A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. I really need some help on this. My husband and I have been together about 12 years. We have been married for 8. I am 29 years old and my husbamd is 32. I am going to try and cut to the short version but this is still going to be kind of long. We were very young as you can tell by the ages I posted when we got together. Before he met me he also had two children with two other women. He has since gotten custody of both of his children and they live with us. My problem is this. I have not been the greatest wife to my husband. I never broke our vows or anything but I wasn't and still am not the most affectionate person. That is what he likes and what he needs. My husband on the other hand has cheated on me twice since we have been married. He has told lies to cover up lies. He has also done other things behind my back that i completely disapprove of. When my husband and I were talking about even dating and becoming a couple I told him I required very little but that honesty and fidelity were two things I had to have. Well neither of those happend and now all these years later I am miserable and unhappy. My husband has not been happy he says for a long time himself. After the cheating and lying I decided to stay with him and hope for the best. I am now to the point where I feel so worn out I do not even want to try anymore. I have suggested counseling in the past and it never happened. The last time I asked for counseling was about three months ago. That was when the second incident of cheating happened. But now he is finally ready to do the counseling and everything to fix our relationship. I still love him very much. But I feel as if I can not take this relationship anymore. I don't hate him I just feel that we shouldn't be together. I think a good share of it is because I kept hoping and praying for years that we could make it work and I am finally done trying. I don't want to be with anyone else I just don't think I have what it takes to keep working on our marriage. I feel just drained. Can anyone help?
View related questions:
cheated on me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): you're drained and tired, but I'm going to suggest that this may be the right time to get into therapy. I'd suggest a retreat style (5 day or so) couples workshop where infedility is a common thread amongst all the couples.
My wife and I did a 5 day (prior to marriage, as a gift to ourselves) and there were several couples there where infidelity was an issue. The experience was great for all of us and many (but not all) marriages were saved that week. We came away with a much deeper understanding of each other, and with some tools that we've been able to use when the times get tough.
Recovery can happen best when we're tired and beat up. I'd say that you've got little to loose. if it works you'll have saved a relationship. If it doesn't you'll know you took an extra step to try...
Divorce is expensive and painful, and dating isn't all that much fun... and we tend to be attracted to the same kind of folks as before- so it may be simpler to make one last effort to save this relationship.
good luck!
A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (25 September 2009):
 So its leave or go to therapy. Since you are not even sure you want to go to therapy, perhaps seperate for a while and think about it more to see exactly how you feel away from him. However if you do decide to go to therapy you've got things going in your favor. A. You love him. B. He is willing to go to therapy and work on things.(This is only good if he actually goes.) C. You both realize that there are things about both of you that has created your relationship problems. Therapy will help explore these reasons, providing insight and strategies to improve your relationship.My opinion from what you've said and the above facts is to try therapy. Also, don't rule out a therapist for you individually. They can help you explore this problem and help you if you decide to leave.Best of Luck to You
...............................
A
female
reader, linz09  +, writes (25 September 2009):
 Its sounds as though you have both lost your direction and the reason you both got together in the first place.You say your not affectionate..why is that? And why does your husband keep looking elsewhere?I think counselling is an excellent idea to try and find some answers for both your behaviours.You both love each other and there is something holding you together, but this has got lost and discarded with time and hurt plus the pressure of you gaining a ready made family.You are both only young and if you want to make it work it won't be easy and alot of soul searching will be involved, but your heading in the right direction...communication is key ..if you're feeling drained and worn out tell your husband..he after all is supposed to be your best amongst other things.take care and keep in touch linzx
...............................
|
