A
male
age
51-59,
*a325
writes:Hello, Let me just come right out and say it, I fell in love with one of my wife's friends. Yes, I'm sure I will get bashed here but it wasn't something I planned on doing. I have known this person for 7 YEARS and always found myself with her even before having the feeling of love that I have had for 7 months. This last summer I was out of work on disabitlity and our kids spent a lot of time together. My wife knew I was with her. We talked a lot and be spent a lot of time together. She explained to me she had a crush on me for years but never told me because of our marriages. My wife and I had a dull marriage, we were never affectionate lovey dovey nor did she even sleep in bed with me I have 2 kids and so does my gf. I'm so in love with my gf now I can't stop thinking of her. I lost the love for my wife years ago and also the attraction. I am so attracted to my gf, I so want to be with her and do all the things we talked about. I am such a romantic and can't be with my wife. I want affection and to hold hands with someone I truly love. I find myself home thinking about her constantly and my gf does the same. We are both miserable cause we are not together. I worry about my kids (how they will accept me. They know my gf very well. I can't break it off with her because my heart won't let me. Do I stay with my wife for all the wrong reasons? I am so confused. We are so compatable, so in love. I feel she is my soulmate. Does this ever happen?
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male
reader, Been There Too +, writes (12 December 2016):
I have reached the other side of this particular predicament. I too fell in love with a friend of my wife. We spent a few years denying it. Then, we spent a few years seeing each other occasionally, but contacting each other extraordinarily often with mostly texts and emails. We tried to end the relationship numerous times because of what we felt was the moral thing to do. But our hearts wouldn't cooperate with our intellect. Our children reached college and beyond when everything finally broke wide open. S*** hit the fan and friends and family fairly quickly fell on one side or the other. For nearly a year we tried to be apart and tried to work it out with our respective spouses. But those relationships were not as fulfilling as what we thought we had found. What we found was the result of a connection that I didn't think existed. It was not to hurt others, which is what it must feel like for those on the other side. We then finally had a chance to be together after some violence took place from my now partner's husband. It also turns out that my then wife had also been cheating on me with several people throughout our relationship and marriage. We have elected not to broadcast this info to friends and family which does make us the poster couple for infidelity. But we know the truth, and that's enough. We have been together every moment since then (over four years now). We have grown tremendously as a couple and are both relishing every day together. We still text and talk very often while we both are at work and talk once we get back together in the evenings. Our weekends are pure bliss. We underestimated what we thought was the beginning of a great thing. It is even better than we had hoped. But this new normal has come at a price. We faced extraordinary pressure from most family, our children, and other friend groups, of which much is still in disarray to this day. Our children still do not want to acknowledge us as a newer couple and maybe never will. Some friends that originally wouldn't talk with us have come around once they see us interact as a couple. But others probably never will.So, with that background, I will tell you that if you really are each other's soul mates, really cannot live without each other, are willing to accept intense scrutiny, judgement, and lose friends and family members, it is possible to come out on the other side in an incredible relationship. But divorce is not for the faint of heart. I understand your situation and hope that peace and love have reached you in whatever form is best for everyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): Can you give an update to this scenario? What did you end up doing? I am in a very similar situation and it would be helpful to hear what happened 7 years later.
Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): When u meet your soulmate you have a sense of peace about the whole situation. You can't imagine spending a moment of your life without them. It's feeling Like you are one and u even finish each others sentences. It's putting the other person first and feeling immense joy at their happiness. I was in a committed 6&1/2 year relationship with a man I loved, but wasn't in loVe with. We both planned on marrying but I was the one doing all the pushing in the relationship. I met Charles and knew him for a few months and I fell in love with him. I knew that I had met my soulmate. Only problem was that I had a bf. The moment I realized I was having feelings for someone else, I talked to my bf. When he didn't know if he was in love with me I told him we shouldn't be together. He knew I was in love with Charles even though I didn't say it. Even though it was hard to leave the comfort Zone of my ex I am so glad ThT I am with Charles. I have truly experienced the greatest love and understanding I have ever known and once that happens there's no going bck. My only wish was that I would have left my ex sooner when I wasnt happy cuz I know that it just dragged. Out for him an he still had feelings. My advice is think of your kids an think if this woman is really everything you need or if it's just what looks good right now. U and your wife have obviously been over for a while. U both need to leave each other if ur not in love and happy. Your heart is elsewhere and it's not fair to your wife to stay when ur heart doesn't belong to her. Whatever decision you make think about how it will affect your kids. Be respectful! And above all else listen to your heart. And if u have found ur soulmate cherish that cuz not everyone has the opportunity to experience that. It's a beautiful thing. Good luck my dear
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male
reader, ma325 +, writes (16 March 2009):
ma325 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone here has been so helpful to me. I swear its the hardest decision of my life. I recently tolf my who I think is my soulmate that this cant be any longer. Just for my kids sake.And I find myself even more depressed now. Im trying to make an honest effort to make things better here with my wife but I cant put my entire effort into it because my heart and mind cant let her go. I so know I have lost all of the love for my wife. We can be roomates yes. But I cant even get myself to hold her hand even to console her. Im a mess. My wife has told me that my kids esp my son will not take this well because he knows my Gf so well before this all happened and that he will be mad at me because I would be living with her and her son who were good friends. She said that will go same for my daughter who her other son is of same age. I feel as if I did wrong by telling her we are done. And it was sorta against my will but only looking out for my kids best interest. My wife has told me that if it were someone they didnt know it would have been better for them. Hence now my wife wants to fix our marriage, how I cant seem to find the way cause I have lost alot of love and attraction to her. Even before this happened. I miss my GF and we had so many dreams to be together and do so many things with all the kids. The kids were a priority to us. The other problem was her husband is still living there and my GF said when im ready she will move him out cause she is in the same boat as me as far as their relationship is concerned. She has told me he is fed up with her cause she is doing the same thing I am here and he may leave her soon. I feel I made a bad decision, I stayed for my kids and feel like I lost a person who I love so much and have so much chemistry with, I feel like I lost my soulmate.(
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): You shouldn't stay together just for your kids. As someone else said, kids are resilient and they will bounce back.
The overwhelming truth is, it does not matter why you are no longer in love with your wife. From the sounds of it, the marriage has been going downhill for some time now. What matters is that you aren't in love with her anymore, and because you aren't, it is necessary for you to move on. Would the absence of this woman (your girlfriend) bring back the love you once had for your wife? Probably not.
My advice (based on the limited amount of information given) is to do what will make you happy... if that means leaving your wife, then that's what you need to do. Make sure your kids never doubt that you love them, and that they know nothing (including divorce) will ever change that, and in the end, they will be just fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Before you divorce your wife, have you had counselling? I mean you have known your “soul mate” for 7yrs and wham decided you are in love 7 months ago. You are emotional and might not be thinking clearly. You say you don’t love your wife, which happens and does not make you a bad horrible person. But you owe it to your marriage to find out why you fell out of love with your wife and why you have these feelings for her friend. Don’t leave your marriage and jump into another one. Think, get a professional perspective before you head for the courts.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 Kids are actually fairly resillient, they will be ok with this in time. If the situation at home with your wife is that bad, this will actually be worse for your kids than if you left.
You will always be dad to your kids, and they will love you no matter what happens. As long as the break-up and divorce is a fairly smooth process, with no fighting over the kids, and then you make good plans to see them regularly then your kids will be fine. Of course they will be upset for a while, and they wont really understand what has happened.
While there is never a good time for a marriage to end when kids are involved, the ages your children are at now are probably the "best" time to cope with the end of mum and dad being together. I say this because any younger and it will really affect their development, and any older and they will find it harder to accept. Whereas if you do this now, in a few years time it will just be normal to them as they will have grown up with mum and dad not being together.
I think you are using your children as an excuse here; you are just too scared to bite the bullet and do this. If you are "dying" inside then you have to leave; as I said before it sounds like this marriage is already over. Your children will be fine with this in time; just dont let the divorce get messy with fighting over the children.
I hope this helps!
