A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have always had an up and down relationship but great sex and alot of laughs for the first few years, he is probably the funniest person I know. Having been together for 10 years (bar a year and a half apart) I have always felt that I have made the majority of effort in the relationships i.e. always being the one to phone, to drive over to him 50 miles away when we lived apart every weekend, and the list goes on. His good points are that he is very funny and, to be honest, is company when I feel alone.After he moved over to my town and we lived together I realised that he could be selfish, manipulative and childish and rarely seemed to want to do anything like go out for the day, cinema, holidays etc., just sit an surf on his laptop. Eventually I moved out to my own flat because the house we lived in was in his name (rented) and everytime we had an argument he would threaten to throw me out or use that as a way to stop me challenging his bad behaviour or failure to help with cleaning/cooking around the home.I felt much better renting my own place, relaxed and free enough to still see him but know that I could feel happy living in my own place. We seem to get on better when he comes over at weekends but now I find that he just wants to come to my flat, sit and watch TV, and expects (although he doesn't ask me to) me to cook for him etc. He does not seem to have respect for me e.g. he will not remove his shoes when I ask him to when he is in my flat which doesn't seem major but I think if I ask him to, he should out of courtesy. I don't know what he wants from me, because he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything in the way of having fun or a real relationship. What's worse is his car broke down 3 months ago and he has done nothing to fix it, yet expects me to pick him up from his house which is a mess and I hate being there, to come back to mine. I feel taken for granted, trapped in my flat and frankly bored. In the last couple of months I have stopped having sex with him because I have lost the urge to and I don't know why. The sad thing is that I do love him but I don't understand where this relationship is going and he makes zero effort. On top of that I am ashamed to say that I have gone onto an online dating website, been on a couple of dates with a great guy behind my boyfriend's back. This guy has treated me so well, I cannot understand why he likes me, is attentive, ambitious, intelligent and interesting. We have ended up having sex as I got carried away when we went out, and now I am feeling extremely guilty and torn about whether to tell my boyfriend it's over or put an end to what could be the start of a really good relationship with a man who is pretty much everything you could ask for. I saw my boyfriend again and I am so upset and guilty as I have done a terrible thing behind his back and don't want to hurt him, yet I can't see how things are going to change and go back to 8 years ago when we had so much fun and were happy. I know he can sense I'm behaving differently and perhaps suspects that something is not right. Am I feeling like this because I should stay with him and work things out, or should I just end it now? I really do like this other man but I'm scared that I just might not be good enough for him either. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): After 10 years he aint never going to change so its down to you to end it for good you deserve a happy fulfilling life
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 I say end it with him. You are making excuses for your own behavior though. People who cheat don't really worry about their partners feelings, or .. they wouldn't cheat. I also believes people, who cheat, have either started to disengage from their relationship or have fully disengaged mentally, they just can't seem to finish the "job" of ending the relationship. If his treatment of you is so bad, it's up to you to stop it. Drop him, end it.
I'm willing to bed that you have been putting up with his crappy behavior for years, which in turn means that he most likely think it's OK with you.
Drop him and find what makes YOU happy, he surely doesn't.
And don't start a new romance/relationship before you end the old one.
Life is too short to stay with someone who doesn't appreciate you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): You probably love your boyfriend but your no longer 'in love', I think when you moved into your own flat it was the end. You knew it wasn't working and lets face it if you can't stand sharing a home then there IS no future together.Time to let go.
Be single a while, you don't have to be in a relationship , take some time out till you've worked out what your relationship expectations are. Why date randoms off the internet, which will probably lead to new problems, go out with your girlfriends instead!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 February 2012):
 You don't know it but you have already moved on. Even by dating other men you are confirming to yourself that you deserve better than the dead end relationship you are in.
It's clear that your BF is not treating you right and staying just for love is absolutely the worst thing you can do.
Tell him you are done and get on with your life and be happy. No guarantees that anything will work out of course but what have you got to lose to go find out?? ... not much it seems.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 February 2012):
 Look - you have cheated on your boyfriend already, maybe try telling your boyfriend what has happened, that will probably be the decision made for you.
There is no trust in this relationship anymore, through your boredom and unhappiness you have cheated so there is no point in being together anymore. There is nothing left to save, you made that decision when you signed up to the dating site. You have been actively looking for a new man, therefore you have already made your choice - the relationship is over and you want someone new.
End the relationship - NOW. There is no point in carrying on like this, you are unhappy and now you are hurting your boyfriend behind his back. Even if he has treated you badly and made little effort, it still is not fair on him to be having an affair. He deserves more than that, so do the right thing and end it now.
As for the other man - I'm not sure jumping into a new relationship is right either. If you are trapped in your flat, yet the flat is your own and you dont live with your partner - then basically you are trapped within yourself and no man is going to solve that problem.
What you need to do is learn to enjoy your own company and not need a man for company. Get some new hobbies, make new friends, go out with old friends, visit family - make your life exciting without a man in it.
You are never going to be happy in a relationship if you cannot make yourself happy - how can you expect a man to love you if you dont love yourself?
I think some time being single would do you the world of good, whereas jumping from one relationship to the next is only going to end in tears, you will drag your baggage from the last relationship into the new one.
Your current boyfriend is not right for you - but a new relationship isnt right either. It sounds like you are very much afraid of being alone, and that is something that must be dealt with before you get a new man. Spend at least 3 months alone, if not more (ideally 6+) to learn more about yourself and learn how to make yourself happy. 10 years is a long time to be with a man, and I'm sure in those 10 years you have changed quite a lot. So now you need to learn yourself all over again, 'find yourself' so to speak.
As I said before, try new things, pick up old hobbies, spend time with friends....do whatever it is you need to do in order to make yourself happy. Once you know how to make yourself happy as a single person, then it will be far easier for a man to make you happy because you will know exactly what you are looking for.
At the moment you are simply looking for something that isnt your boyfriend, because you know your boyfriend makes you unhappy. But that isnt the right reason to get into a new one, you need to take time out before you have another relationship, otherwise the next one wont work either.
Have a think about this, but I honestly believe being single for a few months with NO dating at all is what is best for you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): I don't like that you have serial cheater tendancies. They tend to start new relationships WHILE in a relationship because they don't like to be without a narcissistic supply of attention/affection.
Okay. You are unhappy with the EX thus your reasoning to join a date site.
You need to end it with the Ex for good. You know he's a jerk and like others have stated- he hasn't changed and wont either since you haven't changed yourself and how you respond to the Ex.
Focus on the New Guy, get some counselling. You have feelings of neglect, resentment, and other issues to even put up with the Exs bullcrap behaviour.
You want a fresh start, you'll get yourself some counselling to address why you enabled the EXs abuse.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): Your relationship is clearly dead. You have feelings for each other of course, but you are together out of habit. Someone has to stare reality in the face and say 'it's over'. That might have to be you. It's not wrong to fall out of love with someone. You have been on a long journey with him but it's over. I would not feel guilty about this other man - it is another sign that you have partly moved on. So be brave and finally end your current relationship, which is going nowhere and be free to start again.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 You should not work things out with your boyfriend. If after 10 years he is still the same, he won't ever change. You have to so much more to offer than sex. He is selfish and he is basically telling you to take it or leave it. I can't call him boyfriend. He has this strange view of women that women are in his life only to take care of his needs and not question anything he does.
Lastly you said you worried you might not be good enough for the new guy but you have it backwards. You have been with your now ex for 10 years because you didn't feel good enough to be with a man who cherishes you and takes care of your heart.
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