A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have issues with men and am not really sure what else can be done. I dont like feeling this way and dont hate men but I simply feel that the majority of them lack a moral compass. I look around the world and see rapes and murders daily on the news and the majority of them commited by men. I look at the men I know and many of them have given up wonderful women in order to chase a quick bit of new flesh in a younger woman and at least the ones i know seem to always come back begging forgiviness from the women they hurt...I go out and can feel the stares and eyes of men opn me , most of them have beautiful wives by their sides...to me this is so disrespectful to those women (who often have babies with them and children).I know it sounds bad for me to even voice this opinion but it looks like most men dont care who they hurt so long as their desires are satisfied.....I do know some men who have good traits but in my eyes they are always overshadowed by this attitude of women just being something to use...ie use them up while their young and considered desirable , get them to have our babies then discard them, or secretely get our wants met elsewhere..I even went to counselling and basically the counsellor said there is validity in these observations.and by the way I am not a lesbian but am not really wanting to have a relaionship with a man either..
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male
reader, duce00  +, writes (3 November 2009):
 Very eloquent R&B. I have gotten more wisdom from my dog than most of the people around me (no joke). Thats not even a diss on people as much as its a compliment to my dog.
I wish more women were like dogs!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Dear OP,
I think you are feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and you are offputting this onto men as the bellringers of your soul.
I agree that we are living in an increasingly narcissistic society where for some men and women alike this characteristic has become pathological.
What you are describing are people who you cannot hold onto in relationship because you are loosing them to the world, the world that is over sexualized and self centered and is about survival of the fittest. We live in an extremely competitive society that forces us to have rhino skin in an effort to not expect too much happiness less we be hurt.
And you are wise to not expect much from people because your expectations are what get you into trouble in the first place. I get you, I just don't think this is about men except for you because you have been disappointed by the narcissists in this world that see all people as "supply" for their own ego needs and people are easily discareded and used up.
So the challenge for me anyway is to resign myself to the fact that I will lose some people I love "to the world" where people worship sex, drugs and rock and roll over a higher power, what ever that higher power is.
The challenge for me is to believe in the higher power in the first place and give over my childish notion that I am in control of anyone or anything.
My challenge is to find a good man with a good soul hiding behind his rhino skin and to realize the narcissists who are handing me a load of crap on a plate. Sometimes very hard to tell who I am dealing with.
And by the way Q, I love dogs. In fact the more people I meet in my life the more I love my dog.
Men (women and men alike) are inferior creatures compared to the dog. The only animal on the face of the planet that is capable of unconditional love with low expectations of getting it in return and they have the ability to win you over with that.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (2 November 2009):
Gosh, I am really sorry to be this blunt but do you really think that the reason YOU are single is because so many men have broken moral compasses?
My moral compass is in pretty good shape and one of the its functions is detecting women who are going to create pain and drama in my life. One of the tale tell signs is that they tend to make blanket statements and blame everything and everyone but themselves for theyre position in life.
My moral compass says that you would be a very difficult woman to be with and I would be willing to bet that I am not alone on that one.
While I understand this might get you a bit steamed, this is what a man with a moral compass behaves like. Hope you are still willing to try meeting one because they are also great partners.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): well q then i will assume that you agree with me. the OP should have posted this in the forum section instead of here.
great sense of dry humour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): ......therefore i asked whether you are pulling out legs
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 August 2009):
 q often has his tongue firmly implanted in his cheek. If one reads his responses out loud, they can make excellent sense and are quite melodious.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): q1605- "Because men are dogs. I have spent no small amount of time trying to convey this to women here. Testosterone driven dogs. Myself included. I am one of the worst. Loose shoes, tight pussy, and a warm place to spray somebody's shrubbery. The one thing that mitigates all this, porn, sends you guys into a self loathing tail spin and the nearest divorce lawyer." dear q1605 - you are in your 50's yet sometimes you post such irresponsible comments. you don't have much self respect do you with these comments. how would you expect an original poster to take whatever you comment on seriously. you seem to be rubbing it in our faces that you are what morally devoid?? morally challenged?? or just plain pulling our legs. i don't know. baffled??
