A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. I am suffering extreme heartache and I would like to know how to get over it or reduce the pain. I'm waking up at 6am crying as reality hits that he doesn't want me and has left me and for someone else. It's going to sound crazy that I was in love with him when I only met him and was with him a few months. And trust me, I know it seems mad. I'm not some teenager who is with a first crush, but a 31 year old woman who has been in long term 5 year relationship in the past and have dated guys longer much longer then him, but didn't feel as much as I did for any of them as I do for him. He has really affected me and I can't sleep, eat or think of anything but him. So I meet Tony on a dating website 2 months ago, as I thought I wanted to meet someone now, ready to settle. He was first date date (had others the same week, but not like him) and sparks flew. We then proceed to date each other exclusively, he was perfect, my ideal man. Couldn't have put together anything better myself. Connected on every level, same tastes in film, music, books , same humour, same goals and the sex was incredible. Totally clicked. Only thing was he said wasn't looking for a relationship, though if one comes along and it happens then great, but no expectations we said. He also kept saying things like "I'm worried I'm going to be a disappointment to you" and once we talked about just being friends on account of his commitment issues, he said under his breathe "where else am I going to find someone like you" anyway, every now then he'd freak out, which I thought was commitment issues. He told me to just ride through it. After an amazing weekend last weekend he suddenly went cold, I mean from talking everyday to nothing and a one line reply to email and text. I called him up on this, he admitted something up and had really nice weekend really nice and he found out we had lots in common, but he needs to talk to me. Later that evening he called... I can honestly say I was not prepared for what he said: that a year ago, he met a foreign girl in the UK and they dated for few months and really fall for each other big time. But she had to leave and return home...they have been talking past few months and she's coming to the UK, permanently next week and he wants to be with her as they have such a connection. His sorry, that he does feel for me and didn't want or expect to and it's all gotten to be complicated. His not sure what will happen but he loves her and wants to be with her and would like to be my friend, but understands if I don't want to. That was it basically, so the whole commitment thing was a lie, he just didn't want to commit to me. I texted him a few days ago... stupidly! obviously he did not respond as its over and never hear from him. My friends have been great and I know that he can't be that great if did what he did. But I just want to stop the hurt and I'm feeling worse as why didn't he chose me! I can't help feel that. Any tips to stop thinking/wanting him. Or caring?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): Im sorry this happened to you. He sounds like a player. Either he is telling the truth and he was in touch with his ex while dating and sleeping with you. And now shes about to return he has ditched you. If so, not very nice of him. Firstly because he shouldnt have been using a dating site if he was in talks with his ex about her return to this country and a reunion. Secondly not nice of him to be dating and sleeping with someone....while in talks with his ex about her return to this country and a reunion! My take is that he is a player and has moved on to someone else he met online and the `ex coming back` is an excuse to allow him to move on without too much fuss from you. I think he is leaving the door open with this excuse of a returning ex. If he said he already had a partner (which he might have) or he had met some one else online, you would have been be off like a speeding bullet after a few choice expletives! But by saying its an ex and they want to try again, he leaves you wounded but sort of understanding. That gives him the option of creeping back to you if `things dont work out` with whoever hes got there.Either way, he took from you with no plans to commit and left as soon as something else came up, be that what it may. I dont think it is a failing of online dating. The same people date on them that you bump into in the street, bar, club, library and live next door to. It is the people that are good or bad, not how you meet them.For my money, I would give yourself a few weeks to recover from this person and then pick yourself up, dust yourself down and put him and his antics firmly behind you. Dont fall for the old `lets be friends` scenario because he is just trying to put you on a back burner in case his current situation, whatever that may be, doesnt work out. Ive a feeling he will pop up on the dating site again, using one of his many profiles no doubt. If he does, tell him to buzz off. Seriously, hes not worth the grey hairs or worry lines. He was probably mirroring all your tastes, likes and dislikes because thats a fast way to ingratiate yourself into someones favour. Who knows what hes really all about. The important thing is you do KNOW he had some one else in the back ground while he was sleeping with you and he `forgot` to mention that important fact. So he's a frog not a Prince. The usual frog/prince analogy doesnt work for me. I found there were plenty of Princes around but they turned into frogs on being kissed! So chuck this frog back in his puddle of mud and keep the faith. One day you will kiss a Prince who will REMAIN a Prince after the kiss. Finding that one is what you need to focus on, he is out there! Just try not to waste too much time grieving over the frogs, they seriously arent worth your time. The more time you lavish on them the less time you will eventually have with your real soul mate. So you go girl and dont worry about that sad loser. Goodness knows what hes really getting up to out there but one things for sure. If he can be sneaky with an ex or whatever behind your back, take from you and leave you feeling like this, you really dont need his sorry old butt in your life. You arent crying for him, you are crying for who you thought he was. Understand the difference and you will recover faster x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): Was this off one of those free dating sites? I too believe its for the lonely and desperate. I have thankfully never had to use one and would be expecting exactly what you got if I did. Try getting dressed up, get your hair done, start going out and be seen. Of course some will object to what I say, but they are the ones who have had to use them and they are in denial.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (26 November 2012):
 I agree wholeheartedly with anon below me. Comments trashing all Internet dating and those who use them are unhelpful and hurtful. These unconstructive remarks are always made by anons.
There's nothing wrong with how you met this guy. What Internet dating does remove, however, is that common link you'd have had if you met through a friend, for example. So you have to take it slow, really slow. As Aunty Em says, the hurt is much worse after there's been sexual intimacy.
