A
female
age
41-50,
*ianca33
writes:I have been dating my bf for 6 months now, when i first met him he had lost his gf of 7 years due to terminal illness, he was a total mess and pretty depressed obviously. I made it my mission to somehow bring him back to "life" and went through a lot of drama with him. he used to get drunk and try and go visit the cemetery in the middle of the night or cry and feel guilty that he should have done something more.. it went on and on. 6 months later he is doing much better and thanks me every day for saving him and saying he doesnt know where he would have ended up without me. the real problem now is that he fell deeply in love with me and turned into a super clingy needy whiney and very jealous and insecure guy. he will get upset if i mention going for a coffee with a gf (he automatically assumes hes invited) we live together btw. he seems to be suspicious of everything i do or say wants to know every conversation durin my day and every message i get on my phone. i looked into an insurance quote for a coworker and when he found out i didnt tell him about it we got in a huge argument. (co-worker happened to mention it to him when he was there a few days later while they were discussin cars) i feel like im walking on eggshells with him all the time because i never know how he will react to things i consider normal. (if a male friend will kiss me on the cheek its like i've committed a crime) he has very poor communication skills every time we argue and its over the stupidest things you can imagine he will get dressed and try to leave but then feel special when i drag his behind back home (he says now i feel you really love me)this childish behaviour is beyond irritating and its come to a point where i hope every day will end in peace and he wont find something small again and turn it into a mountain. i have 0 interest in sex with him i feel numb when he asks for it and i just wanna hide. i feel so bad that if i leave him i did once already because i started having really bad anxiety attacks from it all and he wrote on my elevator in my bldg in big letters I LOVE YOU and left me notes all over my apartment that he cant live breathe exist without me. i ended up goin back to him after 2 days and he promised to change. so far nothings changed and i even told him he wont change because his personality will always remain the same. i am so confused i dont know if i love him or just admire him as a person because he does work hard and buys me nice things any time he can afford it. and he is having really bad financial issues right now and keeps on saying i'll understand if u wanna dump me cuz i'm a loser who may go bankrupt soon and i know he's just looking for reassurence. i am sooo lost i have no idea what to do in this situation. i feel suffocated but also like his mother and guardian as well. am i even in love with him/ was i ever? i'm not afraid of being alone i'm confident that i would meet someone else in no time but i have mixed feelings and emotions and in a total state of confusion. we are taking a one week trip to cuba in two weeks and i am sooo hoping that will help clear my thoughtssomeone please help!!
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bankrupt, co-worker, depressed, drunk, I love you, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 It's easier for him NOT to accept the help of a counsellor because it will drag out painful reminders from his past and force him to confront his grief, it's much easier for him to play the victim and keep you on 'egg shells' because that way he can manipulate you more easily and never have to take how you feel into . That way he keeps the upper hand, can throw a fit anytime you do something he doesn't like and totally get his own way over everything...it's only been 6 months, I say leave him to it, then he will have to seek help.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 A professional can't help him because they haven't gone through what he did? Don't listen to that crap. Almost everyone in their life has experienced loss. While it may not have been the exact same situation, I know others who have gone through similar losses. A friend of mine just lost his wife of 10 years. She had cancer for 5 of those years and he fought through it with her till the bitter end. He's not alone, even though he feels he may be.
My mother was a hospice counselor for many years. This is someone who helps people prepare for and deal with the loss of loved ones. There are many support groups out there for people who've lost loved ones to all sorts of specific things. If he doesn't want to see a therapist one on one, then suggest group.
No matter what, you need to remove yourself from this situation as quickly as you feel you can. It is unhealthy for both of you. The fighting will not go away, neither will his insecurity.
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A
female
reader, bianca33 +, writes (2 March 2013):
bianca33 is verified as being by the original poster of the question First of all I am so touched that I got so many responses thank you to everyone who put in the effort may god bless you. Second of all, I am even more shocked how most of you i not all put all my thoughts into words and every single piece of advice was dead on accurate. I totally feel that I gained more confidence is doing the right thing and as to profesional councelling or help for him I had offered that t him in the past and it was just another argument he said no one with any degree would ever help him because they didnt go through what he did and that was the end of that conversation. I am tired of feeling guilty and always having to explain myself for the silliest things although I still have a big soft spot for him for the moments that he is loving and sweet makes me feel like maybe the last arguement was the last one yet it happens again like clockwerks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): An intimate relationship based on saving a broken person from themselves is always toxic. When someone has a lot of emotional problems (which could be only temporary just lasting a long time), you would do best to keep some distance from them - such as being 'just' a good friend rather than a lover or intimate partner or marrying them - or you will get snowballed into becoming part of their problem. It's not about being a matyr 'sacrificing' yourself in an effort to save them and taking the pain of the hurt such a person will inflict on you, it's about that type of hurt leading to a loss of love, a loss of closeness, a loss of self-esteem, and just putting YOU into a bad place emotionally yourself that you weren't in before you got tangled with this person.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2013):
 He hasn't really finished mourning his ex and I agree he needs some help, this is not something you can fix for him.