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (9 August 2009):
q1605
I've lived in this world long enough to know that in order for me to communicate well to others I don't need to use intellectual language that others can't understand.
In reading your posts there seems to be a use of language reflecting your need to impress and feed your ego. The most intellectual people in the world don't have a need to do this as they know they're intelleigent and are therefore not inseure about it. They also know that the average person doesn't understand and their aim is to communicate not impress.
If you wish to get your point across and have people hear and understand your point of view how about writing in a way where most people can understand, there really is no need.
You've had some valid points at times, yet I wonder, if your posts were clearer and your use of words catered more to the main stream of people whether you're points would be better served.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): Women lie , women commit murders, women cheat, women and men are just as bad as the other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): To the poster who disagreed with my post (the one with the boyfriend reeking of manners and monogamy), I think you misunderstood what I said and I don't wish for it to confuse anyone else.I agree that women experience far more hormonal change than woman. I never said men experience more. I was merely saying that, on a whole, men have to deal with significantly higher levels of testosterone than women, which in turn can make them feel edgy and more likely to get frustrated and lash out at people, as girls do when they are on their menses.As for the 'men are visual creatures' comment, there is plenty of evidence that they are. Some may disagree, of course, but I never said that any of this was an excuse for their behavior. It SHOULDN'T be used as an excuse for their behavior, I agree. I simply happen to think that if we can begin to UNDERSTAND how men work, it will make it easier to deal with them. As many other people pointed out, there are plenty of men who act above these impulses and are very polite and decent human beings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): yes some men are this way inclined. they are brutal, selfish, manipulative, conniving , disrespectful, cheaters, liars, vile, unfaithful, destroyers. men who blatantly advocate the above, run fast away from them,. then there are other men who are gentle, KIND, compassionate, loving, loyal, faithful, understanding, decent, morally sound.there are different types of people in this world. although we come across many many men that just take and only care about themselves, the ME ME ME attitude, i think our faith in our mortal man should not be lost. just as we get the negative of men, believe me, some women are just as rotten - vile, despicable, unkind, CRUEL ,violent and the list goes on. ITS SAD. but we need to soldier on identifying the good in both men and women. but also identify the destroyers and steer clear of them using whatever means. we need to identify the moral value systems and identify the seedy ones. all in all we need a balance.
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (8 August 2009):
Hi there,
Everyone has their opinions based on their experiences and I'd like to share with you mine.
I'm hear to tell ya sista, not all Men are like this. I have a Partner who believes the Men who are like this lack sophisication. He believes Men who ogle are either trying to prove to their mates they're not gay, have low self esteem or are trying to instill insecurity in their partners by provoking jealousy.
I have three brothers, two of which are married. They treat their wives like gold in all ways. My girlfriends think they're such decent Men as they see how respectful they are of their wives. In fact one of my Brothers stayed faithful to his Woman who was married to another Man for 11 years as he waited for her to leave her husband. He and I were latin dance partners and during this time believe me, he had eyes for no other. I told him he was nuts for waiting around yet his heart was with her and sure enough, she left her husband and they are married today.
Would a more accurate view be that some people or even lots of people lack a moral compass and that you're discouraged by your experiences to date.
You sound resigned to the fact that this is the way it is. Re-read some of these relplies, look at other categories on this site and you'll see that not all Men are this way.
At work, I attend many meetings with all types of Men who have shared their love for their wife and don't look at other Women even when we're walking pubically to the venue. I work in the disability sector which attracts people who have a high regard for equality and respect for all humankind.
I know of Women who have given up and cheated on wonderful Men in order to chase a quick bit of new flesh in a younger bloke. One friend was quite overweight and had a younger attractive husband and when she told me she had cheated with a guy who served her petrol, I was blown away, I couldn't believe it. Another friend, when we go out for a few drinks, tells me all the time than when she gets her beer googles on, she wants to play up on her husband. Now, this puts things in a more accurate perspective. It's about the person not the gender.
