A
female
age
30-35,
*olli
writes:Hello,I feel for a few years that Iam stupid and unable. I suffer from a social fobia and I go to psycholog and also have here pills which I can take. I am trying to overcome this in small steps. For example I found a job where I have to communicate with people. I try to be active - I go out, I go shopping, I ask people etc.... But it's still very hard and I know I look completely stupid in some social situations, Iam always confused and don't know what to say, I just stare and can't talk or I say something really awkward. I have never really had true friends even if I try to talk to them and smile, I heard several times that Iam really boring. Also I thought that I had a few good friends but I realised I was wrong, because when I told them about my fobia (I only wanted to explain why Iam not able to go to parties or to places where are alot of strangers), they didn't understand and got the feeling that Iam weird and I just say it because I want an attention and then they had great fun.I don't know who to tell this, my mum thinks only good about me, my father doesn't live with us - he left us when I was 8years old, then he a few times in a year he came to visit us and he only told me that I was stupid and ugly and I should do something about it, then he made a new family and I didn't see him anymore. My first boyfriend never told me that I was clever or pretty, he even said about me things like Iwas naive, stupid and ugly in front of me or his friends. When he was angry with anyone but not me he screamed at me that I must fake that Iam always so kind and I never really hurt soemone. So I left him after 3years. After this I didn't want to date anyone but Iam now at the point I would love to, I feel for it. I had four dates and it always failed and I don't know what I do wrong, I smile, I try to be positive but boys still turn away from me or only ask for sex. Now I found one boy on the chat and he is very kind and funny so we managed to meet each other. And now I fear, I don't want to feel stupid and boring again. And I am also scared he will never understand to my fobia because it's even hard for me to understand.The queerest thing is that I have a social fobia and anxious attacks for 3 years now (I didn't have this before, I was sucesful at school, won competitions and felt quite secure about myself but true I wasn't popular), at the beginning it was only one attack in one month then it got worse and worse finally it was almost every day and because I have been always quite active person, I couldn't do my activities well, it ruined me and I had breakdown. I ended in the psychiatry and alot of people knew it. It was almost one year ago but some people still remaind me and laugh.I made a plan for this half year - to get my exams from English, go to university and be better and better in talking, change friends. But still I feel like giving up I envy those people who are extroverts and don't have problems with this and again I meet the same people who just only talk to me if I invite them somewhere or if I am the first who call them oherwise they never do it first. I also still meet people who just come and complain about life to me and want me to do some things for them again and again, so I finally learned how to be more strict sometimes. But honestly it's not me, I love to help people but I don't know the right limit, if I help I recognise too late whether someone use me and have just fun. It seems to me I can never really get off from this. Any advice from you would be welcome and sorry for my EnglishThank you alotC.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ToadChops  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 Thanks Colli, I'm trying to decide whether to try medication so it's good to get an insight. Glad to be of some help! Good luck to you too! x
A
female
reader, Colli +, writes (2 February 2010):
Colli is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto: ToadChops
Thank you so much for your supporting and kind words and yes it really sucks to be like this and even it sucks more if your friends don't try to understand or laugh! I took Trazodon for a few months and I felt calmly but sleepy and like everything is slow down and also I slept very well after pills but I had very very bad nightmares. I don't take them anymore.
I wish you good luck with your agoraphobia and attacks cause I can understand how hard it can be!
Have a nice day!
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A
female
reader, Colli +, writes (2 February 2010):
Colli is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you alot for reading my long message ;-), I just wanted to put it somewhere to feel better. I think it's more social anxiety than real fobia you are right in this. I will try to follow your advice or at least think about it :)
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A
female
reader, ToadChops +, writes (2 February 2010):
Hi Colli,
I am about your age and have agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) and suffer from panic attacks and OCD.
It's crap, isn't it? It's really depressing when everyone is off out to a party and you can't go - and then to top it off they all blame you and say you're boring. I know how you feel!
After about a year I eventually went to see a doctor about it, who referred me to a free councilling service. Personally the councilling isn't doing me any huge favours as of yet. Do the pills help at all? I'm curious because my doctor mentioned it to me.
Your first boyfriend sounds horrible, but we all make a similar mistake! Going out with someone like that must really affect your confidence. God, some people are bastards! You are not boring or ugly, you simply need confidence. Which is easier said then done, I know, so stop being with people who make you feel bad and see people you really enjoy being around instead.
I think the key to it is to keep on what you're doing, and try (I know it's hard) to stay positive. Push yourself to meet strangers, but don't push too hard or you might put yourself off! Remember that even if it seems a small victory to others, it's a big step for you so don't be hard on yourself.
Maybe there's a local self-help group near you? I've never been to one but I find the best people to talk to about this aren't always psychologists or doctors, but people who've been through something similar.
Don't let it get you down! There are loads of people out there who will understand!
Toadchops x
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A
female
reader, visione  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 Is it social phobia or social anxiety? If its social anxiety, many people have worked through it and lead normal lives. It's good you are getting help on this asap because if you leave it alone it will only get worse. Social anxiety sets in randomly in people, usually caused by lack of self esteem / confidence or prolonged detachment from the world. But you can get rid of it just as quick. Throwing yourself into social situations isn't always good in this case, you need to change how you think - just remember that not everyone is staring at you or thinks you are dumb (although, I know, it sure feels like it). If you can ask your therapist where you can seek group therapy, or a support group, that would help the best. You can then talk to people who are similar to you and help each other out.
Social anxiety is actually quite a common problem these days, although milder cases (and most people aren't aware of it until it noticeably hampers their lifestyle). If your friends are true friends they would understand and try to help you with it - not laugh at you.
You need to learn to feel comfortable in your own skin around other people before you should seek a relationship, in my opinion. The way you act right now may appear weak in some way, and people can sense this and take advantage of you. The guy have just met - keep him close, if he cares for you he will (try to) understand you.
When people say negative things about you, don't take it to heart (I know, it's hard sometimes, I feel the same way). Do you think you are boring? You should make a list about your good qualities - perhaps you just haven't found people to hang out with that are similar to you. Think positive about yourself! I feel the exact same way about extroverts - but you know what? It's not a bad thing to be an introvert, and extroverts aren't as exciting as they seem to be. They have their own issues and insecurities too, some of them are just good at hiding it. ;)
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