Honestly, I couldn't date a clingy guy like this.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 If you're questioning your love for him which you did towards the end of your question,then you are in the wron relationship. It sounds like you "pulled the trigger" too soon and ae in over your head. Do what is best for you. His problems(and I'm not convinced they are problems) will resolve themselves in time. Remember though, if you leave you will look like the "bad guy
in this so just be prepared for that. good luck
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (1 March 2013):
 You can still support him, but only as a friend.
It was not good getting involved with someone who was still grieving for his loved one and clearly not ready to get involved in another relationship. I'm sure you now realise this.
I think counselling is the only sensible option for him.
You must look after yourself too, though, and he must learn how to function as an independent human being before he's ready for another relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013):
6 months isn't a long time, to get to know someone. He has swept his grief under a carpet and is now clinging onto you to make everything right with the world .. That's why he's so needy.. He frightened to lose you so he clings us jealous paranoid you name it, he doing it. What he doesn't understand is that he's pushing you away by doing all this .. Do you love him? At this point it's no wonder you don't know.
You both need room to breathe .. You need to leave.. It doesn't have to be permanent the now.. As you have contributed to this situation .. You have initial made him dependant on you, much like a child is.. But you aren't coping and we have to think of your health too.
My advice is therefore. This can be all undertaken and implemented in a month..
1. Get him into counselling for his grief
2. Get an appointment with his gp explain the situation as you have done here, express that it's your view he needs CPN to help him as emotional he is unstable at the minute.
3. Get his family involved.
4. Go to couples counselling
5. Move out . Take things slow do not move back until his issues are resolved and he is stronger emotional and you know you feel in regard to him..
6. Tell him his behaviour attitude neediness has been the factor behind this.. He need help professional help. He had just transferred his need to you .. Do not lie to him . Tell him truthfully your confused but you will help him until you both work through this ..
If you do not love him and you have support implemented for him, then you can leave and not feel any guilt.. You have tried to heal something beyond your capacity not knowing what you were getting into and with that you have enabled him to become independent upon you. It would be unfair to just walk away.
He sounds a good guy and you a lovely girl .. So get him help and then give yourself room to breathe before making a choice..
Take care sweetie ( I'm a mental health nurse)
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 March 2013):
The others are right in that he DEFINITELY needs therapy. He didn't properly grieve the loss of his last GF or their relationship. It's a really bad double whammy that will only get worse.
The way I see it, he was a pet project of yours. I'm willing to bet you have a bit of what I like to call the "fixer" mentality. I suffer from it too. You see someone in need and fall for them because you feel you can help them. It's not really love, it's filling a need in yourself. Now that he's "fixed" you seen him in a different light.
Things you can be sure of: he will not change, you should probably break up, and he will be very hurt by the break up. He has to want to change and he has no reason to as things stand. Any change he makes will take longer than you've been involved to take any real effect. You should break up because you are not happy, and really, this is way too early in your relationship for things to be this smothering and bad. Lastly, he will be very hurt, but you should not blame yourself for that. He's clung to you in a very unhealthy way. There could be underlying reasons for this, or it could be just part of who he is. Either way, you cannot blame yourself.
Do what's best for you. I know it sounds selfish, but you'll only hurt him worse if you keep on as things are going now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): I only had to skim your question to see the big picture here.
You basically got into a relationship with a very damaged man because you thought you could fix him, it failed miserably and now you feel stuck as you feel responsible for him but you're being utterly drained emotionally from it all.
The answer is easy; you have to walk. You're not responsible for him he's a grown man and you need to leave this unhealthy relationship. This is not what relationships are supposed to be like OP. You're supposed to be his partner, not his mother or counsellor. You've taken on all his problems, and it's all dragging you down and making you miserable.
