A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I finally pulled the plug and broke up with my married lover but now i feel worse. I am having an extremely hard time getting over it. It was an ugly break up and even though he begged to remain friends and promised to be the man i met in the beginning, i declined and respectfully told him that i couldn't continue with this any longer. He would alway tell me that i was everything he wanted in a woman and his excuse for us not being together due to military ranking, although valid was always questionable in the back of my mind. I would always watch him post how much he loved his wife and how great of a woman she was all over social media but then he would sneak around behind her back. I could never understand how one could do that. He was living a double life and no matter how many times i tried to separate, he would always pull at my heart/fight to get me to stay and i could never understand why. Now that i needed it, i felt good at first, hurt but good that i finally ended it, but now months later, i revised his social media and see another post he made about his wife. Now i know that him and i are over and should have never been a thing in the beginning, and yes i was wrong, but seeing the post still hurts because it makes me feel like everything he ever told me was a lie. Then on the other hand, i think he posts these things just for show, which is something he used to tell me when we were involved. Granted, they dont look or act like a loving couple but i really need some relief to help me understand why this is the best decision for me. I need some comfort because i cant help but take his post personally when he says that his wife is the best when he used to tell me that i was everything he wanted and how much it hurt that we couldn't be together. Please help. Again, i know i was wrong and have ended it but i need help moving forward because my feelings make me feel like i did the wrong thing. How could he move on so easily and go back like nothing every happened?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@aunthoney Thank you for your response. He would still be married if the wife found out because she did and she still stayed with him, no consequences. HE had no remorse for what did when he found out and pursued me even harder at that time. I could never understand it. I do believe you when you said that he wanted to be friends to win me back because i brought something his life and all he did was take from mine. He knew how much suffered in all of this because the "friendship" would always be a secret as well. I don't really read to much into his posts anymore, i think i've become immune to it because i know its all fake. Im also pretty sure he has done this before and probably does have another one on the side. Its sad that if i know that, i know his wife does as well, after all, she's been with him longer... and yet she still remains with him knowing that he isn't faithful. We as women all know when something isn't right or get an inkling when a man is cheating....i guess she chooses to live with it... I digress, none of that is here nor there. I am proud that i rejected his friendship because i do know that i am better off without him even though i may feel like that is not the case at times. I know what he is capable of... he is extremely selfish and is all about appearances....if people only knew the truth. Like you said, you don't post these things about your marriage, and most people don't because they don't need to but he does because he needs to prove that he is a good loving husband (sarcasm)
Thank you again for your response....
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 February 2018):
 Well first off well done on doing the right thing, am sure it was hard when you had feelings for the man but he belongs to another woman. He begged you to remain friends because he more than likely wanted to try and win you back around. I am glad you stayed strong. It would be your life you would be ruining staying with him.
I don't believe in excuses! If he truly loved you and wanted to be with you then he would have done the right thing and ended his marriage before ever getting involved with you. He has no principles. You mentioned he didn't tell you he was married until it was to late. That makes him scum! He is a liar and a cheat and believe me you are much better without him. He can use all the excuses in the world why he has to stay married, but I wonder would he still be married if his wife knew the truth? Why would he even take thoose important vows with her if he was going to have sex with another woman! There is no excuse on his part at all!!
He didn't think about your feelings when he posted things about his wife, he said it was all for show but for who?? I don't post things like that about my marriage, and nor do I feel like I have to. Also his wife obviously believes they are happy and that is why he is posting these things, to keep her sweet. I cannot understand how a man can lead a double life like this and not seem to care an ounce about what he is doing. I do feel for you that you fell for his charm, but I feel more for his poor innocent wife who married him.
My best advice is to block his social media, checking up on him is only going to make you feel worse. There won't be a trace of you there because you were his secret. All you will see is his life with his wife. You are only going to keep hurting yourself more and getting more angrier! For all you know he may have found himself another woman by now to have an affair with. Of course everything he told you was a lie, he lied and cheated on his own wife, the woman he committed himself to so of course he is going to do the same if not worse to you as well. He obviously only cares about himself in all of this. He told you both the same thing to keep you sweet. I know that is a bitter pill to swallow, but if you go back to him you will always be the mistress. Don't you want more from a man? A commitment? Someone you can trust? He probably moved on because well he still had his wife to come home to, nothing changed there for him. Unfortunately you are the one left on your own. Even if you where both still having an affair you would still be the one alone at the end of it. Try and aim better for yourself. Remember that your happiness is important!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@heartlove thank you :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@heartlove Thank you, i appreciate your support. Im going to take it one day at a time.
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female
reader, Heartlove +, writes (24 February 2018):
You blocked his FB page ... score!
??????were all cheering you
in as you move forward.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2018):
 You can do it!
We all make mistakes in life, accept that he was one of yours. Don't waste time on regrets and people who aren't worthy of your time and affection.
You can do better and will do better.
