A
female
age
30-35,
*onya A
writes:Im 21 and my bf is 30.... and we have been together for almost a year. When I first met him I was just head over heels for him because he's everything I thought I wanted. But lately I just keeping asking myself should I leave. I mean we get along great but he just has yet to show me that im really worth it to him. We do.absolutely nothing together if were together is always in the house I mean I understand hes hardworking,man bur he makes time for everyrhing else like his friends or horses or games...etc. But when it comes to me I just get the basic he has a really big close family and there always having events and im never invited. I ve met some of his uncles, his dad, his stepmom, and mom but ive never met the important people like the women of his family. Sometimes just feel like hes ashamed of me and when I asked he completely denied tht theory. So recently his dad died and his whole family came together he didnt even invite me and also not even to the funeral. Am I expecting to much? And everytime I make up my mind he continues to try and hold.me.back I mean ix know he cares about me...but im jus trying to get.him to understand thats not enought. I feel like I should just be alone insted of being kept out of tje circle and always being ashamed because im always questioned like well y are u not at his party?...or with him?...its just hurtful..I might as well be in love with a ghost sometimes...I need some good advice. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, citadel  +, writes (16 June 2012):
Never look at potential. "the man he could be"
You must accept him at face value for the man he is today.
Never count on people changing.
Myself I got out. It's your choice, give it some time, planning, thinking. Don't rush forth in an emotional state.
Find a calmness and a certainty, than make your choice.
A
female
reader, Tonya A +, writes (15 June 2012):
Tonya A is verified as being by the original poster of the question In response to.the advice I recieved...yes he dad dod jus recently passed....and I know tht hes not ashamed of his family..he has beautiful loving family who truly want the best for each other. Its kust that in the beginning of our relationship I see jow he treated his previous Gf and old photos tht were left behind. And its like they did everything and she met the family amd friends and all. Even though his dad jus passed is it ok to break up woth him now? How long should I wait? Ive been waoting patientlt and hes always said ”I need to stop holding my past on you” or ”I will so better and I havent seen much better yet. Ive met some of his family but I just dnt inderstand wat the problem is...I dnt want to leave...and also.dnt wanna sound materialistic or just to clingy. I just know,the man he could be but hes.just not giving it to me....should I leave or,stay?
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A
male
reader, Discovery +, writes (15 June 2012):
My case is a bit different but I totally see myself trying to keep my GF away from my *inner circle and family*. One; because there is almost nothing left of it and Two; because it's a hellhole that I do not in the slightest want to seep into our relationship.
That aside, some people are just more shy when it comes to these things. Or have no idea how to act as the bridge between family and gf - that would be a really awkward role for some guys to fill. I'm sure it has nothing to do with him being ashamed about you; at least I definitely wouldn't. I'd be a lot more scared that some crap would go wrong and I'll end up looking bad in everyone's eyes :P.
Really depends on upbringing and type of family, I think.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 June 2012):
 I think that his keeping you from his family and excluding you isn't the real problem here. This is all a symptom of the real issue...and the one that is breaking your heart.
He is keeping you from the intimacy of his inner life. You said so yourself -- you've met his dad (before he passed), his stepmom, and his mom, and aunts and uncles, right?
The thing is - you're being hurt because his choices are ranking you in a place you didn't think you were, and that's that he doesn't have a desire to have you in the most intimate and permanent parts of his life. This speaks to how he sees YOU in his life.
After a year, I can understand his wanting to go to the funeral alone, as that is a heart wrenching thing. If it were simply that one instance, I might tell you that he's used to being alone and needs to deal with that death alone. This still might be the case now if you're feeling all of these things in connection with his father's death. Some people in grief seek to mourn alone, and their pushing people away tends to hurt those who are the closest and care the most. In that part, I'd say give him time and understanding.
HOWEVER...
If this was going on before his father died, and he had a rich and full life with friends and such, and never invited you into his world like that, then I'd consider not wasting my time anymore, as he's communicating that he doesn't see you as an intimate part of his life.
When did his father die? If it was less than a month ago, I'd say give him another month and just be there for him when he's ready to open up. It's earth-shattering to lose a parent. If it was a year ago, then there might be some deeper issues, and he might not be the guy for you.
If there are a lot of family events before his father passed away, it could either be that he was embarrassed of you (he could have had a rotten first marriage, or your age difference, I have no idea), OR, he could be embarrassed about THEM and seek to keep them from you and not vice versa.
Like I said -- if his dad's death is recent (as in the past month or two ago), give him a little more time. If it's been over 6 months ago and he's still excluding you from his life, then time to move on.
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A
female
reader, citadel +, writes (15 June 2012):
I just left a relationship like this. It reeks havoc on your self esteem. I left him, and he wrote back simply saying "well, we had good times"
So when I got out NC, period. He was as cold and callus as a clam. I hate him now. I see the light now.
He never had any intentions of taking US further than the tv to the bedroom.
You deserve more, think of a dog that is tied up in the yard and never gets much of anything. Would you call the Human Society. Sure you would. You need to be humane to yourself, unleash yourself. I did and I'm dating alot of really nice men, I've been spoiled rotten, and I also have a life of my own. Busy, busy, and the word you need to say to men is "BUSY" Keep it real, keep you real, and you will have a great life. But I can't tell you how many times I've told my ex "If I wanted to be a ghost I'd be dead"
and indeed I was dead, now I'm alive and wow, it's way better on the other side of that backyard, that stick in the ground, that invisible chain that only I could see.
GET OUT and GET ABOUT... but man, can I feel you.
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