A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i feel like i'm unappreciated.i always organise days out with my boyfriend and i always sort out tickets and transport and times. he just says yes!but he when it comes down to paying, all he does again is say yes.. he never actually pays up.for example, we went to america last year on holiday and i purchased some things for us to share (photos, albums, posters etc) ..he said he'd go halfs with me but he never did and when i say he owes me it, he always says he doesn't.aswell with train tickets, this weekend we're going to manchester and i booked them and i payed for the tickets. i said it'd be £15 each and he refuses to pay. he said he'd give me £10 because he's got to get to mine (which is about £5) but i don't think that's right!!also i drive him around all over the place because he doesn't drive, he doesn't pay for petrol, he says because i'm going the same place with him, he doesn't owe me.what am i even meant to say to him that i haven't said already?
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (23 November 2010):
I don't believe in the idea of man having to "woo" a woman and shell-out accordingly. To me that is very old fashioned and I would never treat a man like that.
This question has been difficult to answer because you have provided more and more info as it has gone on.
Either way, two things stand out here for me.
1) He needs to pay your mum back, and I would also ask why that sort of situation has arisen in the first place. Has your mum spoken to him about this? There should be no need for your bf to borrow money from your mum and this is really dodgy ground to be on.
2) Why on earth are you putting your life on hold for him? There are clearly problems in the relationship, and you putting your life on hold is going to amplify those and breed even more feelings of resentment. You cannot blame your bf for your own choice to do that, so it cannot really form part of the argument. I would certainly question the wisdom of such behaviour in this situation. Is he really worth it?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry for confusing all haha i know i shouldve put the whole story down but i was feeling awful.
thanks for your advice
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 When my boyfriend and I purchase things for each other, we don't pay each other back. We reciprocate and buy the next time or whatever.
He needs to pay your mother back, it's difficult borrowing money from relatives because it puts a strain on the relationship when it's not paid back within a reasonable time.
You need to decide if you can put up with this forever or for much longer and if not, then leave.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 November 2010):
 *Sigh*
This is why whole stories are helpful.
If that's what you're feeling, then it may be time to leave this relationship. He isn't going to pay you back. You can decide if you can write this off, or if it is a deal breaker.
From where I sit, owing you is one thing, but owing your mom is a completely different thing.
In relationships we shouldn't have to play bill collector. It puts undo strain on the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit's not about the couple of quid, it's about the £100 he didn't pay my mum for our holiday, it's the £60 he owes me for our holiday stuff, the £15 he owes me for my tickets which he refuses to pay.
i hate asking of him, but i feel like he's taking me for granted
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit's not about the money, it's about what he says.
it's about that he says he'll pay me back, he says he appreciates me but yet doesn't do anything to prove it to me. he never says thank you to me.
it seems you think i'm a selfish person when i'm by no means selfish. i bend over backwards for my boyfriend & i do everything for him. i put my life on hold for him. if i'm bad for anything it's being a complete push over.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 November 2010):
Are you trying to say he only pays when it's cheap? 3 pounds fairly regularly adds up quickly. I'm also sure you're not only eating at McDonalds.
He's at fault for promising something and not following through. If he says he'll pay for something, then he should do that. However I don't think you should always be looking for him to pay "his half" when you make purchases. He doesn't ask that of you with the ones he makes, even if they are smaller.
If you want to make him more willing to pitch in than he is, you should pay for some of the small stuff sometimes. Tell him you'll get lunch the next time you're at McDonalds. Then the 3 pound meal is on you and he'll be more inclined to pitch in next time.
Honestly he doesn't owe you and you can't carry that attitude around in a relationship. He's hardly using you for your money but you're treating him as if he were. If a couple pounds is more important to you though, I guess that's your perogative.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso your saying he shouldn't pay me back for the most expensive things that he said he will pay me for?
yet the £3 meals from mcdonalds are enough?
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A
female
reader, Momoe  +, writes (19 November 2010):
Yes, defintely the follow - up changes the story a lot.
If he pays 80 % there is nothing wrong for you to do things for him and pay sometimes for him as well. And if you think you dont have money enough to pay for him as well than at least you have a car to take him places as a return. So dont be stingy, you cant expect a man to pay for everything and treat you like a princess because you certainly are not one.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 You're accusing him of being a mooch when he pays 80% of the time?! Oh the irony.
Wake up and stop being so selfish or he may just get on that bike of his and never come back.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 November 2010):
Honestly your follow up changes things A LOT! If he's paying 8 out of 10 times, then yes, you should pony up some of the time. In a relationship it's your job to woo eachother. That's not solely the man's job. Quit being so damn selfish.
Relationships are about equality. You chip in where you can. If he's paying for 80% of your activities together you have absolutely NOTHING to complain about.
Thanks for the follow up so we now know the real story and can stop judging your unfortunate BF who has to deal with this crap from you!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Exactly let him get some exercise for him it will be good for him, and also you dont ask him to buy you these things therefore he shouldnt throw that back in your face. If you chose to buy him something every now and again then you shouldnt expect the money back but when he agrees that he will pay you for something then doesnt then thats just wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your good advice. i feel like a door matt but i do it all because i'm too soft.
i know exactly what you all mean, i appreciate it so much. i will stop doing the organising, it never seems appreciated & my bank balance ends up with a huge dent in.
he says if anyone owes, it's me who owes him, because he always buys me things & takes me out (which 8 times out of 10 yeah he does pay for) but i'm pretty sure it's the males job to 'woo' the woman..
i don't know, but i'm gonna stop buying & paying!! he can pay upfront.
as for driving, he can get on his bike!!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 November 2010):
I wouldn't want to give up a free transportations service either. What a friggin mooch! I wouldn't even feel like a man if I did something like this. You're his sugar momma and unless you change your behavior he won't change his. Do like aunt honesty said, quit buying stuff for him with any expectation of getting paid back. If you don't want to do it out of the kindness of your heart, then don't do it. He's shown he can't be trusted to follow up on his end, so now it's up to you to realize that.
I hope the relationship is good in other areas, because I seriously wonder why you stick around.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (18 November 2010):
Actions speak louder than words so from now on show him that he cant just keep walking all over you, because sweetie that is exactly what he is doing, and you are still buying him the stuff therefore he aint going to stop walking all over you until he starts taking you serious.
Ok so as for train tickets just dont buy his, if you are going somewere on the train then tell him that you will meet him at the train station and you can both buy your tickets there, each pay for your own. Dont buy something and ask him to go halfers with you because he wont then because it is already paid for so dont pay for anything, let him grow up and get his own stuff stop babying him.
As for driving him around in your car, the next time he asks you to take you somewere tell him you need petrol money up front before you take him or else you cant give him a lift.
Am sorry but he is a pathetic excuse of a man, he is treating you like dirt and using you to save himself a few pound. Dont let him treat you like this sweetie.
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A
female
reader, Momoe +, writes (18 November 2010):
I think he is just using you. A guy who is in love will organize things for you and definetely wont leave you paying stuff for him.
Stop driving him around or helping him and see how he reacts. Distance yourself a bit. Also try dating other guys, may be you will see the difference when you meet someone who really likes you.
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