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reader, ma325 +, writes (11 March 2009):
ma325 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI still havent left and im dying each and everyday that passes. ITS BEEN MONTHS AND THE ONLY REASON IM HERE IS FOR MY @ KIDS ; one 11 and 1 who is 8. I cant get myself over the hump to know they will be ok with this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): i just want to say that i am in the same boat as you are. i also am in love with another man who unfortunately has a girlfriend. i've expressed my feelings to him, and also told him that i believe we are soulmates. i have seperated from my husband 8 months ago, and for that reason alone have been happier. but there is still something very major missing in my life...my soulmate. it breaks my heart when i'm near him and he's with her. i know he has feelings for me too as we have discussed this many times. i believe he is scared to leave her because there is a child involved. i wish you all the best and hope that you do the right thing...she is in your life for a reason...she's your soulmate...go to her and be with her...your life will not be complete until you do...you MUST be together. i would do anything to have my soulmate in my arms and tell me those 3 words...until that day, i will never be complete.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): Eve, thank you so much. I so am in love with her and yes known her for so long first as a friend where our communication and humor were so alike. I found myself with her without any love feelings. We have grown to love each other on that basis over last 7 mos and it wont go away. I do believe she is my soulmate.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 February 2009):
 I totally disagree with PVT guy, soul mates DO exist, not everyone finds their soul mate in this lifetime, not everyone can even BE with their soul mate but we definitely all have one. How can it be infatuation? He's known her for 7 whole years AND they haven't slept together so where is the infatuation/lust there??? We're on here to give people advice PVT guy, NOT judge them and call them names like "pinhead loser". If you can't give constructive advice then I suggest you refrain from answering such questions altogether.
By what you've written I'd say you and your wife have been unhappy for a number of years, you don't even sleep in the same bed together! Your wife knows how you feel about her friend and the friend's husband knows how she feels about you... It's much better to split up and have the kids in 2 happy homes than stay together in the same house with a lot of troubles and tensions, this will do more damage to the kids than you both separating. Kids are resiliant, they adapt much more easily than we give them credit for. IF you know for a fact you truly don't love your wife any more then I would call it a day and separate.
It might be a good idea to live on your own for a period of time rather than jumping in right away with your friend (that's if she leaves her husband for you) and certainly don't let her be around at the beginning when you have the kids over. Introduce things again gradually with them and don't let them see you and your friend all loved up for a while as this will only confuse them.
Yours is not the first marriage to end and it won't be the last. Sure, it might be difficult for everyone, adapting in the beginning but this will become easier with time. The main thing is that your kids still have their dad and you and your wife can be as amicable as possible around them.
We all make mistakes in life... maybe she is your soul mate and maybe she's not, but if you both feel the same way about each other and have had these feelings for one another for so long then I say go for it!
Good luck to you...
~Eve~
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): So your wife says you're hell to live with. Is there something you're not telling us here?
Don't you know any problems in a marriage that haven't been solved will only carry on into all your future relationships? Just a little food for thought.
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male
reader, ma325 +, writes (16 February 2009):
ma325 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo we have never been intimate. We could have but never did. We enjoy each others company so much. I feel like a different person with her. I fell for her 7 mos ago and it wont go away. My wife does know of her and my feelings for her and so does her husband. We were so bad emotionally that we both told our spouses why we were miserable at home, that i had feelings for her and her for me. I know she would leave for me based on what we talk about. She is going through the same emotions I am. I know im wrong, its hard to get rid of her. My heart wont let it. Everyone can bash me, but until your in this position I dont think anyone can really understand. Im sorry
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 February 2009):
From the way you talk about your relationship with your wife it sounds like it is already over? And by calling the other woman your girlfriend it sounds to me like you are already committed to her and not your wife, so I dont really see the problem here?
You mention that your wife says you are hell to live with; and you dont want to be with her anymore - so why are you together? When two people are unhappy then it affects the children - if you both come to an agreement where you can leave but still see the kids then I think that will surely be problem solved?
A word of warning here though, you have to remember your children in all of this mess. It will be a really tough time for them to see their parents going through a seperation and divorce; you must be respectful towards them. So dont bring the new girlfriend with you to family occasions etc, they do not need to see you together for at least 6months-1year after you seperate. Otherwise they will think she is trying to replace their mum and will blame her for their parents seperation. Same goes for you and your girlfriends kids.
One other thing I am wondering here; is this other woman going to leave her husband too? You have no guarantee that you will be with her once you leave your wife as she is still married too!
