A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am at a loss of what to do Ive been with my husband for almost 11 years and married for 6.He has been smoking cannabis about 3 joints a day everyday for the last about 4 months.I have found porn on the computer related to anal sex and latex.I havent let him know that i have found the porn.But we row or talk about the cannabis everyday and he says he will stop then just gets back on it the next day.he lies to me when i know he has smoked it and drove.Im very physically sick and this is more than i can take i feel like i have a teenage son not a husband.what should i do?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Together babes.. you love the man and he loves you. Tell him you need him to be with you not drifting on a cloud of rainbow coloured air. Don't make it all or nothing, small changes will bring bigger ones. If he can cut down on the weed or pornography even a little bit, it will give you space to connect with him..
I won't minimise how scared and alone you feel, I only hope that he can realise that pushing you away isn't helping. Good luck, I wish you both happiness and health.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Oh yeah, that was his way of drowning the sorrow he was feeling. I'm going to get techinical for a second.
Marijuana is an emotional depressant. This means it dulls your emotions (not make you depressed). Good news, bad news, it doesn't matter. You'll be happy or sad but you won't feel it as extremely.
On the flip side, alcohol is an emotional stimulant. It takes whatever you're feeling and amplifies it.
I'd be glad he chose pot in this case. I still think some combined therapy for the both of you would help him stop the self medication. Finding the root of a problem is more important then fighting how it manifests itself. Treating symptoms rarely cures a problem, because the symptoms are rarely the cause.
Good luck, I hope you can work through this together!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): we do love eachother very much.I have no doubts about him loving me or cheating on me at all and i think he feels the same about me.we have been together since our late teens.I think some professional help maybe the answer.
thank you for your veiw points.its different looking outside in.Two of our pets died about 4 months ago and he found one after 10 days at the side of the road i think this triggered a bit of cannabis smoking then it became everyday.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (23 August 2010):
I'm pretty much in agreement with Mia on this. I think these behaviors are his way of coping with everything that is going on.
What I'd recommend is trying to find some ways to cope together. Maybe seek some therapy. I'm sure the hospital knows of councelors who help people who are going through similar health problems. They often deal with the whole family because it is important for everyone to understand what is helping and hurting in these situations.
Often when drug use escalates like this, it is a form of self medication. I'd actually be relieved that he turned to weed over alcohol because it is far less harmful. He is very likely scared, stressed, and confused. I really bet if you can find a way you both can work through your illness together, then you'll see a reduction in his drug and porn usage.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
You don't like anal sex, but he does... it's hard to expect people to control their desires and pretend they don't like something. That's why he turns to porn, porn allows him to fantasise about having anal sex, probably with you. That's the point of pornography, when your partner refuses to do something porn allows you to go wild with your imagination. Pornography is probably controlling his desire for anal sex and allowing him to get some of his needs met.
Weed use... That's harder... he uses weed to relax and actually people on weed drive more carefully because their attention is a lot more focused. It people who drink alcohol filling up the hospitals, not people that smoke a joint.
However, it's illegal and you don't like it, and yes it changes his personality when he is using, probably making him a little too relaxed and laid back.
No blame is attached to you, but I'm thinking what he might be going through and what reasons he has for the way he acts. He increased his usage about 4months ago, and you recently found a lump.... I think this man is worried about you and turns to weed to cope with the stress of your illness.
He's only a human being. Your off sex, your sick and probably worried, he's scared and worried too.. Pornography and Weed are known to relieve anxiety and stress and that's why I think he feels he needs it right now.
Leave the weed issue until you get some tests results... and go and have a talk with him, kiss him and tell him you love him and that whatever happens you'll tackle this bad time together.
Everyone deals with stress and fear differently... if he loves you he must be going out of his mind with worry about your health right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): its called being addicted to dysfunctional relationships. cut off the ties. don't him. don't be afraid. others will love you. don't let that bring you down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI cant help blaming myself at the moment sex is on the back burner due to me being poorly.I have an auto immune disease and also a lump has been found where it shouldnt be so im waiting for a biopsy.
that being said a am an active positive person..most people have no idea of my illness.
my husband does work full time and i work from home.
its bit embarassing to write but often in sex he does try to go around the back end...which im not up for at all .so that does put me off.
i feel when he smokes he isnt here with me im coping with everything on my own
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A
female
reader, leaf_ lady +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Id be more concerned with the anal and latex than the weed personally. If him smoking really bothers you then tell him you want him to quit, but I doubt that would work. I don't think that the weed is the real problem here. If he is lying and hiding things from you that he knows you disapprove of then you obviously need to talk because they aren't good signs. As for driving when high, I wouldn't worry too much as three jays a day isn't a lot at all (unless he smokes blunts) and I saw a test on a Tv programme called fifth gear where they put a man through a driving course whilst stoned, google it and see for yourself. Tell him if you want him to quit the porn and give him your reasons why. If you explain that its hurting you that he does this and lies about it thats giving him a fair chance to sort it out.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 August 2010):
Hi there. He probably smokes cannibis because of boredom, that's usually the reason.
You don't mention whether he works.
If he's driving under the influence, you could always anonymously (from a public phone box), report him to the police for doing this and hope he gets fined.
But in Australia here, they randomly breath test for both alcohol and drugs. Whether they do that in the UK, I don't know. Hopefully, he might get pulled over.
It is a tough problem, I know.
The other problem with cannibis is, it can cause pananoia, mood swings and depression.
If he won't shift his position on this, you might seriously have to consider ending the relationship, as over time he could become abusive. You don't want that.
Good luck. Think it over very carefully. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): Get rid of the low life! My Ex-wife (total relationship of around 10 years) dumped me because I worked 72 hours a week to help feed us and the kids! Never done drugs, or really drank that much.
I say again, get rid of him and move on with a better life. Never let someone hold you back, when they can't be bothered to take care of themselves!
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