Please be careful with what you read, the, it's a Man thing, all Men do it, Men are hard wired that way, Men are visual creatures, these are bullsh*t excuses. Whenever I hear generalizing in a post, it discredits the person and I dismiss what they post as their points are weak because they're bringing in a third party. All a person can do is speak from their experience and give their reasons as to why they are that way. And any Man who accuses another Man of lying because of his claim to respect Women has serious thought distrotions going on. There's even some people stuck in a teenage devopmental stage who find it funny to brag about being this way. My 19 year old son doesn't even do this and that's because he's sophisicated. There are some Women who although share your values have been manipulated by the weak pathetic excuses used to normalise disrespectful treatment and somehow think you've been living in a fantasy and that you have to face reality. My question is, who's reality... theirs?
It would be a shame for you to paint them all with the same brush as you are deserving of the love and respect you desire and if you don't strive for that and believe in it, you're not being fair to yourself and the decent Men who are out there.
I think the answer is, be more cautious and take much longer before getting involved next time so you can have a better opportunity to see them in all situations. I don't know what's happened for you yet I assume you've not been treated well. You can however, learn from your experience and be more careful with who you get involved with next. There were probably signs which were overlooked and trust was prematurely given.
You said when you go out, you can feel the stares and eyes of men on you and how most of them have beautiful wives by their sides, do you notice the Men who don't look at you. Maybe it may be an exercise worth doing as a comparison.
Look around with new eyes as I believe you'll learn that what I say is true. There are some absolutely beautiful, faithful, respectful, personally developed Men out there, you just have to settle for nothing less.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (8 August 2009):
All this stuff you see on the news... well as a journalist, let me tell you:
It only makes the news because it's a rare and news worthy thing.
I will never ever ever start a bulletin with "In Cambridge today, no one was murdered, and everyone had a nice day. In other news, the Government is saying that Banks must do more to help small businesses."
No.
So remember, for every man that goes out and carries out a rape or murder, there are 4 million more who would never ever even think about it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (8 August 2009):
 First, take what's on the news with a grain of salt. Rapes, murders, fires and whatnot make the news because it titillates people and keeps them watching. It is NOT an accurate guide to the world around you. Nice, normal people do not make the news because going about your life and not hurting anyone is boring.
Second, guys are looking at you and you feel it's disrespectful? Unless they are staring and making comments, looking is harmless. Men are visual creatures and enjoy looking at beautiful things, even though - and this part is important - generally they will not act on those desires. It's like window shopping.
Third, if you go looking for reasons to dislike men, you will find plenty of them. It's called confirmation bias: you will remember the bad things and discount the good things. In your post you talk about the men who stare at you; what about the men who aren't staring at you? What about the men who are with their first loves, who have been married to the same woman for thirty years? Try looking for the good stories and you will find them.
Fourth, women are as bad in different ways. Women are more likely to kill their own children. We are violent, we murder people, we commit rapes, we break off relationships in hurtful ways, all kinds of madness. I wrote an article about an awful thing a woman did to me that I still haven't recovered from. Women are not saints. No gender has a claim on being more moral than the other. Assholes come in every flavor of the rainbow.
I think you should carry on with the counseling and coming to terms with the fact that we are all human and flawed.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 August 2009):
 A story in belgium/holland. A woman helps 3 violent criminals escape from jail. The men are caught in various parts of the world, having commited various crimes immidiatly after their escape.
The men obviously ain't very moral. Even less so since the woman has NOT been seen since. Since 3 violent criminals were found and a complete amateur was not, it isn't hard to guess what happened to her.
Another blotch on the moral radar of these men, but what of the woman?
Where is the moral compass of women who date rapists and murderers? All those woman who write love letters to people in jail? All the women that life rich life of the profits of crime?
What of the mothers who turn a blind eye to the rape of their daughters, just so their perfect little household won't fall apart?
What of the female concentration camp guards?
What of the teenage girls that give other girls eating disorders?
What of the females behind pro-anna sites?
What of all the mothers who raised the murderers and rapists you talk about and protect them because they are their darling sons?
If you want to improve the world, improve yourself first.
