A
male
age
30-35,
*vdmatsunaga
writes:Ok I really need your guys' insight as to what's going on. So my girlfriend and I have been dating for around a month and a half now, but we've been good friends since freshman year (I'm a senior). Everything's been great, except ever since we started dating she's held back and withdrawn whenever we've gotten close to having sex. I mean we makeout and I get her off through fingering/going down on her but it's like once she starts to orgasm she withdraws and makes up excuses to stop (stomach hurts, head hurts, tired). It's odd because she's the one that initiates it and I know she wants it with that look on her face.Here's the thing, last night it happened once again. I gave her a big O and she started complaining about her stomach hurting yada yada. I ended up getting pissed and she could immediately tell I was frustrated. She got emotional and almost started crying saying we needed to talk things out. So she told me that she lost her virginity to the last guy she was with and that he rushed her into everything and in the end it ended up being all about sex. She said for that reason she purposely tried not to attach herself to him although it was really hard. She felt unfulfilled and felt like he always wanted something from her and he was really clingy/needy/insecure and she said even though she can be friends with him she can never see him in the same way (what does that even mean?) and that she doesn't want that to happen with me. Oddly enough she was dating him last year while we were hanging out and eventually dumped him for me. She said she really likes me and wants this work, but I'm intimidating because of my past (she knows I've hooked up with a bunch of girls) and that she's only been with that one guy, she was kind of afraid because she knows what I've done and doesn't want to end up like another hookup. Now, I really like this girl, its the first time I've been willing to try a relationship and this is actually the first girl I'll sleep with that I actually care about and I told her she shouldn't be intimidated because that's the truth. Now my question is what is this really about because I don't get it. I mean I shouldn't be pissed but I feel like this guy somewhat ruined this relationship for me and that she might still be attached to him in some way. I just don't get why she's so dead set on waiting so long. She could be afraid of getting hurt I guess but I feel like its something more. Although she's told me that its because she really wants this to work I just can't fathom the idea. How could she have given it up so easily (clearly she agreed to sleep with him), then left him for me, and now want to wait to have sex wtf. How does this work in the female mind guys?
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female
reader, :)31215  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 She will come to trust you eventually if you give her time.
A
male
reader, dvdmatsunaga +, writes (14 September 2013):
dvdmatsunaga is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMan you hit the nail right on the head man. That's exactly why its bothering me. She can't let herself go completely with me because of her and some other guys' actions. It's not even about the sex, its suffering for something I didn't even do. If it was just because she was a virgin or wanted to wait I'd be totally fine with it. But its the fact that I'm being judged/compared for something I never did. I admit its not fair for me to put any pressure on her but by the same token I feel its not fair for me to invest so much while feeling deep down that I'm dealing with traumas that were someone else's conquest. I haven't nor will I do anything to break her trust, but I feel like its for nothing because in the back of her mind she can't trust me fully to take this next step in the relationship. How can it reach its maturity if that doesn't change? Hopefully over time she'll come to see.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): Imagine if you told your GF that you were uncomfortable spending any money on her because you spent too much on your previous GF and she took advantage of that. People would say you should not punish your new GF for your previous GF's misdeeds and your having allowed yourself to be used in the past. I think the same could be said about your new GF's sexual issues. You are definitely paying the price for what went on during her past relationship. That is both of their faults, your GFs and the other guy. Your GF has every right to refuse to sleep with you until she is ready. Just like you have the right to say "Fuck this, it's not my fault or my problem that she let the last guy take advantage of her. I'm breaking up." If you care about your GF then you will not say it to her like that. But you may still need to break up with her over the problem, depends on what you can put up with. If you break up with your GF over this it will probably just make her problem worse. It will make her feel even MORE like all anyone ever wants from her is sex. Even though half of what is bothering you is feeling wrongly punished. (You wouldn't mind waiting a while if she was still a virgin, would you? The problem is not just the sex, its that you are being punished for stuff other people did wrong.)It would be nice if you stay with your GF and wait as long as she wants to wait now. But you don't owe her that.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 I would take the advise given and would also not have any intimate sessions other than a hug and a peck. If she queries, tell her you love her and will wait for her, but the heavy make out session is on hold as you cannot handle the hot and cold response but of course you are sensitive to her needs and respect her to wait till she comes to you. I assure you, she will make up her mind and come to you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 I LOVED your shocked reaction, " what , are we supposed just to cuddle ".That was so cute. Ah to be young and hormon-laden again. Yes, believe it or not, more or less that's what you are supposed to do. Not literally of course, you set your own boundaries as for french kissing and fondling and what not, anyway the idea would be to stop BEFORE it gets too hot and heavy and she has to feel uncomfortable and you have to feel frustrated.
