A
male
age
36-40,
*hrtarastra
writes:Ok I need some major help here: I love my best friend, she is the most beautiful, interesting, amazing woman, and I have known her for about 4 years and 9 months, and been in love with her for about 4 years and 8 months, she is 23, I am 24. I can still remember the day that I fell in love with her, and what she was wearing.We became really good friends, and I always had the vague feeling that she might like me back due to some of the things she said. Like once when I was talking about an actress, she complained that I always talked about hot women, and I said that she always talked about hot guys, whereupon she looked at me and said "Yeah, but I never actually mean it". Or one time when we were talking about a character from a novel, and I said I wanted to name my kid after him, she said she did too, and said that if we married we could have the same child. I, in my insecurity, laughed it off as a jest...When we first met, she used to ruffle my hair all the time, and nicknamed me Mushu, after the dragon in Mulan, I know these may sound like small things, but when you love someone, they mean so much...Well about 2 and 1/2 years ago, she told me she had got a boyfriend. I think at that time, I kind of fell out of love, or something, and I left the country about half a year later. I travelled a bit round the world, and came to realise that I still loved her almost a year later, and decided to return, and tell her how I felt. I discovered when I came back that she still has the same boyfriend. We are still really good friends, but my resolve to tell her hasnt won out yet, partially because I just fear she wont feel the same way, and also because I dont want to interfere with her relationship. Her boyfriend is out of the country at the moment, for 9 months, and I dont know if this is the best time to tell her, or the worst. Help! I dont know what to do! I try to leave my feelings for her behind, and treat her like a friend, meet other women, but she is the only one I miss, and really care about. Should I tell her, and risk damaging our friendship, or be seen as interfering with her relationship, but possibly find out that she likes me too, or should I not tell her and pine after her forever, and regret not telling her, but keep our friendship intact?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Hi. Fifthquadrant here. Accept defeat. You had your chance and you blew it. You put yourself in the friendzone and you will never truly emerge from this. Then again...... The only way you are likely to end up with this woman is if you find someone else. This will increase your value to her i.e. you will become a valuable commodity to her and may spark her 'sexual' interest in you. At the moment the fact that she is unavailable to you makes you want her all the more! Turn the tables on her. You have to find someone else. Remember, even though everyone loves chocolate, you are more likely to want some chocolate if you've none in the house than if you have a whole cupboard full! Make yourself scarce, therefore - make her want you! With any luck this other woman will make you forget all about her in any case! Even if you do not meet another woman you have to try not to be so blatantly 'available' to the one you're trying to pull - regardless of the fact that her boyfriend will be off the scene for a while.
A
female
reader, Faybelline  +, writes (2 October 2008):
 Well this is a toughy! From what you said about how you feel for her I just want to tell you to tell her and see where it goes!
The fact she has a boyfriend makes it a bit confusing though. If she's happy with this guy then I wouldn't recommend interfering and causing her confusion should she feel the same way towards you.
You clearly love her a lot but I think you've focused so strongly on wanting to be with her that you've made it difficult on yourself should you tell her and be rejected or if you try to find someone else; no one else will compare to her.
There is no easy answer here, I think you should do what you feel is right; if you think you can't go on without telling her and that you'll regret it if you don't, then do it, but be aware that she might not feel the same way or, even if she does, it could cause a lot of confusion and grief whilst she's still got a boyfriend.
If you do decide to tell her, then I wish you luck and hope that you get the hapiness you want and deserve!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): I don't think it's appropriate. From what you have said here, it sounds as though you are a lesbian and she isn't. I bet she had an inkling that you were when you used to spend lots of time together. It doesn't sound as if she feels the same way toward women. To tell her you are in love with her would only create awkwardness. You need to make the decision if getting this off your chest is worth it. You need to sit down and think if you would be able to remain friends with her while still being in love with her while she is in a relationship with someone. You are potentially setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak. It may be something you just need to move on from. She is obviously happy with her man and that should be your main concern. I'm sorry you're hurt, I've been in the same situation before and I had to totally move on from the situation to save my own feelings.whatever you decide to do-good luck and I hope you find happiness!
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