A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my girlfriend for just over a year. I am a uni graduate, where she is didn't study after school. She is currently in part time employment and I'm studying.Is it normal to give your girlfriend first priority for everything? I was happy until I feel like I am being happy just because it's chaos if I display a problem, there's crying arguments and usually I lose. This weekend I wasn't allow to make plans because she wanted to stay at mine. after a extremely long week she comes round and we watch TV and cuddle all day and night. I'm sitting here 11.38pm Saturday night listening to people outside having a party laughing drinking and I'm say here in my room stating at walls whilst my gf is asleep (since 9pm)I feel so low and depressed and shit.I had a mate who wanted to come see me Monday, (out of town) she wasn't happy because she said she was planning to go home Tuesday.I feel suffocated yet I can't tell her or I will have to do a lot of listening and contine to listen until I give in. Problem is I care if her heart is hurting but I have now lost all friends, I've got no job or money because I haven't been out looking but instead spending every opportunity hugging. As long as I'm there to hug her all the time the world could burn and she wouldn't care.
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male
reader, Hnk +, writes (25 May 2014):
 I'm sorry to say this but I had a similar experience !
My ex was a lot like her and it didn't end well!
She would blame you for everything and manipulate you even when it is HER fault! In the end, I felt it wasnot worth it and there are more mature people around to date!
I would ask you to man up and make your OWN choices instead of her controlling you around! Tell her straight that you love spending time with her but you also want to give yourself some self time and she should respect that! I am afraid she wouldn't accept it and you would be strong enough to let go!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): This girl needs to learn to grow up and stop being so downright needy and selfish. She's not behaving like a healthy, stable and whole person, but instead is acting almost as if she has a psychological or mental health problem - and I'm not criticising people who do have this kind of problem, but either she recognises that the way she is behaving is not healthy for her or for you and she goes to see a counsellor OR she finds someone else to manipulate. Because she IS manipulating you. She seems to have not had good parenting that's helped her to feel ready to go out into the world and face it in a good way - she's treating you like a substitute mother - really like a baby chimpanzee who is clinging and clinging to its Mum because it's scared. I know that you are a man, but really she is expecting you to keep 'nursing' her like a baby and as if you are the Mum. It's extremely manipulative.
I would wake up and realise that this situation is not healthy or right and from now on, act on the basis that she is not well and that she is controlling you because she's not well and you have now become a 'carer', unpaid and taken for granted. She's emotionally blackmailing you if you don't keep supplying care to her. This is not a normal loving relationship between equals, you've been pulled into a strange situation because of her neediness.
The best you could do is take her to a doctor and insist that she speaks to the doctor about getting counselling for depression or social anxiety or whatever it is that is making her feel like she must have someone to hug her all day and all night.
Then I suggest that you either leave her as soon as she is getting help or increasingly put up boundaries. There are no boundaries whatsoever between you and her - she's destroyed them all - and so you have no right to say what you would like to do. However, if you try to gradually put up boundaries, she will resist and resist and resist. Probably better to make sure she's got help and then make a clean break of things. You sound like a too kind man, who is being fully taken advantage of - but she is, like I said, turning you into a substitute mother rather than responding to you as a male partner with normal male needs to go out etc.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 First, good on you for having the courage to put your problem in words, your first step in what could be a painful process has been taken.
You know what really pulled at my heart strings, the fact you are allowing this young madam's histrionics rule your life, you were NOT PERMITTED to make plans for the weekend or to see your friend ??
Excuse me! If its not too late get on the phone NOW and make arrangements with your mate, and if the girlfriend doesn't like it, either put up with her tears and crying or not, you do have choices in your life.
I don't know what her problem is, but if you continue to allow her to isolate you from the outside world like this, making it difficult for you to socialise with friends, or earn some money your life is just going to steadily get more and more shit, until SHE decides she doesn't like what you have to offer, and leaves.
And then where will you be? Still without friends, still unemployed, still poor, your self esteem will be shot to pieces making your chance of improving your lot even more difficult.
The time to top this downward spiral is NOW! Right this minute! Call your mate, make plans for Monday. If she doesn't like it give her the ultimatum and carry it through.
Stop being manipulated, she is not loving you, what she is doing to you is not love!
I hope you will come back, either for more encouragement, or to let us know you have stood your ground and she either left or woke up to herself, and for your sake I hope it is the former.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 I'm sorry, but she needs to get a grip. She can't expect you to sit home all day, with no job or friends so you can be there every second of every day for her.
She uses crying as a form of manipulation to get what she wants. She knows the instant you see tears, you'll give in. Why would that change when she knows it will work? You have no choice but to stand up to her, because clearly this isn't working for YOU. By the way, the word "allow" should NOT be in her vocabulary when it comes to you two's relationship. She is not your mother, and has no business saying you aren't allowed to make plans.
"I feel suffocated yet I can't tell her or I will have to do a lot of listening and continue to listen until I give in."
Well, I think you've listened to her long enough. DON'T give her the opportunity to guilt you next time you talk about this. Tell her it's great that she likes to spend so much time with you, but that you also need time to find a job, and reconnect with your friends. Tell her if she can't understand that, you're going to have to end the relationship because you can't keep putting your life on hold for her.
Does she not have any friends of her own? If not, is she working on changing that at all? If she isn't, she will one day regret it, just as you will for giving up all yours. You don't want to rely on each other as your ONLY source of companionship. Think of it this way: even if you stay with her, keep being miserable, and do things her way just to keep HER happy, there is a good chance she will end the relationship eventually anyway. Then what are you going to do? You will have made yourself miserable for absolutely NOTHING. It will likely be too late to reconnect with your friends, and the longer you go unemployed, the more difficult it will be to find a job. Talk about a waste of time.
You should have one last talk with her. If things don't change, you need to move on for the sake your own sanity, if for nothing else.
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