You ain't really upset by the greater wrongs in the world, you are upset because you are a "great" woman who has been ditched for someone younger.
You are however the one at fault in such a case. Why? Because YOU dated the guy in the first place. If he lacks a so called moral compas, then you lack common-sense. You dated a guy, that thinks younger is better and gives up a relationship for it.
If you date a dog, don't blame the dog, blame yourself for not being able to spot a dog. It ain't that hard.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (8 August 2009):
 I am not going to disagree with you at all. I think you have made some valid points. I believe that many men with wives, girlfriends and babies look at other women, and yes, in many ways it is disrespectful.I would also point out that in my experience, many women do the same thing, women who have husbands, boyfriends and chlidren. I am no oil painting, but I stand out in a crowd for many reasons, and women want to make eye contact. It works both ways.I think you have a degree of fear about 'wasting' yourself and your feelings on a man who might, at the drop of a hat, go off with another woman. This is completely natural, but you seem to have developed this fear into something that will DEFINITELY happen to you, because ALL men are like that. So, you are wondering why you should bother at all.We all have fears of some sort. I have a 14 year old son. I see the daily news of stabbings, gang fights, and gunfights that seem to happen in every country and every city. But although I fear for his safety at youth clubs, I still allow him to go, as I do not want to stifle his personal growth. I have to believe that not ALL black or mixed race youths end up in hospital or worse, otherwise I would never let him out of my sight.My partner is incredibly shapely and beautiful. She is a Director of a large company and travels on business with many male peers. I have fears of what other men might try to do, but I trust HER. Men look at her. She looks at men. If she runs off with another man, that's life. It happens. I would be devastated after 17 years, but would have to move on. The point is, you should not live your life in fear of what a man 'might' do, based on what negative points you feel about men. Instead, try to see if there are any positive aspects of a relationship with a man that you might enjoy. Contrary to popular opinion, not ALL men are dogs, and many know when they are on to a good thing.You say men look at you, and perhaps you translate this as men objectifying you. It might be the case. It might not. It just remains for you to open your mind sufficiently to take a risk with your feelings, and find out for yourself. You must believe that a good man is out there for you. I do. Hold on to that hope, think positively about the good things a man might do, and stay focused on that. In my personal opinion, I think men look at you as a beautiful woman. It would be a shame if your negative feelings overwhelmed you, and forced you into a life of fear and suspicion, instead of a life of hope, pleasure and fulfilment, that is actually right there for the taking.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): As a biology student I can assure the last poster that women experience far more hormonal change during thleir lives than men ever do o I'm pretty sure that can't bro used as am excuse for mend behaviour as the last poster claims. Also there is absolutely no evidence that men are in any way 'more visual' than women although their behaviour does provide evidence that they are socialised to objectify women... Again no excuse. I think the op makes some very interesting points.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): There are biological reasons for how some men behave. I don't mean to delve into TMI straight away, but when you have your period, that rush of hormones (testosterone, for instance) is what men have to deal with on a daily basis. It makes them quick to get frustrated and even quicker to get angry (in some cases). If you were on yours menses constantly, wouldn't you eventually lash out at someone?Another thing is, men are extremely visual. They cannot help it, it is in their genes. They will look at something, whether it be a natural landscape, a car, or another woman, merely for the benefit of looking at something aesthetically pleasing. This is not considered cheating in most men's books, and it should not be considered so in yours either. Why not appreciate WHAT they are looking at yourself, instead of slating them for it? The same goes for pornography. Men don't necessarily want their women to look or act like porn stars, they simply find it easier to relieve their tension with meaningless visual stimuli, which most women don't understand.Might I remind you that woman are equally capable of deception, selfishness, and even murder? There are plenty of men out there who ONLY want love and committment, and my boyfriend is one of them. I would even say that he reeks of manners and monogamy. Maybe he is a rarity, but don't lose hope. Stop focusing on all the psychopaths and losers out there and start giving men a REAL chance. Catch the eye of a stranger who is too shy to meet yours. You may be surprised with what you find.Don't lose hope, girls. Not ALL men are dogs.
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