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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have a very stupid problem. I hate myself. More specifically, I hate my body. I feel so inferior to porn stars or celebrities. Whenever I see a scantily clad woman I feel so, so ugly and unsexy. I will never be pretty or attractive. I just don't have THAT body type. I feel ugly also because my face is unremarkable. This is so dumb and it's driving me crazy :( My boyfriend gets upset because he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He's upset because he says we can't even watch TV anymore because I feel bad about myself. That's not true, I've never told him to stop watching TV, he can do whatever he wants, I'm not his mom or anything.I do admit I feel awful when I see his celebrity crushes because they all have gorgeous faces and a body type that is very different from mine :( This is so stupid, but I know he probably gets aroused by watching them, I do like some actors, but I never get aroused because I need to be touched, I'm never stimulated visually nor do I have sexual thoughts about them, only him. But when I see the actresses or singers he likes, I wonder "What makes her more perfect/beautiful than me?", because he has admitted they're better physically even though they're dumb, 'cause they have to (they have to sell an image), and he said they wouldn't give him the time of day if he met them (which he won't, he also said) and that made me feel like he's settling for me, because I'm uglier and more "in his league".I feel so ugly and ridiculous all the time, especially with all the cleavage we're exposed to daily, I'm starting to feel depressed and like I'll never be pretty enough or sexy enough. Why if guys get the natural urge to ogle, us women (or well, a lot of us) have to naturally get jealous? It's unfair, if men are going to ogle then we shouldn't be jealous, we should naturally eb accepting of it.I feel so ugly I wish I was prettier and sexier :( But there's nothing I can do, because I can lose weight, but what for? I'm not even fat, and I'll probably lose what little breast tissue I have.Sorry I just feel low and awful right now and needed to rant, I almost feel like crying :'(
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crush, depressed, jealous, lose weight, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Hello ,
Ok so i have been searching the net and i found this post that really grabed my attention, from a male side ! , i have been with girls that are top models , and also with round girls , each girl has its own charm that what i have to say , if your boyfriend is with you it's because he finds you beautiful and attractive , so what i think is that you should stop thinking like that and live your life , you dont need to have a freaking plastic surgery to like those superstars , because when i personally touch like fake boobs it just dont feel right :/ , so what i suggest is love your BF and have fun and enjoy your pretty life ^^.
A
female
reader, shortstuff4789  +, writes (17 February 2009):
 i so know what you are going through... i never feel good enough and i hate seeing all these hot people . i know my bf loves me but i cant help but thinking im never going to be pretty enough. the only thing we can do i guess s just keep trying to look our best and if thats not good enough then its too bad for them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): To Ms. Anon who commented on my comments:
There seems to be two separate things you're dealing with. 1) Supremely gorgeous women and 2) How men look at you. Two different topics that make it seem like they're linked together. In some ways they are, but in many ways, they aren't.
Let's look at the beautifully gorgeous women first. They are physically gorgeous. They make most men with a libido stand to attention. My gosh, I'm sure any male and female or intersexual person would find these women absolutely stunning. There is no doubt about it. That's that.
Now let's take a look at the men. If men had a choice between say model Rowena Galam and my new love interest, who would they go for? Too broad of a question. They might and most likely would choose Rowena Galam out of pure sexual attraction. So who's going to be attracted to my love interest and take her? Who? Hmmm... Who would?
In the back of my mind, I think I would like to sleep with Rowena Galam, but that's a natural male instinct to react on our hormones. Alas, we're not primitive animals. We HAVE a table of preferences.
If Rowena Galam was standing next to my love interest and I was staring at them behind a mirrored window, to choose to be with one of them for life, I would choose my love interest over Rowena Galam. My love interest fits me, all of me. Rowena Galam is beautiful, but that's all.
Let's look at this more technically, you have a choice between a reliable Kia SUV that can take you to the mountains, over wet terrain and be good on gas, or a Ford GT which is freakin fast and powerful. Which would you choose? The Kia is a cute SUV. The Ford is muscular and fast. Which would you choose? You might think, "I'll take a ride in the Ford for once but what I really want is the Kia." At least, that's my thought.
If your problem is solely an ego problem with beautiful women, then that's a problem you can solve by forcing yourself to be on the same level as those models. This is solely up to you. However, if your problem is solely on how men see you, then you have nothing to worry about. Mature, good men are not looking for hot girls to bang and shoved inside a showcase window to be shown as a trophy. Mature, good men are looking for a companion that will fit their comfort levels and preferences. It's really that simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): Everything you just wrote hit home for myself as well. I have insecurities issues of my own, I dont hate myself but am so picky on what I look like, if I am pretty enough and just spend 24/7 putting myself down..I know where it all stemed from though I was cheated on by my partner only a few months into our new relationship and just after I had lost my virginity to him and ever since then I havent been the same...I just want you to know your not alone, I have small boobs and what you said about clevage being everywhere these days hits home for me, I get quite upset from seeing it everywhere especially knowing I dont have any myself and that naked women etc are everywhere for my partner to see bothers me too, I cant seem to see the world from the same perspective as my friends who arent worried about what their partners are looking at thinking, for me it has nearly turned into an obsession and controls alot of my life...
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (17 February 2009):
 I think everyone here is saying sex appeal does NOT come from the FLESH only. Men who do prefer just flesh over mind/brain/heart are the ones you don't want to be with, right? So your current b/f still oogles photoshopped women and women that look great in darkened pubs (LOL) .. but he does not take them home, right? The next time he does that,
I suggest you tease him a bit, like, "Look, gorgeous girl behind you" (when there is none), or "would you mind picking your jaw off the floor", or "better close your mouth now, lots of flies around here", or "here's a cup to collect your drool". If you did this in good spirit, he will see that you have a very positive sense of humor and confidence ... and he will even want you more!
