A
female
age
36-40,
*ebe87
writes:I don’t feel comfortable with him going out without me. In the start of our relationship he did some things to loose my trust. Now over a year and a half later, we have been doing really good (had our up's and downs) but have really came a long way, I have not caught him of doing anything, but because what he has done in the past while being out without me really worries me. Plus when he drinks, sometimes he ends up not being able to control himself with drinking. So I feel like I have to be around when he drinks so he wont do anything stupid. In the past when he was out with his friends, I'd call him and text him and it would take forever to respond (which drove me nuts, because I was just at home worrying) He tells me I need to trust him because he isn’t out to do anything behind my back. I love him very much and I know he loves me very much. We have BOTH came so far in our relationship, and I want to be able to go out with his friends sometimes without me. I am not going to want to go every time, but I don’t want to have to worry either! What should I do, how should I approach him, where he knows I am trying to trust him and let go of what he has done to me in the past?????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): Having to deal with a drinking boyfriend (and I’m sorry to say this) at such a young age is not worth it. You’re not his babysitter, besides you have your own life ahead of you. Embrace it! If he can’t control his drinking now, chances are he never will....
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (16 September 2010):
 I have been in your shoes and I am going to give you a reality check here.
You say that you have come along way in your relationship in a year and a half.
Really? After a year and a half he is still going out without you, drinking to the point of drunkenness, not answering your calls and he did something in the past that was bad enough to lose your trust over this very same behavior, drinking until completely drunk.
Your boyfriend is pretty young, but it is clear to me that he is what is called a binge drinker. He has a problem with alcohol. I am sure you won't accept the label of alcoholic, but he is exhibiting addictive behavior. This is something you can't fix by "managing" him. This dependency on alcohol is a progressive thing. Meaning that over time it will get much worse to the point of full on alcoholism.
Do you really want to be with a man who doesn't take responsibility for his own actions? A man who doesn't care about others or how his drinking might affect them? A man who will most likely get behind the wheel of a car while drunk, driving from bar to bar and then home? It is only a matter of time before he gets a DUI if he hasn't already or he actually gets in an accident and hurts himself or someone else.
This is a huge red flag. This man is not a good long term relationship prospect.
You are young, better to figure this out now instead of three years down the road, trapped in a marriage with an irresponsible drunk who is on his road to becoming a felon.
That's the bleak outlook here....and the truth of the matter. You may have come along way in a year and a half by putting up with this behavior and normalizing it, but he hasn't changed a bit, now has he?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 September 2010):
 It's simple don't drink and then he won't put himself in those potential situations. He is 100% responsible for himself and his actions regardless of alcohol. Who wants to be babysitting their boyfriend? What kind of relationship is that constantly worrying when he goes out or having to keep an eye on him at all times when you guys are out? One that lacks trust. I don't understand how you have come this far without trust. Either you need to let him regain the trust he lost and stop babysitting him or break up with him because you can't bring yourself to trust him again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 September 2010):
 I understand where you are coming from, but with this lack of trust, your relationship will not go the distance.
I know he may be hard to trust, but the only way he can PROVE he is trustworthy is by him taking some responsibility for his own actions and showing you that he WANTS to be with you.
And don't forget you are his GF/Partner NOT his mother.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 September 2010):
Unless you can trust him to go out by himself, this relationship simply will not work. You can't be his minder. You just can't. It won't even make you feel better. It'll make you more insecure, because the times you don't go, you'll wonder if he's doing something. You seem to be wrapped up in his life, rather than expanding your own. You have been sorting this out for 1 and a half years. You can't suddenly turn the clock back, tell him you distrust him and tell him you want to come out on these nights out to make sure he doesn't do anything wrong. Too late for that. Also, when he's out with his friends, he can't be expected to answer every call and text you send because you're at home. You need to be living your own life.
I'm afraid that unless you start expanding your own life and get out there with your own friends, this won't work. you're not his mother or his minder, and you just can't be there watching him. I suspect that this relationship has gone as far as it can if you're feeling this insecure. Maybe it's time you split and lived your own life.
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