A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if i'm thinking to deep into this matter or wether or not i have some valied resson for concern.Me and my partner are expecting are first child in a few months but frew out the whole pregnancy I have had some concern as to wether or not my boyfriends mom is going to try and take over with my new baby.She said that she hopes the baby is born in the last week of october so we can go to her house while she has the time off work and help us take care of are new born baby. By this she means, take the baby off me and show me how to do the stuff i want to learn.When showing me baby clothes she has brought, she said this dress can go with that top and some pink tights, followed with, I carnt wait to dress her up when i take her out.She brought a travel box to put the babys stuff in which i think is a lovely gesture. She thinks i should be useing this instead of the travel bag for the pram as she said the bag wont last very long because the material will be thin. We havent even brought the pram yet so i have no idea how she can tell the material is thin.The other day when she took us to the paint store for some paint, I noticed some lovely buterfly wallpaper and I said that would look lovey in the babys room and the reply I got back was, not all over thought, just on one wall and plumb colour paint on the other 3 walls. This is how she has decorated her own home.I have no obligations with her doing stuff with the baby and takeing her out and what not, but what i do have a problem with, is her not haveing the respect to say do you mind if i do this with the baby or that.I feel like she over stepping mark a little. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks all for the helpfull advice.
I can see exzactly what has happend now. As the situation goes, this is her first grandchild and she is very excited about this.
She is a very helpful lady, the hardworking type that does so much for the family so she ultametly ashumes the role of responsabilty. So when you put together a very excited grandmother to be and a natural harworker this is the result you get.
I will say one other thing though, and it's that she's also a lady that like's to call the shots. She like's makeing the desions in her house hold. She certainly likes to be in control of every situation and I can see why that is. She's very careing and giveing so she just has peoples best intrest at heart.
How it all started was when she said "I hope the baby is born the last week of october so you can come up to mine".
What she was doing hear was presenting her wishes of what she would love to happen but at the same time, testing the waters out to see how I would react. At the time I smiled and said nothing back to this. I didn't see the need to make big isues out of nothing so I left it and said to myself, If it comes to this then I will politely say how I would feel much more comfertable being at my own home with the new baby.
Beacause I reacted in this way, this gave her the go ahead to carry on saying what she would be doing with my baby.
It all came to a hault though when we were in the paint store and I meantiend about the butterfly wallpaper. When she said plumb colour paint on the other walls, I said no in a freindly way and that id much prefer a pastel yellow.
On the next night, I saw that now would be a good time to sit down with my boyfriend and have a little chat about laying some rules down. I told my boyfriend how it's VERY important for me to chose the decorations in my childs bedroom. I was firm but fair in saying that his mother shouldn't really be saying this as it wasn't really her place to make those kind of desicions. He agreed with me that she shouldnt have said this.
I knew that if I didnt voice my oppinion with this matter then it was goping to get out of hand and soon she would be makeing all the desions for me.
I'm very lucky to have someone so willing to help so much but it's also important for me to lay some rules down because just like someone states on hear that if I don't then other people will make the rules for me. Thanks eveyone.
A
male
reader, Dalmatian  +, writes (27 September 2009):
Sometimes grandparents are so excited about the birth of a grandchild they may seem to be controlling but are justexcited. Sometimes one of our children will say weare too involved in the raising of a grandchild. Wedon't fight over these things we just "backoff" for a while.Just tell her you need a little space and if she gives itto you there is no problem. If she doesn's you will haveto be firm but most of all keep it polite no bad language.Speak with your boyfriend first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): I have two children, and one important lesson that I have learned since having them, is to ESTABLISH your boundaries. If you do not establish your boundaries, other people with create them for you, then try to convince you that it is the best way. While it is wise to pick your battles, but BE VERY careful, because some battles are worth fighting. Don't let ANYONE tell you what THEY are going to do with YOUR baby. You are the mother. If you don't feel comfortable with what they want to do, SET YOUR BOUNDARY and do it early. For example, I did not allow ANYONE, not even my own mother, to transport my newborn. Everyone thought they were going to take him here and take him there, and they all had a rude awakening when I told them that it wasn't going to happen. My newborn wasn't going anywhere without me. And that's the way it stayed until he was 6 months old. Now, for some people, this might seem like a ridiculous rule, but it was MY rule, and it's what I wanted and it's what I felt comfortable with - and that is my point. Don't let others tell you what is best for your baby.
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female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (25 September 2009):
 I would say pick your battles wisely with this issue, because there will come a time very soon, after you have the baby, when you will appreciate any and all help that you can get in raising and taking care of this baby. So if it pleases her to decorate her grandchild's room in a certain color, go with it, smile with her, and be happy for her happiness. Know and realize that what color the baby's room is and which travel box you use for the baby is NOT what is important. Those are not the important things in life. But when you need a babysitter, she seems like she will be the one to be there. That IS important. She is not the one you want to get mad at for small things like this, because she will be the one to be there for you when you need help. Be gracious and understand and empathetic and allow her to enjoy these small things that she gets to pick and choose. As long as she does not overstep your bounds on the larger more important things that come later on in life, like disciplining the child and teaching them the values that you want them to have... then don't worry about it.
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reader, MyDestiny +, writes (25 September 2009):
 I see your point and you are totally right.yes she's just helping out and that's okay. That's how mothers are. But she should confide with you or your boyfriend before she makes any decision for YOUR baby.but dont get to flustered about it, she's just beying a an overly happy grandmother.
-ardy good luck
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (25 September 2009):
 I think you understand the problem and are very justified in feeling she is over stepping. You understand that the grandmother is going to be excited. And, her help is going to be appreciated, you being a new mum and all. You need to assert control of the situation and politely stand up to her. When she trys to control something that is none of her business, like the room. "Say no, I think I'm going to get the butterfly wallpaper, I really like it." You can insert praises with this as well, like, "Wow, that is a good idea, but you know..." "That's good advice about the fabric, but I feel I want to look for a sturdy fabric and see if it is lighter." The reality is you don't want to isolate her in this time of joy, and you don't want to create an enemy for life. Which means you'll have to compromise some to be fair. Just don't compromise too much to where you lose ultimate control over YOUR baby. Throw in hints when you are compromising...."Well you know, I kinda like that pair of shoes, but let's get the ones you want." You could also have a sit down with her and express how you feel. That you appreciate the help, but feel you are not in control of the situation. You could also send her a letter which will be easier to express precisely how you feel and be less likely to offend as much. Unfortunately it will depend on her reaction. If she becomes a ruthless bitch, then you may have to respond in the same fashion. The key is you need to take control of this situation or it will get out of hand for many years to come. Talk to your partner to get a feel of how she will respond to better prepare.Good Luck
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