If you have a healthy BMI (Body Mass Index), I bet your figure is already fantastic! If you are into makeup, use the mags to study how the models use make-up to enhance their facial features. Get together with some female friends to have your own makeover parties - it will be fun as well as a good way to experiment with different styles. But most of all, you need to learn to be comfortable with your own body. Good friends (and b/f) who support your positive efforts are keepers!
I am a petite Asian woman, I don't consider myself pretty nor beautiful at all, and I only wear a bit of eyeliner as make up, so I often feel very flattered (actually, astonished is the right term for it) when men turned their heads to look at me! LOL. I was told that it is not the way I look physically, but it is the way I carry myself that emanates [non-threatening] self confidence and warmth. People also say that I have a smile that melts people's hearts. LOL ...
Good luck, Beautiful!
Cat
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A
female
reader, Quiet.Kisses  +, writes (17 February 2009):
 One of the best tricks I've come across that instantly increase my confidence and makes me feel incredaly sexy is High Heels. Seriously, a good heel can take up to 5 pounds off your look because the straighten your posture but they also make your legs look toned and strong. Another bonus is that they add a sexy swagger to your walk. Amp up the shoes with a pair of form fitting jeans and a new top, don't pay attention to sizes because you look better in something that fits properly.
Hold your head high and show the world what your made of because there is nothing sexier then confidence. Try it and you'll start to notice a difference in te way people look at you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): I totally sympathize with you. A couple years ago, I too used to judge myself by my looks. Here's what I did to stop:
I no longer cared about my BF thought I was "hot" or not; if he's comparing you to a Photoshopped girl whos probably wrinkled from her plastic surgery under those 50 layers of makeup, who cares?
I did change but only within reasonable limits. Don't go OTT.
P.S.Studies show most guys prefer brunettes. Tanned=slimmer. And lots of men like small boobs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): HI,
You have to stop this right now. You can't do this to yourself. Its not fair. To you!
I am a woman, and honestly, I find all women beautiful. There are so many shapes and sizes, and they all have something to offer. YOu have something to offer.
You have to think about the bigger picture. Your boyfriend loves you, and if you walk down the street look around for a change--see all the people around you and no one looks like the celebrities do. Yet they all find love. How to explain this? That is the real world. Wake up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): But still, martini, these women are more gorgeous so how am I not supposed to feel ugly? Men have it so easy with so many women that are "gorgeous" to ogle and we're expected to feel as sexy and not feel bad about ourselves, we're supposed to be happy with it and not let it affect us and let our men drool over it, and still feel great about ourselves... but how if they all have huge stupid tits and I have nothing. I feel really ugly, because I will never have said tits, or blonde hair, or white skin, or whatever crap the media shoves in our face as beautiful, and constantly criticizes women like me with small breasts as not pretty enough or "underdeveloped" as we're called (how stupid is that having small breasts is NOT a medical condition!!!!)... we girls grow up being teached that our worth comes from our looks like men's worth comes from strenght or their career, so if our looks are belittled it really hurts.
I know I should just get over it which makes it even more painful since I know I'm being stupid and I'm wrong to be feeling this because normal women are expected to accept all this... but I can't so I feel ugly AND weak. I swear I feel I'm going crazy...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): Give me a picture of you and let me critique you. I highly doubt you're really that ugly, but you can put that to the test. Oh I'm sorry, Andrew did once mention that I'm not supposed to ask for pictures... Or was that Brad. Ack, I'm mixing web sites up.
Anyway, you have to remember one thing which is an important thing: Porn models, super models, actresses HAVE TO BE SEXY and beautiful. It IS their job. They need to be beautiful to make money, to attract an audience, but that doesn't make you ugly. It means, you are NOT a porn model, super model and actress.
Attraction factors works on a gradient, a shade of colours if you will. Many people would find bright orange beautiful, but broadly prefer the shades of purple to pink. I for one find Porn Models like Maria Kenig and Rio Hamazaki absolutely gorgeous, but I also find that I am absolutely smitten by my love interest with her shape, her size, her looks and demeanor and objectively, she doesn't look any where like those Porn Models, Super Models and Actresses.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): The media out there can be so, so damaging. I feel your pain. You are a victim of this shallow, toxic culture and you are hating yourself instead of hating how ridiculous these people really are. Just remember that you only see illusions, small bits of celebrities lives, you only see what they want you to. ALL magazine covers are photoshopped. As a woman, 90% of the products that are marketed at you are done so via MAKING YOU FEEL UGLY. The uglier you feel, the more shit you buy. People read celeb and fashion magazines because they feel ugly themselves and want to perpetuate this idea that everyone is slim, has long perfect hair, is rich and buys new gorgeous clothes every season. You need to first remove yourself as much as possible from this crap. Nobody ever died from not watching TV. Try to notice when you see images of beautiful women and think carefully why that image has been put in your way, and what it's supposed to make you feel. Actively choose to avoid makeover shows or websites about make-up and fashion. These things will only damage you further. Try to look everyday at yourself in the mirror and SMILE. And tell yourself that you are a unique, fascinating human being with a healthy body and deserve to feel good about yourself. I know you won't believe it at first but you should keep doing it anyway. It's hard to believe something when everyone else is telling you something different.
...and porn stars? Are you kidding me? Most porn stars are human train wrecks! They have lower self esteem than you do and are being used like pieces of meat. If they're not drugged up, they're in some mental fog due to years of denial and pain. Don't ever try to be like a porn star!
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