Also look out for signs even, no especially, if you don't really want to hear them. Him not looking for a relationship (when you were) and the comment about disappointing you were both amber or red flags.
Sorry all this happened to you. Take your time, look after yourself and be patient - don't wallow in misery but don't try to rush to get over it. X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): Soveryconfused and ironman both said it well...As far as the rest of these people who are saying insane things like, what did you expect from online dating sites, or judging that there must be something wrong with all people on dating sites...well lets just say they are off...way off.
Regardless if you meet someone online in a club or online at the post office you can meet a great person, an ok person, or a quack...I have been very successful and unsuccessful as an online dater in her late thirties into her forties.
I am very sorry for your heartfelt heartache. I have to point out one thing that disheartened me in your post OP and that is you said that he said he would disappoint you...that raised a huge stop sign for me ..MEN ALWAYS say what they mean, he was broadcasting his un-involvement with you. As a woman in her thirties I believe that you should take heed here forward and believe when a man tells you he doesn't want a commitment or doesn't want to get married or says your too good for him or that he will disappoint you that he is there for a very, very short time before he finds the one for him (which is not you). I don't believe he had ill intent, just that he felt that he may still really like this girl and he wasn't sure that is why he was afraid he might disappoint you, which he did. he isn't a bad person, he just wasn't for you.
I know that doesn't make you feel better but trust me you will find love and don't give up on dating sites don't listen to others just be careful and screen better.
I wish you a quick recovery over this heartbreak.
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (25 November 2012):
Hi - I went through exactly what you have gone through... falling madly head over heeling in love at the age of 38 - and it was the same for both of us in the beginning. Then she realised that other factors meant more to her than me and she ended it... long story short - i ended up with broken broken heart.
it does take ages to get over things like this - ages.... im afraid. yes after weeks and months the thinking about him will fade till once in a week maybe (its been a year and a half) and then sometimes in my dreams she is still there.... but I have met someone else whos just as lovely and who loves me for me. And the pain has been washed away by genuine love and caring. and i love her in a different way to the other one.
things will get better - dont rush it.... and dont try and instantly forget IMHO it makes the hurt last longer....
best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): i know you believe youre heartbroken, but did you not excercise caution when meeting men off dating sites? did you not know what type of people may be on them?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): I know it might sound a bit cheesy, but I came through something similar a while ago and the thing that helped the most was a book my friend gave me called 'it's called a break up because it's broken'. I'm not usually into the whole self-help book thing, but it really helped me a lot so it might help you too? I can't remember the authors' names but if you google it I'm sure you'll find it. Other than that just take care of yourself. Treat yourself to things like a massage or a warm bath, anything to make you feel better and above all give yourself a break. It doesn't matter how long you were with him, your feelings are still legitimate and you need to give yourself time to get over the loss. I really wish you all the best as we have all been there and it's not nice at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): You got used. I admit I have had many women off dating sites because it`s less hassle. I just tell them what they are longing to hear and sex follows. do not take it personal, you wont have been the first and you wont be the last.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 November 2012):
 I'm betting he did like you but that he still loved this other woman. I don't think she was planning on returning but now that she is, he's with her.
To be fair he told you from the beginning he was not up for a commitment. the problem with that statement is it's only a partial statement... they all (men and women) leave off the important part "with you"
because no matter how much a person does not agree with commitment or marriage, WHEN they meet the person that touches their heart the right way, all those things fly out the window. It happened to me. I started dating a guy and I had NO intentions of anything other than fun and games. Not that I don't believe in marriage but just did not want it again... and to be honest was NOT available for it... met a guy who said "marriage is useless, I don't believe in it".... turned out that he had just never fallen in love... we got married in October.....
I NEVER believe someone who says "I don't believe in commitment" because I've seen men in their 50s get married for the first time....
It hurts what he did. I don't think he did it to be cruel... I think he thought she was never coming back... and he was trying to move on in the most honest way he knew...
how do you get past it? ONE day at a time.
One day you will wake up and you won't think of him till you are in the shower...
a few weeks later not till you have your coffee
then a few weeks after that on the commute to work
one day you realize you have not thought of him till LUNCH...
yes dear that's healing...
the first night you lay in bed and he comes to your mind for the first time that day is the day you know you are almost healed.
How do I know this pain? I've been there done it... several times all over 20 years ago and I survived... you will too.
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (25 November 2012):
 I read this and as soon as I saw it was off a dating site it changed the whole scope. First of all, it was a dating site, so what did you expect? I think you fell in love through desperation. You want to meet someone so desperately that you thought you had found the one. In truth, you hardly knew him. He wanted it and you gave it. cruel I know, but it`s the truth.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 November 2012):
 Hi
Simple fact was he was committed already,to the other woman and now she's back,you, who has been keeping the bed warm for her, are no longer required.
Yes he probably did like you, but thats all.At least he didn't just vanish which is pretty common.
Put it behind you now, he is history and does't deserve your tears.You have good friends so be with them,they and your family are the ones that DO care. Don't keep thinking about the whys and why nots just look forward not back.This time next year he will be a distant memory.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 November 2012):
 Just accept that you were duped by him, accept that it was never meant to be because he was lying from the start and accept that you need to move on quickly and forget him. Hanging it out and clinging to hope only means you will suffer for longer and for no good reason.
He did the dirty on you but Im gonna say this. Don't sleep with guys too soon because it makes the break up so much more painful.
Hope you recover soon.
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