A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is there a way to detach your feelings from sex because my woman's past makes me look at her in a bad, judgmental way I don't want to feel bad but I feel sick as I can't get thoughts of her with other guys out of my head, its making me desire sex less and less. But I love her like crazy when I don't think about this one thing. Am I just psychotic. I feel so insecure, jealous, and like she saved nothing for our relationship. Isn't there anything saved sexually for the one you think you'll be with forever. I am too scared to know what she has done with other guys, also everyone tells me women never truly tell the truth on these issues, whereas guys do because of the sexist idea that men can do whatever but women are sluts or whatever.
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 It's hard to know what to tell you. I was a virgin with my first girlfriend, but she had two years' experience. I was extremely cut up about it.In the years since, I've had more girlfriends, almost all with previous boyfriends and sexual experience. As time went on, previous experience came to bother me less and less. That's partly because I came to expect it. But it's partly because the girls themselves gave me confidence. I always felt, rightly or wrongly, that I wasn't just the final whimper in a series of explosive sexual relationships. I felt like I was the culmination of everything that had come before. (Laugh if you will. But it's a very good feeling to think that, given the choice, she'd choose me over all the previous men.) Previous experience seems to be welcome in every walk of life but lovemaking! In fact, two virgins together are a disaster. If she has experience, that's something positive (not negative) that she can bring to your lovemaking. What these guys did with her is just a kind of preliminary practice, learning the ropes, as it were.And don't imagine that just because she's done "everything" there isn't more to be explored. It may not be something boringly conventional like giving head, think of something exotic like you being the first person to, say, give her an orgasm merely by caressing her back (just an example, you understand what I mean). At any rate, I can understand how you feel. Perhaps you need more experience of your own to realise that, in the plain light of day, having sex is just that -- having sex. It can be good, bad, or indifferent. It's a very prosaic sort of thing. What gives it its magic is love and passion.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): Dude dont listen to that guy who said he'd rather not have a virgin.
Just tell her, you don't wanna know her past and that you wish you were sexually equal, but that not everyone gets what they want. Maybe showin her your question can help her understand?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): Look at this way, you know that she is interested in sex. So what would you rather have a spouse that is virgin and may have very little drive or a spouse that can't get enough. That is an easy one for me!
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A
male
reader, DrGonzo +, writes (25 April 2008):
i think most everybody is kind of missing the point. it's an obsession, and an uncontrollable one, believe me i know. i've seen psychologists, family docs, shrinks....you name it about this same issue. nobody can truly understand unless they have to deal with it. it's all consuming, i go to bed with it and i wake up with it coupled with massive stomach aches. It can and will ruin your life. believe me letting go of someone you love is better than never knowing a clear thought again. i'm at the end of a third relationship because of sexual history. anybody that says what happened before doesn't matter is wrong, we've somehow separated sex from morality and self-respect these day. don't get me wrong, everybody has a past, some are just way worse than others. now if you're freaking out about a number like 8, 10, 12.....that's just life these days and unless you learn to make some compromises, depending on your age, you're gonna be in real trouble. if you need to message me by all means do, talking about it helps me too, no matter how bad it is...i've been there and i've learned a lot about myself. hopefully it helps to know that you're not alone.
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A
male
reader, DrGonzo +, writes (25 April 2008):
i think most everybody is kind of missing the point. it's an obsession, and an uncontrollable one, believe me i know. i've seen psychologists, family docs, shrinks....you name it about this same issue. nobody can truly understand unless they have to deal with it. it's all consuming, i go to bed with it and i wake up with it coupled with massive stomach aches. It can and will ruin your life. believe me letting go of someone you love is better than never knowing a clear thought again. i'm at the end of a third relationship because of sexual history. anybody that says what happened before doesn't matter is wrong, we've somehow separated sex from morality and self-respect these day. don't get me wrong, everybody has a past, some are just way worse than others. now if you're freaking out about a number like 8, 10, 12.....that's just life these days and unless you learn to make some compromises, depending on your age, you're gonna be in real trouble. if you need to message me by all means do, talking about it helps me too, no matter how bad it is...i've been there and i've learned a lot about myself. hopefully it helps to know that you're not alone.
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A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Please get over it and try if u love her, most women now adays are not saving themselves and have more than a couple of partners they just dont say it there is a double standared, she is a human being and her having sex with other men does not make her less of a person, if she loves u and has given her heart to u, u can take care of it and hav e good lasting relationship, look at her for what she is not who she is been with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): Does anyone even ask the questioner before assuming that he's had lots of casual sex with lots of partners too? Of course not. It's just assumed that if a male cares then he's being hypocritical. Nobody even thinks to ask whether it's otherwise and he's done a lot of refraining from casual sex in the past. And it often IS the case.I'm sorry that so many women choose to give themselves to a small percentage of men who are sluts, but that does not mean all males are sluts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): What did YOU save sexually for HER? Was she the first woman to masturbate you or give you oral sex? Was she your first time?
No? Then why do you expect her to have saved these experiences for you? The sad thing is that there is an incredible double standard affecting young men and women. Boys alternately want girls with experience, but girls who are virgins. Girls are frigid if they save themselves, but sluts if they explore their bodies and their sexuality. Considering this, are you surprised that your poor girlfriend was trapped between a rock and a hard place?
What if you break up? The next guy will probably have expected her to save something sexually for him. And the guys before you, that's probably what they wanted. There is no way to satisfy everybody.
She's with you now, and you exclusively, because she loves you. Mentally and emotionally, she came to you with a clean slate, and you are the only person she loves and commits to sexually. The guys in her past are unimportant because they are in the past, just as the girls you were with before her are irrelevant to your relationship with her now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): It's really 100% normal for guys to feel this way. It's inevitable with so much casual sex being had by everyone these days. We've just had a sexual revolution telling us lies for the last 40 years that the looser rules won't eventually be a very painful problem for millions of people.
Nothing helps your feelings. Nothing ever will.
If you've also had a pretty checkered past, then I think you just need to suck it up and accept that it's only fair to accept her this way too.
If you haven't done (and would not want to do even if you could) the things that she has already done in her past? Then I think that is a deeper moral difference between you & her. That's more of a reason that you would be a bad match with her.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (24 April 2008):
Does it really matter what she did with other guys? She is with you now. She has chosen YOU.
It's never nice to think of your partner with other people. So you have to just try not to.
If she hadn't done those things she would be a different person now - she wouldn't be the girl you fell in love with.
Every time you have these thoughts then give yourself a slap on the wrist. Force yourself to stop it as she will not want to stay with a jealous man.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Your relationship is doomed. Go find that virgin, you'll never be happy with anything else. Too bad too, you may just miss out on the true love of your life. But from previous postings from guys like yourself, they just can't get past the past.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (24 April 2008):
 This is more about you than about her. You're not psychotic, but you're going to have to get the jealousy and insecurity out of your head if you want your relationship to work.
It doesn't matter what she did before she met you, or who she did it with. How do you think older people manage when they get together?
Don't even think about asking her what she did with anyone else. It really isn't important. It's what she does with you that counts. Love her for what she is, not what she was or what she's done before.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): You can't detach yourself? then you are indeed unworthy. You should move on to someone else, because you are not mature enough to be with this woman.
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A
male
reader, salvation +, writes (24 April 2008):
Sadly you cant just detach yourself but i think to feel better you should talk to her about it and as for saving something special for the relationship well love i find is more important than sex. Good luck
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