A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel childish and horrible even posting this but there's something that's niggling at me. My oldest friend (A, whom I live with) and I have a very good friend in common (B). We met B at the same time, work with her and are (as far as I can tell) equally close to her. A's and my birthdays are one week apart and we each organised a dinner with friends. On A's birthday, B gave her a voucher worth a lot of money. On mine she gave me a cheap necklace (I know because the price tag was still on it). I know I must sound materialistic and ungrateful but I was taken aback. I hid my feelings, obviously, but I saw that A looked a bit uncomfortable when I opened it, and over-complimented me on it all evening, saying it looked amazing and must have been really expensive. She just came home from shopping with her voucher and it was quite awkward when she was showing me her new clothes, as I think she feels bad but neither of us wants to mention the whole thing. It's honestly not that I think B should have given me an expensive voucher, too. With most of my friends, we have a £10 upper limit and get each other something symbolic, or just flowers. I'd never expect anyone to get me something expensive. Out of context, I would have been happy with the necklace, price tag or no price tag. So why is it bothering me?It's the massive and very obvious difference (under £10 vs over £70) in what she gave us. It makes me wonder if it says something about our friendship and how B feels about us both, and then I feel awful again for thinking like that. B has every right to give her friends what she wants to give them. She is a wonderful person who doesn't have a bad bone in her body and would be devastated if she knew I was thinking these things. I'm obviously not going to say anything about it but I'm wondering, am I being a total ungrateful brat or am I justified in my feelings?
View related questions:
cheap, flowers, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (26 May 2014):
 Maybe B gave her something more expensive for her birthday or did something that she had to show her appreciation? People react and respond generally to how they are treated. I said generally and this may not apply to your situation. Let it go no point making yourself upset.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 I think it's normal it would sting a little, but I'd try not to jump to conclusions and not decide this is an evident and intentional sign that she likes A better. For all you know, there could be reasons why B did this. Maybe she just fobbed off to A a voucher SHE had gotten as a present ( therefore actually spending more cash on you than on her :) . Or, she is bad at managing her money, and by the time your birthday came ... she had overspent and she was broke, even if she would have liked to buy you something better.
Try to put this off your mind and don't judge the extent of your closeness from how much cash B spends on you. If in her daily life generally B treats you and A the same, she is equally close to both. ( Although... if she felt a little closer to A, would it be that terrible ?... I mean, it's not unusual to have a tad more natural affinity with a certain friend than with another, as much as you try, you can't always like everybody just exactly the same ).
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 This isn't about you being ungrateful. I completely understand the way you feel about this. It is the difference in how friend B treats you and A. Being treated differently, or more accurately "worse", really sucks! It hurts! It's like she picked A for her favorite. Leaving you the odd one out. That's why it's upsetting. And this difference in treatment could have been shown in other ways too, and would still feel the same. For example, you'd have the same feeling if B asked A to go on vacation with her, and you weren't included. Maybe A got B something expensive for her birthday, and this was a thank you in return? Maybe B didn't get A anything for Christmas, and promised to make it up to her? There could be explanations like this. Maybe B just is a goofball and doesn't understand such social contexts, and didn't understand that this was not appropriate. Because it isn't appropriate to give one of your friends an expensive gift, and the other a cheap one, when both these friends are close. It'd be one thing if you never found out, never knew about it. Then it'd not be a big deal actually. But you are close friends, you live together! She KNEW you would compare, everyone would compare! So such a gift sends a message, a very clear message: that one is favored over the other. How close of a friend is she? Maybe you should ask A, who is your closest and oldest friend, if she has any idea why B would give her such an expensive gift. Didn't A also think it was weird? If you're a group who normally don't give such gifts, didn't A also find it odd? I'd talk to A about it, and not B. Because unless B is a total goofball with no clue on social codes, then this act sends a message: B wants to be besties with A, and leaving you out of the picture.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 I vote ungrateful brat. Only because you already have a standard limit. She might have GOTTEN the voucher for free and figured it would make a good present, OR she was a little more financially in a bind when your birthday rolled around.
You are at an age, where the price of the gift should be important - the FACT that she went OUT and found you a necklace she thought you would live VERSUS a voucher (as in I don't know what to give this person).
With my kids I try and spend the same amount of all of them, BUT there have been times where I have gotten a expensive thing for half price or marked down, which means I DIDN'T pay as much for A's present as I did for B's or C's - BUT A actually got a present of "higher" value then the other two. Thankfully my KIDS are GRATEFUL for what they get and thus far I have never heard them express envy or pettiness over gifts.
It doesn't MEAN anything with regards to your friendship. UNLESS YOU are going to MAKE it mean something.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 May 2014):
 Personally, I wouldn't care or think twice about it, as I don't feel loved and appreciated through acts of those spending money on me. Someone could give me a card and I would be happy. I just ask that they treat me well as a friend and we have a good time together. I realize not everyone feels this way, though.
Perhaps your friend received the voucher from someone else as a gift and then turned around and gave it to your other friend as her gift? Anything is possible. Either way, I doubt it's symbolic of who she considers a better friend. It's probably got nothing to do with that. Just my two cents.
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 If, as you say, you are not a materialistic person, what probably bugs you is that you feel the 'least favourite' friend. No one likes to be second best, right? Especially if you cherish that person and their friendship.However, try to look at this differently: maybe B was swept away with this great idea for a present for A but when your birthday came she was tight on money, had other unplanned expenses/etc?She shouldn't have left the price tag in the gift though - big etiquette FAIL.You can buy a similarly expensive gift for her next time - not out of spite obviously, but simply because usually the first gift usually sets the tone for whatever amount of money the person is willing or comfortable to spend. She simply might have some financial strains now that she decides to focus on.Some people are also embarrassed when they can't answer an expensive gift with a similarly expensive one in return so don't overdo it when it's your turn to gift her, and don't take this in a bad way, just resume your friendship as usual - as it seems you are already doing.In exchange, your oldest friend A who has noticed the discrepancy has tried to make you feel well and has been all complimentary (how nice of her), so try to let this drop like she indirectly suggested.A little moral to this story: NEVER gift your friends vouchers because they will inevitably compare and this might sow the seeds of strife. This is one reason why many companies forbid employees to air their salaries out and about.It's human nature to compare and words come up unnecessarily to ruin an otherwise perfectly good friendship. "Why did he receive an incentive and I didn't? I had even more outstanding achievements" and so on.
...............................
|
