A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help!My boyfriend and I have been together for the last three years, and we were very much in love. However, recently I feel like my eyes have been opened up, and suddenly I'm not attracted to him like I once was. I still believe that my boyfriend is an amazing person, and I do love him, but I just feel like we don't look right together. I feel so shallow for feeling this way, but I can't stop myself from feeling this way either. He's such a great guy, and my best friend, but I just can't get over his bad hair, and skinny body. We have taken "breaks" 3 times now but some how always find ourselves getting back together...but then I keep feeling the same as nothing changes. How do I stop myself from feeling this way, or get him to change?
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male
reader, MikeDJ  +, writes (21 May 2009):
How about the old "looking at the glass as half full"
instead of "half empty"?
Easy to say I know, maybe harder to do. But do realize
that the "problem" lies in the perceiver, not the perceived.
A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (2 October 2008):
 I know its very easy to say appearance doesn't matter, but personally, I feel for most of us its the whole package. Doesn't mean we all have to be like Brigitte Bardot or Brad Pitt, but there is usually an initial physical attraction somewhere along the line. However, with time, we do all change and then those physicalities don't matter so much. We forgive our partners for putting on a few pounds, for going bald, for sagging boobs, etc etc. Thats nature and thats time. We can't stop that, but our love is usually stronger and much deeper by that time, so those things don;t even seem to come on to your radar screen.
However, if something else is going on - like the person has become a real bore, or you don't like the way they behave towards you, or you just plain fell out of love with them, then you do notice all these physical things you don't like, and they start to bother you.
I had an ex husband who I found quite attractive. He on the other hand was forever telling me how ugly he was, which was blatantly untrue. BUT years later, after another one of his poor ugly me speeches, and when things were not good between us any more, I suddenly looked at him and thought YES, you are ugly, you really are. But as a person who believes theres no such thing as ugly - who can say what is beauty and what is not? - I knew it was not his physical appearance that I now disliked but it was the ugliness in his behaviour that shone through. I still see him occasionally, and he is in fact quite attractive - but then I no longer live with him, and it proves to me what I just said - the ugliness was never about his looks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Well i believe that attraciton is a legitimate criteria for a relationship, it'd be ridiculous to be with someone you have zero physical attraction towards. That having been said hair is easily changed, get a haircut. As for him being too skinny, see if you can talk to him about this situaiton (tip toe very carefully around the idea that you aren't attracted to him). I would suggest exercise. It'll help build up muscle tone, which would help his appearence, and it in general gives you more energy and makes you feel better. Try making a deal with him that you two will work out together. This way it'll seem less like you're forcing him to change and more like you two are trying something together as a couple. Also he might find you more attractive in the process.
Whatever you do I would definitely not just leave flat out over just this. If he's as great as you say then you should put forth every effort to remedy the situation rather than end it.
Try working out and once he gets some muscle tone get him to wear clothes that aren't baggy at all, that'll make his new physique easier to see (I used to be really scrawny looking even though I wasn't in bad shape but after I realized it's because my muscle tone was all being hidden by baggy clothes). I'm sure that if you two keep with it working out will not only help that situaiton but it'll make the two of you feel better overall.
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A
female
reader, Faybelline +, writes (2 October 2008):
 I think you need to look at why it is you suddenly feel this way and why it didn't bother you before.
It's never easy to deal with if you start feeling less attracted to someone you have been with for so long. It can often lead us to question our feelings for them and whether they are still as strong as they once were.
You say you still love him and think he is amazing which I don't doubt; my only concern would be that you have taken three breaks from one another.
Sometimes, after being with someone for a long period of time, we find it hard to be without them; whether thy are right for us or not, and so we keep going back to them and stay with them and become, gradually, more and more unhappy.
This might not necessarily be the case with you; perhaps you just need to think about what it was that you found attractive about him in the first place and try to feel it again. Think about all the stuff he does that you love and why it is you're with him; sometimes relationships just need a bit of a shake up to get them back on track again.
I don't think it's fair to expect him to change; the way a person looks is part of who they are so if you can't accept him and love him the way he is maybe you shouldn't be with him.
If you really think it would help and that it would solve the situation then you could try suggesting subtle changes; like a new hair style or buy him some different clothes or maybe drop hints of what you find attractive but without offending or upsetting him.
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