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female
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*atina
writes: I have been with my boyfriend now for 2 years. He has spent most of our time with each other in jail though, and the thing is, when he is at home we are great together. I couldn't have been happier but the way he is now is changing the way I feel about him. He is so selfish; he just expects me to do what he says. When he says it, he asks for expensive clothing and when I get them 2 weeks later he will swap them for something off one of his inmates. If he wants anything he will order it to be done and says it's my job to look after him and calls me selfish and lazy if I don't get it right away, even though he knows I am a single mother of one who is working full time. He won't let me go out with friends. In fact he goes mad even if I go to friends' houses. He just calls me sly and starts accusing me of all sorts. I have got another 2 years to go and I don't know how much more I can take. I do love him but he just thinks of himself all the time and if I leave him he said he would make sure I was terrorised everywhere I go and my car will be smashed up on a regular basis! What should I do?
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female
reader, Green_Eyez +, writes (20 September 2005):
Deep down I think you already know the answer to your question don't you? This guy sound's like complete scum. Things might be great when you're together, but the fact that this man has spent the majority of your relationship in prison just smacks of his total lack of love and respect for you.
I hate to put this bluntly but this man is using you. He needs you a lot more than you need him and he is so terrified of losing his skivvy, he uses threats to keep you at his beckon call. I'll lay good money on you being quite young, so why are you wasting your life on this creep? Cut him loose and move on. You are worth so much more than this.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (20 September 2005):
 Call it off instantly. Not only does this guy show abusive and threatening tendencies, he also is very self centred!! Where the hell does he think he's in? A king living in a bloody castle?? He's in prison for crying out loud!! He should be thanking his luck stars he even has someone visiting him on a frequent basis!! And now he thinks its your obligation to get you stuffs for him??!! You need to really really really get out of this relationship, its going nowhere. He aint gonna change hunny!! And once you do that, mention to the police when the date he gets out. Don't let him tell you what to do. Dont let him ruin your life. He already has so save yourself from the grief you're gonna have for another 2 more years!! Hope this helps!
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (20 September 2005):
 This man is selfish, possessive and dangerous; all the criteria necessary for you to have absolutely nothing to do with him.
Put your feelings to one side and seek some help as soon as possible. You need to protect yourself and your child from him. It is not safe for you to live your life like this under threats of violence and such pressure. He may be great when you are together but he certainly has a nasty streak which you don't want to encounter.
Seek advice from the police, a solicitor or anyone in authority in connection with this situation who can guide you in the right direction and offer you protection. You need to do this. He may just be letting off hot air but you can't afford to take that risk, especially not with a child also to consider.
Tell the police he is threatening and blackmailing you, explain how you feel and that you don't want to live in terror for when he is released.
I know this is a big step but you have to do something to safeguard your future. Stop all contact with him now, do not prolong it; at least this way he still has two years before he is released which may provide the time he needs not to try and cause problems once he is released.
Get in contact with POPS (Partners of prisoners and Families Support Group) who provide support and information as well as practical help (0161 740 8600) and/or seek out any other organisations that help women in your situation such as Woman's Aid (0808 2000 147).
Please do something soon and don't allow this man to rule your life any longer.
My thoughts are with you.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (20 September 2005):
 You're not going to like this, I'm afraid...
Hon, you are getting exactly NOTHING out of this relationship, so why do you insist that you love this guy? What's he done that deserves your special affection? Is it the financial demands that make you feel all warm and special? Is it being ordered around by someone who - despite being in jail - seems to think he's superior to you? Is it his controlling and potentionally abusive nature that makes you go weak at the knees?
Oh honey, please wake up! This guy is one of the biggest losers I've ever read about on this site (and I've answered more than 600 readers' questions!) He's controlling and threatening you, and that's while he's still incarcerated. The gods only know what he'll do when he can actually physically threaten you too.
Break it off. You don't owe him an explanation. He's a turd, so scrape him off your shoe and move on.
His threats to you are empty, a way to keep you frightened of leaving him, because he wants you to keep serving him. But if you're still afraid, report his threats to the jail and to the local police, who will investigate and help keep you and your child safe. That's what law enforcement does!
If you keep this up, things will become much, much worse when he gets out of prison, because he'll expect you to keep jumping when he says "frog" and will have no compunction about slapping you around to keep you (and your child) in what he considers "in line". Would you allow him to do that to a defenceless child? Well, don't allow him to do it to you, either.
Drop him. Stop answering his phone calls. Stop wasting your money and time and love on someone who is a a complete disaster, waiting to happen to you.
Be strong. Trust your instincts. You wouldn't have written this question if you didn't think something was really wrong. Now act on it!
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