A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have had such a difficult couple of years. Long story short.-I have been a stay at home Mum for nearly 4 years. Gave up my sort of "career" to raise my two kids. Which as left me feeling neglected and unappreciated. - My parents are divorcing "badly" due to my Dads affairs and going to strip clubs which left me with little trust for anyone.- Then my husbands shatters all trust and respect for him by going to a strip club. Which has left my self confidence and self esteem in pieces. -Finally my only saving grace was my future career I had been planning to start has gone now too. I was told basically I am not intelligent enough to complete the degree (because they have put up the entry requirements). Whilst supporting my Husband through his degree which he has now nearly completed. If I hadn't waited for him to finish his 5 year degree I could of got onto mine.I feel terrible. Am I depressed?
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (17 April 2013):
 Sorry to hear that you are going through a traumatic period in your life.
It sounds like you are wrestling with change: your husband has let you down, the rock that was your parents' marriage has been shattered, and your dreams of your career choice are fading. I can certainly see why you are upset and the reasons why you feel like you do.
Let's look at each of the issues:
1) Your parents marriage is out of your control. Sure it is sad and traumatic, even for adults, but it happens. Your mother will be happier in the long run and it sounds like her husband wasn't a good man (or at least a happy man, since he resorted to cheating). While you hate to see it end, it really means both can pursue whatever they were missing in their lives. Also, keep in mind that their divorce wasn't your fault.
2) I am not sure why your husband went to a strip club. I know I would not be able to get away with that in a committed relationship. My concern is what made him think that was acceptable? If it was a business deal or because of a bachelor party I could see it as slightly passable... but either way if this is a problem to you, you have to make sure he knows that it is not acceptable. Guys in a committed relationship shouldn't be putting themselves into those types of situations -- and I feel the flipside is also true. Also his behavior sets a very poor example to your child.
3) It appears that you are regretting being a stay-at-home mom. This was a choice YOU made and you have to live with it (Don't believe being a single parent is going to be any easier as well) Being a parent is NOT an easy job and is often unappreciated. However, being a stay-at-home parent doesn't mean a death sentence. I do think you need to re-prioritize what you want out of life and what you can do given your current set of circumstances. It may be time to grab a yellow legal pad and make a list of your skills and assets and what you are passionate about. See where it leads and start taking steps. Part of getting off the "pity pot" is to start taking positive steps. Many women raising children find fulfillment in other ways.
Also, if you are feeling unappreciated by your husband, I suggest making him feel appreciated. A man who feels loved will return the affection back to you times two. You may want to read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlessinger.
Finally, if you truly feel depressed I would encourage you to seek professional help. A therapist, even for a short period of time, can help calibrate your life and make you realize your true potential.
Eddie
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 April 2013):
It sounds like you have some real problems, but that you may be depressed as well. Sometimes real problems meet depression and it can make you feel like they are bigger than they really are.
For instance you husband going to a strip club. That has absolutely NOTHING to do with your looks, personality, sexuality, NOTHING. Your husband wanted to look at boobs. He's a man so that shouldn't be a surprise. If the two of you had an understanding that going to a strip club was unacceptable then that is the problem.
Saying you're not intelligent enough to complete your degree sounds like the words of a depressed person as well. That's what studying is for. If you're a stay at home mom you should have enough free time to study on your own.
Your dad's problems are unrelated to your husband. Has your husband cheated? Going to a strip club doesn't mean he'll cheat like your dad did.
Taking time off to raise your kids was your choice, it's not fair to resent your husband for it. He's made sacrifices just as you have.
Regarding feeling neglected and unappreciated. I'm sure your depression has some root in why you feel this way, but you probably are neglected and unappreciated to some extent. Most people are. If you want to do something about it, tell your husband that you want to work on your relationship. That you want some alone time with him. Love is like a fire... It starts with a spark but needs fuel or it will burn out.
I hope you don't feel like I'm attacking you here. I feel bad for you, my wife is occasionally in the same boat as you and her feelings feel 100% real to her. But some brutal honesty can hopefully help you to fix the problem instead of assigning blame to everything else in your life.
So, treat your depression, work on your marriage, study for the new entry requirements, don't blame your husband for your father's cheating.
Good luck!
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