A
female
age
41-50,
*atyie
writes:Last night I found video on my boyfriend computer, about a week old, of him filming up the skirts of women. I found 5 videos, i dont know if there are more. The video clearly shows his face, and him on escalators, putting his camera phone up girls short skirts without their knowlege. He holds the camera and gets explicit shots of butt/vagina. I am in total and complete shock. I confronted him about it and he started sobbing and crying and begging me to forgive him. He promised that he has never touched/kissed/had sex with another person during our 3 year relationship, but in a way this feels like even more of a violation. Please help.
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female
reader, Natyie +, writes (19 January 2010):
Natyie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you marieclaire, that helps me stay strong.
A
female
reader, Natyie +, writes (19 January 2010):
Natyie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your insight and support.
However, I slipped up last night after he left. After not saying one word to me while here packing up, he called about 15 times (literally), and I didn't pick up. I caved a few hours later and called him back to which he said "I was angry, I wanted to vent, but I don't really want to talk to you" and he hung up. That ignited me, and enraged me, the thought that HE was angry with ME when HE had filmed random women in the street for god knows how long and HE had the right to upset!? I called him back and demanded to know where he was (which happened to be a few blocks away at his friends house). I walked there, demanded he come down, and started screaming at him. I called him a bitch, a coward, a fool, a dirty scary pervert, a freak, everything I could think of. I told him that any tears he cried were bitch tears and that he was a joke to me. I don't even recognize some of the things I said, I was in a blind rage. Then, believe it or not, when those words didn't seem to have an effect on him, I started begging him to come home with me and threatened to kill myself. I also threatened to send the videos to him mom, and his grandmother. With that he started crying again and asked what I had taken (he thought i was already trying to kill myself) and threatened to call MY mom. Its all so sick sick sick sick sick. I told him i felt sick (which I did) and that I needed to go home. He walked me to my door and told me once again that I had ruined this relationship by not giving him a chance. That if it were him that he would have given me a chance to explain. He said that what he did was childish but not as bad as I was making it out to be. Essentially he made me feel like (even more of) a fool and convinced me that I had overreacted and now it was over cause I had made him move his stuff out and there was no going back. I let him walk away, I came upstairs, cried, and lied awake all night.
I took the day off of work today, and made a resolve that this man is toxic, sick, and in reality not the man I thought i was in love with for 3 years.
I'm ashamed of slipping up so violently and embarassingly last night, but it was a wake up call in a way. I'm done, I hope I have the strenght when he calls (if he calls), but I'm done. Thank you all again for your support and for reminding me that what he did was truly truly unforgivable and sick.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): personally if were my husband i would have took this evidence to the police if it were me being filmed in that way i would feel as if my dignity had been raped as well as my body
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (19 January 2010):
Honey, it's the later, and he's trying to guilt you into giving him another chance. Cut this guy out of your life and find someone who will not decide to film you naked and post the video to the internet.
We can all find another love of our lives, when we realize that we've been in an unhealthy (sick) relationship... it sucks, but give it 3 or 4 months and you'll be QUIT happy.
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A
female
reader, Natyie +, writes (19 January 2010):
Natyie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs I type this, he is here in the apartment packing up his belongings. He has not said one word to me since walking in and I have not said one word to him. I am sitting here,just watching him pack. When he called me however, to say he was on his way, he mentioned that the breakup was my fault, since I wouldnt 'try to work through it' and 'accept his apology'. So I've either lost the love of my life since i cant 'get over it', or I've dodged a bullet and gotten a sick, sick man out of life thankfully. I agree more with the latter in my heart.
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A
female
reader, Natyie +, writes (19 January 2010):
Natyie is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Dr.LanceMerryweather ...you have NO idea how badly I want to see it your way. When you've been with someone for years (we live together as well), this kind of behavior knocks you on your ass. He treats me well, and I have imagined building a life with him based on him being the man he has been over the last 3 years. Are you married/in a relationship? And if so how would YOU feel if video of your wife/girlfriends privates were posted on the internet unknowingly. Im not trying to offend you, its a sincere and honest question.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 January 2010):
This is actually disturbing. He's basically a peeping Tom. To be honest, it sounds like he needs psychological help. I'm not sure you're totally safe with this guy. What happens if he films you when you don't know?
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A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (18 January 2010):
 Give the guy a break, willya? Hes just got carried away a little. His behaviour is more immature than perverted. Schoolboy stuff. After all he's the same guy you've always known.
I reckon, you finding him out has made him grow up big time. Give hime a chance?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, HeskimaCerita  +, writes (18 January 2010):
One of my friends recently divorced her husband because of the same issue. I'm not sure about your country, but in mine, what he did was illegal. It's very serious and disgusting, and I understand perfectly when you say you feel even more violated than if he had been involved with these women. I suggest you chuck him out, or at least get him to see a therapist.
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A
female
reader, Natyie +, writes (18 January 2010):
Natyie is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni let him sleep on the couch last night (this all happened last night), and made him give me his key this morning. All his stuff is still in our apartment. I dont know what to do.
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