A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused and I don't know if I'm totally out of line or if my girlfriend is being unreasonable.My girlfriend is very attached to her family. They are overall a very close, intimate family who are all open with each other. I, in contrast, was brought up in a more isolated environment. My upbringing was by no means bad, but my family isn't as intimate, and all my extended family lives far away (in contrast to hers who all live nearby.)Growing up, her mom was the sole figure of support, consistency and love in her life. She had few friends, was bullied, and was not even treated respectfully by adults and teachers. Her mom was always the one who would help get her out of the house, spend time with her, go to dinner or a movie, go shopping, whatever, to help get her mind off things and bring her back to a happier place. Now, as an adult however, she still seems to be clinging to this past. When things go wrong, she always calls her mom, who continues to do the same thing - take her out and whatever. The problem is that this is interfering with our relationship. She has canceled dates, time together, and plans with me because she got stressed about something, called her mom, and her mom would take her out and everything. She is asking me to understand that this is the best way for her to handle stress, and the fact that it means that sometimes our plans are canceled is unfortunate but it's what she "needs". I, on the other hand, being brought up in a more isolated way, learned to deal with stress on my own. Additionally, I am not able to drive due to a disability. This means that I can't even do the things her mom can do for her. It's obvious to me that stress is best dealt with for her by just getting out and having a good time. I wish I could provide this for her as well, but I can't, at least not in the same way. Since my family is so small, I tended to develop family-like relationships with my closest friends. My friends are the ones who are there for me in times of crisis. My friends are the ones I'd do just about anything for unconditionally. My friends are the ones I call when I need a shoulder to lean on. So maybe I can't fully understand her family connection, but it's not for lack of trying.The upshot of all of this is she basically will always choose the support of her mom over the support I can give her. She asks me to understand that this is what works best for her. As a guy, unfortunately, I'm finding myself feeling inferior and helpless with respect to her. I feel like I will never be able to be significant in her life as long as she has her family, and as long as they physically can do more for her than I can.She will continue to insist that "it's not you" and "it has nothing to do with your limitations" and so on. She said though that she feels that there's a "contest" going on, where I feel like I have to be "better" than her family. Which may be true to an extent, but I don't have to be "better". I just want to be a significant part of her life, and share that life with her family. I'd never expect her to give up her family completely. She seems to think that's where I'm always going when I express my feelings, but it's not. I just want to see her have a healthy relationship with them, to nurture her own independence, and to be the support that a boyfriend should be able to give. And yet all the while I feel like I'm horribly selfish.We've been dating 2 years, by the way. This problem's gotten worse recently, and I'm not really at a point where I want to just break up and give up on her. Advice, please........Thanks
View related questions:
bullied, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 April 2013):
 Ah OP your update fleshes out the real problem. Because until I read your update I was totally with Cerberus and CMMP on this. The way it seemed to me was you were being insecure and creating a problem that is not really there. Now with your update I see that it’s more about the fact that she may really be putting her mom before you.You are telling me that no matter what plans you have, if her mommy calls and says come she cancels your plans together? Is her mother ill? Are the plans you have with her being canceled for valid reasons?When my mother was alive she was my bestest friend on earth. I talked to her at least twice a day and when she lived locally I saw her nearly daily. I was married with children and it was still that way. A mother/daughter relationship is a very precious thing and some of us are lucky to have a great relationship with our moms. While I would not have canceled a date for something casual, when my mother was ill, she took priority over everything and everyone. If you have talked to her about it and expressed your feelings about wanting to be her partner fully and she blows you off or ignores you, then yes you may have to consider ending the relationship.
A
male
reader, peanut_gallery +, writes (18 April 2013):
What you describe is very annoying in a relationship and it will never change.
I think the best way forward is for you to find someone who is more inclined to think/feel like you do.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): OP hereIt interests me that people all are getting the impression that I expect her to dump her support system. She herself also accuses me of this. And it may be an issue with how I present my feelings, but that's not my intent.What I really want to see happen, is that I have enough significance in her life, where the plans we make aren't so easily canceled over and over and over. Where she does feel she can come to me for help with things I can do for her, rather than asking her mom for everything. (Which, by the way, if her mom can't help her, she gets even more upset, and acts like she's helpless, even though she never asked me, and I may have been able to help her where her mom couldn't.)It's one thing to have your plans canceled because of someone needing to see their family. It's another entirely to have those plans canceled repeatedly, frequently. This part of things may sound selfish, but I wish I could ask her: why is it you can cancel our date so easily, and expect me to understand, but you are never able to tell your mom you're busy/on a date/etc? Even if our plans were made first, she prioritizes her mom's plans over all else.I feel like there's a bigger issue going on, where she also has a fear of trusting anyone else fully. No, I'm not asking her to not see her mom. I'm not asking her to not ask her mom for support. I'm asking to be part of her support network, and to not feel like garbage when for the fifth time in a row, our date gets canceled because she has to see her mom, talk to her mom, or ask her mom for help, especially when I could have helped her with the things she needed help with, and we could still have gone on our date.I hope that makes more sense now...
