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*hamner
writes: Do I need a swift kick?Hello, I'd appreciate any wisdom that this community could share. I first realize that my issue is pretty small compared to many others, but I still want to do the right things in life.I am a 31-year-old business man with a wife and 1.5 kids (1+one on the way). I love my family very much. I am a member of the Men's Fraternity that helps me understand how critical my role is as a husband and father. I am also a Christian and try to follow God's will as much as I can (and often fail).I work around 40 a hours a week. I travel around 3-4 weeks a year. I am home in the evenings around 6:00p. In the evenings I have dinner with my family, play with my son and go to bed around 11:00p. On the weekends I volunteer 1 weekend a month at Church. After 5.5 years of marriage I am constantly finding myself at odds with my wife when it comes to hobbies. I have had various hobbies over my life. I feel that a man needs a vent for peace of mind. The important thing is that he puts hobbies after God and family. It is easy to let them get out of hand, but that is were a man must find balance. My wife however is one of those "super moms". She stays at home and devotes her entire life to our son and our house. She has some daytime clubs (MOPS, etc), but no real hobbies. She says her calling is to raise children. I have the deepest respect for her.While I love my children I, can't bear to devote 100% of my time out of work playing with my 3 year old. After a few hours, I have to have some kind of adult activity. Perhaps this makes me a lesser parent and husband, but I am just trying to be honest.I would like to call out one specific issue at hand and get your opinions on it. I spent about 8 years of my late teens riding ATV's and dirt bikes with my family (sounds pretty red neck I know). Some of the best years of my life were spent doing this. Last year I decide to dabble in the sport again, and bought a bike (to my wife's protest). I spent the summer washing it, and riding it one day a month. Had a great time owning it and riding it. It was great to own one again. I had more fun talking about riding it than riding (almost as much fun). Felt like life had gone full circle in one small way. My wife and I fought over it constantly. She said I needed to be home, and that we could have spend the $2k on other things. I finally agreed about the money, and sold it.That was last year, and I have missed having it since. I recently came to the conclusion that I would get ride of an old guitar that I have had for years (well before marriage). It's worth would more than cover a bike. I haven't played it in years, and have no plans to. For me I felt like she would see it as trading one 'worthless' object for another. I was wrong. She let me have it again saying that if I was going to sell the guitar I should use the money to buy kids clothes and etc, and that it would take more time away from family. Keep in mind my family is far from going hungry.I have to admit I don't get it. How does me trading one 'worthless' object for another = irresponsbility with money? How does asking for 1 day a month = being irresponsible with time? She tells me I should take up golf. I hate golf. Plus I know that after a couple of times, she'd be rolling her eyes when I tell her that new clubs cost $2k and greens fees are 30 a pop.Do I need a swift kick in the rear?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): My name is Terry. I have been riding dirt bikes for 45 of my 56 years. I have had multiple injuries, the last one was 8 broken ribs and a colapsed lung. I am presently waiting for my new helmet and chest protector which was trashed in my last accident. When they get here I will start riding next week. Riding worries my wife very much, but she would never tell me not to ride because she knows what it means to me. I feel bad for you because I think your wife is extremely insecure. My advice is to get another bike to save your sanity. If you don't do it she will find someting else you aren't doing right. Good luck.
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male
reader, bhamner +, writes (14 March 2006):
bhamner is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to each of you for your feedback. I am at a loss on this one. I realize that I am against a brick wall on this one. I 'stood up to her' when I bought one last year. While it was great, the trouble it caused was regretful. I think that each of you are correct, but it will take time for her to figure this out. I hope it is not too late and too much time passes by for her and me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2006): I agree with the 2 previous replies. I am guessing that your wife resents you having outside interests while she feels called to stay at home looking after the kids, even though you are encouraging her to get hobbies. It seems to me she is playing the martyr and manipulating you into feeling guilty. She may have underlying concerns about your safety when riding bikes. It is so important for both partners to have outside interests - it makes you appreciate the time you have together more and gives you other things to talk about. I think you will have to stand up to your wife on this one and tell her you love her and the kids very much and how important this hobby is to you. She may try to make you feel guilty and say 'Well if you love me/us, then.... - but please do not fall for this. I think you are being more than reasonable to request 1 day a month to your hobbies. If you don't stand up to your wife on this one, I do feel you will start to harbour resentment
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reader, watrbot +, writes (12 March 2006):
Everybody needs time to themselves and I think you are right about this. I work full time and I am a divorced mom and I look forward to the weekends when my daughter is with her dad. It doesn't make you a lesser parent. It makes you human.I think your wife is unreasonable and totally agree with what eddie wrote. Does your wife ever get time away from you and the kids? If she doesn't, maybe she needs to. I know I would need time away if I stayed with the kids 24-7. Good luck and I hope everything works out.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (11 March 2006):
 I think your wife is not being reasonable. Everybody deserves and needs some type of diversion from time to time. I don't think it's the money she's worried about or the time. If she was, she would never have suggested golf. Point that out to her.
Something else is bothering her about this idea of yours. Maybe she resents the facat that she is always at home. Suggest she gets a hobby. Of course she'll see that as you sneaking around the backdoor to get the dirt bike. Why does she need to have you under her thumb like this? That is the question. Is money that tight at home. Are all the bills paid etc?
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