I don't need to read the large paragraph describing a load of specific events to know that you know it's time to go. Will you be wrong for leaving? No, you have no choice. You need to get back your peace of mind and start living a happy life without the burden his troubles on you, it's too much.
Will you feel guilt when you leave? You will, but you honestly have more reason to feel guilty by staying. You're holding him back from healing, grieving and pulling himself back together, believe it or not he would have been better learning to cope on his own, you just became an escape.
The best thing you can do for him is to free him of this relationship he's using as an emotional crutch so he can take the time to focus on healing.
The most important thing here though is you. You have to stop playing the martyr here and sacrificing your own mental well being for someone else. Guilt is the worst reason in the world to stay with someone.
Next time OP, aim for a relationship where the guy can offer you a fun, relaxed and non-heavy relationship from the start. He was nowhere near ready to get into another. It'll probably take years for him to get over what happened and it's only going to take longer, the longer you are with him.
This relationship is bad for both of you. It's best if you just go.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 March 2013):
I agree...his problems are way too deep and complicated for you to sort out. If you try to carry on, you will just reinforce his behaviour and make things much worse for yourself.
The fact that you are not interested in sex with him and don't know if you are in love...probably means you arn't.
I admire that you tried to save him from himself but he needs to work through his grief, his control issues and his over dependancy and sadly he can only do that with a neutral person like a counsellor or psychologist.
In hindsite you can probably see that it was a bad idea to get involved and move in with someone so quickly after they had lost someone close. People always need time to get over things properly and if they are trying to force a new relationship to 'replace' a lost one, things are going to go wrong.
Right now you need to step away from him, he is in no fit state to give you a balanced relationship and just buying you stuff is no reason to feel you have to stay.
If he falls apart (and he will) you have to know that it is not your fault. He needs to go through this in order to recover. Suggest to him that you put the relationship on hold until he gets help. Move out but maybe offer to be a friend, but don't let him put the 'guilt trip' on you because that is neither healing or fair.
I am assuming he has a family, so perhaps they could offer him support. Remember, the fact that you feel so suffocated and unsettled could ultimately cause even further harm to him, so best step aside now and let him take his natural course.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 March 2013):
He needs counseling, you should help him to understand that his borderline obsession with you is really more about his fear of loss than his relationship with you.
It's understandable; I can't imagine losing my wife of 6 yrs.
If you want to save him your job isn't done until he's seeing a therapist. At the same time it's not your responsibility.
If you choose to leave him, do it in a way that the sense of loss won't be relived by him as it may devastate him and cause him to "re-grieve" the loss of his girlfriend. Tell him why you can't be with him as his gf, but you'd be happy to be there as his friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): You are in a classic co-dependent relationship with a dysfunctional person. You can google for co -dependent relationships and find lots of articles and books written that will guide you on what to do.
Basically you and him are locked in a toxic dance. It started with him because he is the one who is dysfunctional. But you are co-dependent that is why you feed into it and add more fuel to the fire and furher lock yourself into this mess.
The classic signs you are co -dependent: the very first paragraph you said you made it your mission to fix him the minute you met him. This is how it often starts. With a dysfunctional or out of control or needy person, and someone who gets very emotionally invested in saving this person and fixing his problems for him.
Next sign is how you feel responsible for keeping him on an even keel.
Next sign is taking on the role of his caretaker.
And the side effects are classic too: feeling smothered and resentful and just worn out. There is no love it is all obligation and guilt and fear that keeps you in this relationship, and for his part it is insecurity and anxiety and other inabilities to take responsibility for himself that keeps him with you because you try to do it for him each and every time. You two complement each other in a toxic way and thereby drive each other further into the downward spiral which again is classic co-dependency.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): Hi, I am not telling you to stay but I think his fears stems from losing a partner of seven years and you have become his power of strength and reason to wake up.
I would suggest that he seek professional help as he cannot hold onto you and behave in a desperate manner. To put is simply he is just scared and it leads to his irrational behaviour.
Why dont you ask for a seperation if its unbearable and to remain friends if its possible.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (1 March 2013):
 It sounds to me like your boyfriend needs some expert counselling. There needs to be a third party who can point out to him the effect his behaviour is having upon you and to point him in the right direction. I think deep down you want 'out' but leaving will not be easy. Suggest to him that you both go together for counselling and tell him that it's because you cannot cope with his suffocating behaviour. Also, have you tried asking him how he would feel if the situation were reversed and it was you who was behaving the way that he behaves? It may make him stop and think.
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