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 April 2013):
If your gf has some emotional issues and the best way she sees fit to fix them is to be with her mom why would you want to interfere with that?
Yes, ideally for you, you would be able to be everything she needed, but that's just not how it is, and your refusal to understand is selfish.
This is one of those things that you either have to understand and accept, or break up with her. There's no middle ground here, because the middle ground makes you both unhappy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Sounds to me like you're letting your own insecurities of your limitations ruin this relationship for you.
You have a disability that limits your mobility in terms of driving and perhaps other ways and somehow you feel she needs to up her game to make you feel more superior because of that?
You see OP what you say makes no sense to me personally, you say it's a man thing but I don't feel that way. OP one of my exs her favourite way of dealing with stress and her once a month rage was to go shopping with her mother. Now if you think for one second I'm going to drop everything and go girly shopping any time someone farted in her general direction then you have another thing coming. OP it's a blessing to have a woman who already has a well established support network. It really is, my fiancée has one too and believe it or not their support largely extends to you too, who does she turn to when she needs to help you in some way? Her family OP. OP I love her with all my heart but I don't think I could stand jumping to attention every time she gets stressed, or pissed off in a minor way. I'm delighted she has female friends who she can bitch and moan to, other than me. I think you have feelings of inadequacy going here OP and they're nothing to do with her, I think you'll find no woman is going to make you the "everything" you want to be in their lives. You need to find another way of boosting your self esteem OP.
Can you not see how this feeling of inferiority you have does not make logical sense OP? I mean that in sense of you thinking if she acts more needy and clingy that it'll fix that? Do you not see how that's not logical at all?
Even she has to excuse herself and explain it's not your limitations, why would she mention that if it wasn't actually the real reason you feel this way.
OP these are your limitations, not hers, you can't expect her to step up and ease them for you because she can't. No one can, only you. Would you really feel happy if she gave up her best form of support just because you need to feel more "able"? Seriously you wouldn't feel guilty denying her, the very foundations of her mental well being just to appease something which is your cross to bear?
OP my mother is disabled, the inferiority feeling is one she's suffered from greatly but she doesn't expect anyone else to have to pander to that and she certainly wouldn't ask us to lower our quality of life in order to do so. You're effectively asking her to lower her quality of life in order to pander to your disability. So you're letting the inferiority complex you've built from it ruin your relationship.
OP do you really want a new mother, a woman who can't live without you that babies you and runs to you about everything? I couldn't handle that at all.
So tell me OP, how does it feel to have let your limitations be the basis of this relationship for you and her? How does it feel to know you want to hold her back and later her life to satisfy this insecurity you have?
I'd feel awful OP, I'd do everything I could to ensure my disability doesn't hold anyone back, just like my mam does. Well you may ensure you do that physically but mentally OP you've become just as disabled. You're projecting your disability onto her as a burden mentally.
OP go seek out a support group, or counselling. Being less able to do things hurts, it's a massive dent on persons mind, you should try and find a solution to this internal mental issue rather than wanting her to suffer instead of wanting her to give up something that is exceptionally good for her, for this kind of reason.
OP how can you in any kind of reasonable frame of mind expect a woman to give up her best source of support and her own mother? Can you not see how that's not going to fix this issue for you? This is an internal mental issue OP, you need to fix this not expect her too which such a profoundly negative impact in her life.
...............................
A
female
reader, HeresBoo  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 My advice would be to ask her for compromise as it is stressing you out. Ask her for a night where you can try and console her with a smaller issue with small amounts of stress and stay in and watch a movie. Prepare by downloading a bunch of different movies on a hard drive or buying a bunch so you always have some there, or treat her to a nice night in with chocolate and her favourite wine or something, you get the idea. She obviously doesn't trust anyone but her mum to understand how to deal with her stress, so you have to show her :) Don't give up on her just yet, nudge her in the right direction, after all, if the two of you were to choose to get married and start a life together then she can't be running to her mum every time she gets stressed out. She still can but she needs to understand that you don't feel a total part of the relationship until you can emotionally support her and have her trust that you can. Let me know if this is helpful and how things go! Xo best of luck
...............................
|