If you and your wife are not happy then it is simple, there is no need to prolong your unhappiness. Your wife probably should have kicked you out already seen as she knows you are cheating on her! She deserves better than this and you deserve to be happy. So do the right thing and leave but make sure you have a system set up to pay maintenance for your kids and make sure you continue to see them on a regular basis.
But be cautious with the new woman - new love is always exciting and exhilarating but this new feeling wears off and sometimes whats left is the exact same as you have with your wife.
good luck!
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 February 2009):
Tell me this... does your wife know you and her "friend" are seeing one another? Have you been intimate with your girlfriend and if so for how long?
~Eve~
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male
reader, ma325 +, writes (16 February 2009):
ma325 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am so not thinking with an engorged penis. These are feelings from my heart. Why is it so wrong falling in love anymore? To feel wanted and loved by someone who makes you feel good. I want to love and be loved. My wife claims she loves me but dont even sleep in same bed with me for years. Is that my fault I seek affection and love cause I didnt get it from home?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 February 2009):
 Just saw your update, your "girlfriend" sounds like a real conniving bitch, she had no right to tell you such things EVEN if they are true, which I highly doubt. What about her husband?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 February 2009):
"Does this ever happen?" What do you mean? Lusting after a woman other than your wife? Of course it does. Does the 7 year itch ever happen, of course it does. Do men ever leave their marriages to be with this love interest then regret what they threw away for the rest of their lives? Of course they do. Can two cheaters ever find lasting happiness together? Sometimes but not often. Just make sure you are thinking with an unclouded brain and not an engorged penis before you do this nasty piece of business to your family.
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reader, ma325 +, writes (16 February 2009):
ma325 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy wife has told my gf many times of issues my wife had with me She told her many details about our marriage that I know are true. My wife told her she wants to leave me and im hell to live with. My gf knew how my wife felt about me and told me what my wife has said which makes it hard to be with my wife. My gf knew this for many years and never let me know about them. She thought if your wife dont love you and I do then why is there a problem with that.
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reader, ma325 +, writes (16 February 2009):
ma325 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI definitely don't think the reason I fell in love with her is because out of her appreciation for me. I truly feel she is my soulmate. In spending time with her I learned that. Like I said I always found myself with her even before our love kicked in. I can't do much these days because she's on my mind so much and I honestly tear up just by missing her. When I'm with her I feel like a new man, happy and even my wife has told me that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): How many times have I heard this??? Too many. Husband and wife stop giving each other special attention and time together, then they WONDER why they're feelings aren't stronger than they should be.
If you don't keep your marriage alive, you'll be in 'existing' mode.
What you really want is a more intimate relationship with your wife, but are settling for this 'fantasy' homewrecker girlfriend. What is the attraction to a woman that betrays her best friend anyways? That alone should be a turn off.
I know- you know-I can't have any sympathy for a man like you. In the end, if you leave your wife, SHE will be the one getting a better LIFE. Because then she'll be free to fall in love with a REAL man that wants to protect and value their marriage.
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reader, x_Raquel_x +, writes (16 February 2009):
 Hi there... firstly i would like to say i am sorry to hear about the predicument that you have here.. i would like to offer you some advice, what you do with this advice is completely up to you.
I understand that you do not feel love or passion for your wife, however... i want you to think about the time that you did feel love & passion for her, you must have in the beginning as you have built a relationship and had children together.
Your wife is the constant in your life... always there regardless of how you feel about her, your children, they are only here because of the love that you had for their mother...please think of that time before making any decission.
on the other hand, You need to think of the reasons for your feelings for this other lady, are they purely because of the time that spent together when you were ill? could they possibly be out of sympathy, after all she did boost your confidence by telling you that she had a crush on you, and this clearly made you feel appreciated.
there are a lot of things you need to think about in this situation... in time feelings do change and situations change too.
dont get me wrong, I would normally suggest getting out of a relationship that you are not happy with, however, this may hurt alot of people in the process, there isn't just your feelings that you need to concider, the last thing you want is for your children to dissown you for hurting their mother, which may or may not happen... all dependant on your childrens age... the older they are may determine how they feel about this.
I would suggest to think long term, weigh up the pros & cons before making any drastic decissions.
I hope I have helped
Good Luck
Raquel xXx
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