Chin up and best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie You actually made me laughably calling him a piece of shit. I wish i had as many friends as you and i never thought i would ever be in a situation like this. I will do my best to not occupy my mind with the why's...its hard because that is how i cope with things, through understanding. Im sure i would never get the truth from him even if i asked for closure so i didn't even bother. rationally thinking, i know i did the right thing, but emotionally it feels like i didn't.... I will do my best
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2018):
How do I have so much wisdom? - well, I'm older... I have a large group of friends who talk about subject (such as cheating, relationships, marriage, feelings, you name it we talk about it) I listened and I learned. I watched and I learned.
Doesn't make me especially wise, OP.
I have been cheated on in a relationship so I KNOW how the WIFE feels, but I also know how devastating if feels when someone you have cared for have LIED and MANIPULATED you for quite a while.
As for the "damage control". Well, if he has decided that he IS NOT going to leave the wife, and to make sure SHE doesn't decide to leave him... Social media is definitely used as damage control. Because what he is displaying is what he hopes SHE wants to see, her family wants to see, their kids (if they have any), friends and coworkers. It makes him look like he is TRUSTWORTHY all around good guy. He has a reputation to maintain. Online and off-line.
Like he did with you, it's a form of manipulation.
When it comes to social media MOST people do the same. They post stuff they WANT others to think is going on.
You can't have a FRIENDSHIP with someone you have romantic feelings for. My guess is for HIM, he wanted to keep you "friendly" so you wouldn't go to his wife or make HIS life difficult. Being your "friend" gave him access and opportunity to keep manipulating you.
However EVERYTHING HE DID to you should NOW become irrelevant because YOU have to take the "trash" out so you can move on. You are NOT going to feel better or do better IF you hold on so fiercely to how badly he treated you and how much you loved him.
The SOONER you accept he is a piece of shit that NO LONGER has a hold on you, the SOONER you can move on and find YOUR happiness.
You can ruminate about this man until the cows come home in order to TRY and glean WHY he did what he did - but it's NOT important! What is important is to figure out WHY you let it continue. WHY you stayed. WHY you got into an affair. YOU CAN NOT change him or his behavior - YOU can only change YOURSELF and how YOU react to things.
Words are cheap OP. He can make ANY promise to you he wanted to. Doesn't mean he would keep them. LOOK at this actions? You weren't a priority in his life, you were BARELY even a part of his day to day life. You were on the sideline.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@heartlove thank you for your reply. I know social media is a big lie but it all still hurts. I did remove him from all of my social media, i just had a relapse and went to his page and to my dismay, the post was public. I immediacy put a block on it so i dont ever have to see anything like that again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous 123 Frist fall, if you want to be so negative and nasty, id rather you not respond. You dont know my situation and i did not choose to get involved with this married man, and i was never his mistress, we were friends. How i got involved was not my fault. I didn't know he was married until after i was emotionally invested so keep your misguided judgements to yourself! Not that you deserve an explanation, so im just going to leave it at that. I BROKE IT OFF WITH HIM, HE BEGGED ME TO STAY AND I DECLINED. I can careless if he went back to his spouse, thats not what this post is about, this is about healing, understand and moving forward...
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (23 February 2018):
 He moved on because you were just his side piece. You didn't mean anything, sadly.
Please get therapy. It takes time, but you can't hold on to him (even in your mind) and waste your life on someone who was never yours to begin with.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2018): @honeypie - I agree with what u are saying but it is a bit harsh considering - humans make mistakes and not everything is set in stone
Let me begin by saying that anything that ends is hard and I myself have been caught up in the social media and words of a man - I agree that what people post is not necessarily the reality - and looking at it kills because ur not like that - ur not fake - u don’t post these lovey dicey things - how can he? Well he does because he is a manipulator
Anyone that cheats like him is out for his own benefits - yes he might have cared for u or his wife or this or that but in the end it all about HIM and his benefits in all of this
I know u are hurt and yes there is emotions there because guess what we are all humans but I just read ur post response : this man lied to put u in this situation to get what he wants from his wife and u . Simple as that he wants to benefit from everything - and that is not fair to u or his wife - shame on him -
I know it’s hard and I send a positive vibe/wish ur way to wake up and realize that life is to short for a half lover - a man that can’t be a man - and a human that can’t be noble.
Understand that it is a wave it will come and come and eventually u will swim thorough it and see the sunset in calm waters
U will worse - sad - angry- feel like he was the best thing before all of it dies down and u see it at face value
Stay strong - stay busy - and maybe this was a blessing in disguise
Many hugs
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie How do you have so much wisdom? What do you mean by part damage control? I read your post a few times and understand what you are saying. I suffered a lot in that relationship, even tried at one point to be his fried and even then, I got hurt. He caused so much pain and what makes it hard is remembering the past and realizing how poorly I was treated. He lied to me constantly and i get so angry thinking about it because had he been honest (pulling away from me even though he told me he wasn't) I would have pulled away a long time ago. He knew he was pulling away from me but wanted me to stay connected to him even though he knew it would hurt me... At one point when i attempted tome his friend, i would always be the last one to know about his life (ie. he bought a house and didn't tell me, or he had a business age that he launched and didn't tell me) this hurt me deeply because i truly felt that was not a part of his life. what was the purpose of friendship? what was the purpose of promising to be the man i met in the beginning when the intent was not to pursue a relationship? This is what i think about...
