreements about custody, child support, division of property, etc, the proceedings can drag on for a long time once the papers are filed.
Since your bf and his wife have only been separated for a few months, she probably filed for a legal separation rather than a divorce. You'll have to be patient.
BTW, are you sure he won't dump you for a younger woman in a few years?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (5 July 2012):
 I think all of this has happened very quickly and you need to be very careful about this. Personally I think you should consider postponing your engagement for awhile. Getting engaged while someone is still in the process of getting a divorce is not wise. Even if the divorce is amicable, there is a lot of emotional baggage and unfinished business that people need to go through mentally. I also hope that he is contributing to your new household both financially and physically, and didn't move in with you just to get away from his wife. I also think bringing a new man in to live with you so soon after knowing him could cause problems with your little girl. I am sorry to be so discouraging on here, but when I read about these situations, a red flag always goes up. Out of respect for you, and his wife, he should wait until his unfinished business is taken care of before he even thinks about getting married again.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 July 2012):
 What are the time frames necessary for divorce in your state?
Do you need grounds?
In the state I live in a couple must be separated for one year before they can even FILE for divorce...
every state is different
you are talking less than 6 months... most divorces are not that quick especially if there are kids or property.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): yes I think he's prolonging this because he is emotionally unstable. Look. He's been married to her for a number of years I imagine. Then he starts chatting you up without bothering to divorce her first. It's only when she finds out and flips out that he finally makes a choice. OK so he chooses you, that's fine. Maybe his marriage sucked and he wants out, fair enough. But he's moving real fast don't you think?she kicked him out in feb (so he didn't choose to leave, she had to kick him out and make that decision?), and within a month he's moved in with you and engaged to you even though no divorce can happen that fast.This guy can't be alone for a minute, can he? He's obviously been unhappy with his marriage and is just using you for relief. being so unstable, it's no wonder he's prolonging his divorce because he's probably having second thoughts now about giving up his marriage and his life with her and their kids. Remember he didn't decide on his own to man up and leave her, he was cowardly sneaking around behind her back and only when she found out and SHE kicked him out and SHE filed for divorce, is why he is getting divorced. So for all you know he may not actually want to be divorced from her and could be trying to stop it and make her change her mind, all while using you for comfort and as a back up plan in case it doesn't work out with her.
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