Don't go to bed, go to the movies. Don't let her straddle you, don't give her oral sex. Believe or not, that's what many people, even in this day and age and even at much older ages than yours, do at just 6 weeks of dating... if they want to take it slow, get to know each other well and have the chance to build a real relationship.
Not that's wrong or immoral going faster as long as BOTH want it. It's a personal choice. But, apparently , her choice is to be sure she is in a relationship with you , and that it is a good relationship, before letting you cross a certain point. So, if you care about the girl, you will have to work with her choices.
I can understand your surprise and annoyance, because then what's with all the heavy petting and oral sex and orgasms... my very personal hunch , is that she seems very sexually gun shy and insecure, and if it was only for her,atm she could easily do without that too. But, also due to your player reputation and past habits, she is afraid that you would not stay around a minute longer if you had to stick to romantic walks hand-in-hand : ) so, she is not going to give you the main course, but she hopes that if she serves you enough appetizers you won't leave the dinner table. That's just my gut feeling , anyway regardless if I am right or wrong, it makes sense if you talk to her and tell her that you both need to back off a bit sexually- you understand her need for going slowly, but she should understand how you don't need to get into situations were you are going to feel inevitably disappointed and frustrated.
It's worth a try- I think that once you have removed ANY possibility of pressure, things will take momentum on their own and pretty soon you may find that she is asking YOU for complete sexual relationships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): It sounds like she doesn't trust you.
Next time she starts initiating the make out session, you should stop her and ask her how far she wants to go. don't just keep going until it upsets her. By then its too late because she is already upset and then so are you.
You know by know there is a pattern. Therefore be proactive! Stop her as she is getting into making out and ask her how far does she want to go. And don't get upset at her answer or she may lie just to placate you and say she is ok with something that she really isn't. And then of course she will get upset and then so will you.
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A
female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (13 September 2013):
If you can't stand it when she stops before you bring her to climax then do what CMMP suggested and just stop after a make out session. That way you can show you don't want any more from her until she is ready. You must let her know you're not rejecting her, you just do not want to push her into feeling she has to.
x
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 Okay, our answers crossed in the posting, just hang in there for a little longer, it will be worth it!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (13 September 2013):
Okay, you and she have been dating for a month and a half ..... that's only SIX weeks! Give the girl some time willya. This girl has already told you the problem, she feels she has been rushed into sex and doesn't want to have that feeling with you, and here you are, six flaming weeks in and getting pissed!
You need to understand sex for women is often tied up with the emotional. If you build on the emotional connection between the two of you, develop some trust, let her see you love her for more than a receptacle where you can stick you dick, give her some time and the sex will naturally follow.
UNLESS the pains in her stomach are caused by a physical condition, maybe with her ovaries, in which case you could, once you have given the sexual side of the relationship more than a mere six weeks to develop, suggest she visit her lady doctor.
Relax, sex with a woman is not a prize, the fact she had sex with somebody before you and is now holding back is not cause to get pissed .... try listening to her with your ears instead of your dick and your ego and you should get along just fine.
