A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay man and have been with my partner for almost 14 years. We married last year. I love him completely but over the last few years he has developed terrible depression and I can't lift him out of it. We have tried various things to keep spice in our relationship including the occasional threesome. These were always fun but I discovered that my pleasure came from my husband being intimate with someone else and deriving happiness from someone else (not purely from sex but also just spending time in the company of someone else). I have since discovered this is called 'compersion'.A few months ago we developed a friendship with another gay couple. This was purely platonic. Within a short while the couple (who had been together for 6 years) broke up. We offered the guy who was kicked out of the house to come live with us until he got himself sorted out. Our friendship has developed and eventually I became sexually active with him (though my husband did not). Over time it has developed into a close emotional bond between the two of us. The friend has suggested that we consider living as a throuple. I have discussed this with my husband but he is horrified at the thought and thinks this diminishes my love for him or that he's not enough for me. I often feel very low about myself and think about his life if I wasn't around. It's mostly the thought of the two of them being together that I find comforting. But I understand now that I can't force my husband to love someone else.The friend has been through his relationship breakup, loss of a job and the death of his father in recent times. I'm not ready to throw him out but equally I don't want to cause any more hurt to my husband.I really don't know if my husband will ever forgive me and am considering leaving him so that he can start afresh. I love him incredibly and only ever saw the benefits of what a third person would bring to the relationship rather than the hurt I've inadvertently caused.Should I leave him and break two hearts or is there a way I can salvage my marriage without destroying my friend in the process?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2018): Post script:
Maybe it's time you and your husband sought a new therapist for his depression. Maybe the one you have is ineffective.
I suspect your partner is skipping his medication.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2018): [EDIT]:
"Straight-people are guilty of the exact same nonsense."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2018): In an effort to modernize and recreate the institution of marriage and committed-relationships; have we gone too far?
People always manage to find someway to twist and mangle things that should stay sacred and just the way they are. Love is built on trust, it requires maintenance, and it takes a concerted/mutual effort between two people to make it thrive. Relationships go through challenges, and we encounter obstacles that get in our way. The test of endurance is placed upon all kinds of relationships. The challenge is, keeping it together whatever comes our way.
What proves anything to be durable, is by testing it for strength. Like a car is put through all sorts of tests to see what it can stand-up to and remain road-worthy; before it is placed on the market and presented to the world. It's value and price will be based on its reliability and performance. Our relationships should withstand distance and rough-roads. The victory is in seeing it through. The value and reward of its durability is that it lasts!
Gay people fought for the privilege of marriage, I will not call it a right; because everyone doesn't deserve it. Some only want to do it; because they want a pretty ceremony and to live-out some frivolous fairy-tale fantasy. Straight-people are guilty of the exact some nonsense.
If you bring other people into your committed-union, what is the point of vows, a ceremony, and all that? Oh, people are so quick to call things "archaic" or "old-fashioned;" when they want to turn something God-made and precious into a pile of crap.
Then the unholy mess they get for doing that, is their just karma!!!
You get redemption out of realizing it, and turning it around. Then things will fall back into place. Not without a lot of work and true determination. It takes two!
In alternative-lifestyles or new-age relationships; it seems you do everything you'd do if you were single. Eventually you will invite someone in who will change your feelings, they may separate you as a couple, and they will add more complications to an already strained or tumultuous relationship. Divide and conquer! I cite your marriage as the prime example. Some doors you just don't open, my friend. You threw the baby out with the bathwater!
You and your spouse took vows. Now comes a challenge and you're ready to bail-out. Bit-off more than you can chew?
Depression requires treatment and time to heal. You can't just snap your fingers; and he'll just come-out of it, like he was in a trance. He needs time and he needs therapy. He needs your patience, empathy, and support. Like you have for that unemployed-moocher you took in. The f-buddy/home-wrecker, to be more specific.
Be sure your husband is regularly taking his prescribed medication, according to his doctor's instructions. Often the episodes of depression are prolonged; because people skip their dosages, or stop altogether. They don't tell anyone; because they don't want to be pressured to take them. So their suffering and decline continues.
You both didn't have a strong enough relationship to bring others into your marriage. I'm gay. I had a relationship that lasted for 28 years. My partner died of cancer. We had our ups and downs, we faced the world together; and we worked to overcome our challenges. We stayed strong. Unlike many gay-relationships, we knew in order to maintain what we had; we had to remain faithful to each other, and fight temptation. Good Lord, that was not easy!!!
He cheated, and I caught him in the act. It took time. Vigorously, we had to work together; but we got past it. I will never allow anyone else to cheat on me. I will forgive them; but I will also leave that person. My trust and my loyalty is valuable; and I will not have it devalued or taken for granted by anyone ever again. I believe vows are sacred and they mean something. They're not just empty words. If you stick to a contract on paper, stick to your vows! All actions have consequences. Because we're human, we have laws and sign contracts. Because we don't always keep our promises, or do what's right.
Yes we make mistakes, and everyone deserves forgiveness. Another chance. That doesn't mean they get to stay. I can forgive, and move on. That's just me. The purpose of vows is to proclaim and promise to your chosen partner, you plan to stick it out. Leaving each other is the last resort. People go from one extreme to another. They either stay in an abusive, trouble-ridden, or violent relationship; or they'll easily give-up on one that only requires some work. Yours only requires some work. He still loves you. Do you still love him? I mean really love him, or just thought you should say so?
What you need to do is get that unemployed troubled third-party out of your home. Then you and your partner needs some couples-therapy. He already goes to therapy, I hope; but now you both need it together. You need to re-build trust. Re-establish what you mean to each other. YOU need to learn some patience, and not be so quick to go dip your wick and party-away your troubles. You married that man for better or worse; instead you two are dibbling and dabbling in promiscuity and complicating your marriage.
Now you're bored with his depression. He's a Debbie-downer, and you want out!
Let your friend take care of his own problems. You have a marriage to save. Seems you're more concerned about the friend than the man you married. Get your priorities straight, boyfriend! Leave the other guy. Not your husband.
You wanted to get married, and assert your rights. Now make it all worth what others went through to get it for you.
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