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 February 2018):
Are you really that naive? This man couldn't stay true to his wife, the woman he took his vows with. How on earth did you think he would be faithful to you, his mistress?
You need to get over your feelings and there's no magic way of doing that because realisation comes from within. No one can convince you or explain anything to you that you don't already know. You cannot expect any sympathy for choosing to have an affair with a married man. It's like sticking your hand into the fire and then saying "Ouch! That hurt! How could the fire do that to me?"
Any normal, rational adult knows that an affair almost never works out and the married person goes back to their spouse at the end of it. It's not rocket science. This had to happen... It's almost a scripted thing with every single affair. Why do you think you're any different?
King Edward left the throne and changed the course of history when he married Wallis Simpson. When you want to be with someone, that's the length you're willing to go to.
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reader, Heartlove +, writes (23 February 2018):
My take... breaking up seems to often precipitate Mixed emotions ...you loved and probably still Love this man? Sounds like you do. Did he love you? Well I can't answer that. It sounds like he did very much. I know you can be in love with two people At once because I've experienced it.( I don't wish that experience on anyone.) Not to excuse The relationship or behaviour ( I'm not one to judge) but we are human and Sometimes we let our heart and feeling take center Stage and sometimes we let our heads and ethics Dictate decisions behaviour etc. You're relationship grew from A series of decisions and letting go is a process; will not happen Over night.. (as we all know) in a weak moment you can Second guess your decision you made to break it off .But you did the right thing ... even though staying with him or even going back Probably FEELS like the right thing.Why? Because it will put a band aid on your hurt... but it won't move you in the right direction. You'll yo yo through emotions and end up where you started before you called it quits if you go back.Now to address moving forward ... one moment at a time. Again the momentum is a series of decisions you'll make...Don't take FB too seriously ... we all do it's overrated!! Photo shop pics, comments are" overThe top" reflecting a life we're living that can be like smoke and mirrors. Probably the best thing is to block him from your page And vice versa. It will make it easier on you... but if your can't do that or not ready don't Beat yourself up. You're going through a grieving process ... it's takes time To get over a relationship ... sometimes a tiny dose of antidepressants Help the process.. I have a relative who broke off a relationship With a man she deeply loved ... knowing it was the right thing.She told me she cried all the time and lost 15 pounds ... once she got On a low dose antidepressant she could cope better . ( not saying that's what's you Need .. just sharing the information) Getting involved is very good advice hobby etc as the first person who already Responded to your post said .You're second guessing your decision and your self worth. You are no doubt a caring person who is worthy...of a happy life We all are. .i know it's hard .... let yourself grieve cry etc when needed. Make an intentional effort to do something to move forward... Volunteer .. drive with lyft ... get out in the community ... etc stay Connected with friends in person .Please keep us posted ... you're not alone. .
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2018):
First of all, STOP "stalking" his social media. Since you made the choice to end it for good then CUT all contact that includes social media. This isn't good for you.
First off, social media is NOT a reflection of reality. It's a reflection of WHAT the poster wants the WORLD to think his/her life is all about. So all these "I love my wife posts and our life together is oh so great" is somewhat a lie. While he might LOVE his wife, what he puts on social media is NOT the whole truth or the day to day reality. It's part fantasy and part damage control.
However, THAT doesn't mean that he loved you deeply. He certainly didn't treat you well, like he doesn't treat his wife all that well. He is a LIAR and a CONMAN.
It seems he was VERY good with words. You HAVE to realize that he said a LOT of things to you in order to manipulate you. Manipulate you into DISREGARDING your own morals and common sense. And he was VERY successful at it.
He conned you into thinking that his rank in the military meant he could be with you. What a load of rubbish. Even high ranking MARRIED men divorce their wives if the marriage is not working out. And adultery is NOT punished in the way it USED to be for a military man. A married officer could lose his commission, rank and social standing if cheating - now... all he will lose (and he doesn't always lose that...) is his security clearance.
So when you FELT that his excuse was questionable back then... you should have listened.
A man (or women) can CHEAT and still love the life they have with their spouse, they can still love their spouse. BUT above that love - they LOVE themselves more and will not DENY themselves someone on the side.
BEST thing you can do now is focus on you. Things you LOVE to do (and no, no married men, OK?!) hobbies - things you enjoy, like travel or theater, cooking, painting - whatever rocks your CREATIVE side. Take some classes. Get out an meet people. (not saying look for a new man, you aren't ready for that until you are over this guy) but don't sit at home and feel sorry for yourself that the "fantasy" of the affair didn't end as you had liked. It will do you no good.
Time to live life.
As for how could he move on so fast.... well, does it really matter? You NEED to let go of him 100%, that means thought about him and trying to "figure him out.
Maybe the fact that me moved on SO fast should tell you that YOU need to move on too and stop wasting ANY more time on a man who DID NOT want to make you a priority in his life.
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