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A
male
reader, dvdmatsunaga +, writes (13 September 2013):
dvdmatsunaga is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know my post may come across as insensitive but I'm seriously not pressuring her. However when she gets on the bed, sits on me and starts making out with me and I bring her to climax only to run into a "stomach ache" its just, I don't know. I am new to taking things slow but I'm absolutely willing to do it for this girl. But what, are we just going to cuddle for the next few months? I don't even "try" to have sex with her, but when the making out/oral gets hot and heavy and she starts to orgasm she just forces herself to stop, she calls it a "switch." She can't even let herself get pleasure. Moaning/scratching me one second, straight face/excuse the next, it makes me want to rip my hair out. I will do it though, for her, its just despairing sometimes.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 September 2013):
It seems relatively obvious that she's afraid that if she starts having sex with you that sex will become the focus of the relationship. It could be an automatic reaction that she finds hard to control. Sort of like if a kid touches the stove and gets burned he won't get near it again, without even having to think about it.
I think the solution is to be patient. A month and a half is awhile, but it's not THAT long. Wait until you guys have a full blown relationship, with commitment and zero doubt that you are there for her, not her body. If she initiates things, make out and stop before it gets to the point of no return (below the belt).
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 September 2013):
It seems relatively obvious that she's afraid that if she starts having sex with you that sex will become the focus of the relationship. It could be an automatic reaction that she finds hard to control. Sort of like if a kid touches the stove and gets burned he won't get near it again, without even having to think about it.
I think the solution is to be patient. A month and a half is awhile, but it's not THAT long. Wait until you guys have a full blown relationship, with commitment and zero doubt that you are there for her, not her body. If she initiates things, make out and stop before it gets to the point of no return (below the belt).
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 September 2013):
It does not sound so mysterious to me. With the other guy she felt pressured to have sex- which does not mean he raped her , just that she caved to his persistence ,his greed ,his need. HIS. She had sex because HE wanted to ..
and she went along to make him happy and to keep him around. But, she felt that becoming intimate too soon tainted the relationship, did not give it time to develop on other plans other than the physical, or to build emotional intimacy , not only physical intimacy.
Live and learn, - she does not want to make the same mistake with you. She wants to take it slow and feel connected before and beyond sex. Your ladiesman reputation plays against you too- probably she wants to be able to fully trust you and be confident that you aren't with her just for fun and games.
You aren't showing a lot of sensitivity- because you are more then ready it does not mean she MUST be ready too, - that's what happened with the previous guy and she does not want to have to deal with the same scenario. If you really care about her , you will not pressure her , you'll wait for her to be ready. She should not have to feel intimidated , she should not have to feel she needs to invent excuses and stomach aches to fend off your advances. She should be able to trust you, to relax with you, to know that she won't be asked what she wants to give you ,but at her pace.
You told her that she should not feel intimidated because you do care about her and " that's the truth ". The truth is always best spoken by actions than by words. Talk is cheap. And you realize, right, how ridicolous and contradictory sounds when you say, basically : I do care about you, I really do- so stop pussyfooting and just put out already !
It would be way more convincing and reassuring if you'd say : I do care about you, I really do, so if we have sex today or in a few weeks, or months even, when you feel more comfortable and feel that our closeness has grown and recahed the right point.... I don't mind, it's just the same to me.
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A
female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (12 September 2013):
Hi!I am a female here to assist!Sounds to me like she is worried about not being good enough in bed with you as you've had a lot of experience and she hasn't. She also seems worried she'll be used for sex like jn her previous relationship. The thing about not looking at the other guy in the same way means (i guess!) that she likes him a platonic friend, but because of the way he rushed or pressured her into having sex, means she will never accept him as anything more than that.She seems like a very caring, kind hearted girl, as she still wants to be friends with this guy. If it were me in the position I'd be inclined to kick him to the curb!To me, it does just seem like she is nervous about being used for sex like in her previous relationship. She wants to have a proper relationship with you (which is great!) and so has opened up to you. My advice would be to talk with her again, let her know you're with her for a relationship, not just sex, but sex is important in the relationship. Let her know you will be there to help her get there in her own time and most important DO NOT pressure her!! Hope this helps you a little.. female minds can be very confusing!Xx
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