A
female
age
51-59,
*igger1969
writes:my partner and i have been together 4 years now. we dont live together as its been a very tough relationship and i have insecurity issues etc. he says he wants to and will when i become more secure etc.anyway ive just found out via his 16 yr old daughter that everytime he says he been taking her out for meal etc her mum..his ex...has been going too. i confronted him and he said reason he didnt tell me is cos he was afraid i would freak out etc. says its all innocent and just to help settle the child as she has few problems etc. says it never without the child and he only does it so they can talk to her together etc.i believe him when he says nothing seedy going on as he hardly talks to the ex or goes there.i still feel very uneasy about it all though.am i wrong to feel this way?also i must point out she calls quite often with personal problems etc....i dont know if i can live like this...with the thought of them having "family" outings etc
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): I am in the middle of a divorce. My ex and I have a young daughter and whilst neither he nor I want to ever be together again, we both want to put our little girl first, and feel it is important that we meet and have family outings every so often, so that our daughter can see that we are civil and adult, that we are friendly despite our marriage not working, that we agree on various decisions regarding her upbringing, and above all, that she can rely on both of us because she comes first.
He calls our daughter and me daily and we have friendly conversations. We absolutely never flirt nor do we dwell too much on the past, but are certainly more polite with each other now than when we were married and we were arguing on a regular basis. But I stress, we have NO wish to get back together.
He is dating but not one person in particular. I am genuinely happy for him and want him to find someone he can be happy with - he is a nice guy but it did not work between us - and maybe despite the failure of our marriage we are very lucky that we can still be friends.
There is a new special someone in my life but I'm taking things very slowly as I want to be well and truly divorced before anything happens! However, any new partner will have to understand this set-up, because whilst my daughter is young at least, it is important to me that this regular connection with both her father and mother is allowed to continue. I do not think this is an unreasonable request to make of a new partner, but I know it is my job to do enough to reassure any new partner that there is absolutely no relationship between my daughter's father and myself beyond this, and that I'm not holding a flame for him.
So please be strong, speak to him about this and try to understand his reasons. I absolutely get your feelings of paranoia and jealousy, but there is every chance that he is a well meaning man who genuinely only has his daughter's best interests at heart. Unfortunately if you were to disagree with him on this I do not think you would be able to stop him seeing them together. He may compromise in other ways, or may invite you to join them, which I think would be a good idea if you feel confident enough to do so at some point in the future. But please do not come between them - they had a relationship and they had a child, the relationship may be now over, but they will always be bound as the parents of their daughter, and they will resent any external party trying to make demands on them on this issue. Best of luck! x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): now that is now left ot say is this: dont make her out to be your enemy. they have a history together and it is bulldust that he wouldn't even speak to her if it wasn't for the daughter.......he takes them all out as a family. how the hell does he do this if he doesn't want to even talk to her. watch this man, he is enjoying the wifes good graces and somehow he has 2 women wanting him. he is lapping up this good family relationship and he is lying when he says it is over. it will never be over, they share a kid. full stop. maybe you should tag along to these dinner dates. what will he say to this. having an amicable relationship is one thing, going on 'family outings' without his partner is something else.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Sorry it's a son and not a daughter... yep, she will hate you if you try to break up her family, but if you reach out she will probably love to find space for you to join them. You make her dad happy and he loves you, that's probably reason enough for her to try to be friends and get to know you.
The ex-wife just cares about her child and will do anything to make her happy, and yes this will last until the day your guy dies.
Don't put yourself in the position of the jealous girlfriend, that's a horrible position to be in.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): She wants him back. He needs it explaining to him that he is giving her hope.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 August 2010):
I'm 40, my parents divorced when I was 12.. it was a very bad divorce, very bad indeed. But they put my happiness first, I like having 2 parents that can talk to each other and be friends. My parents are my family and I'm glad that they didn't think that at 16 I was too old to have a family. My parents have both had partners over the years, and their partners have been welcome to share our family space. My dad's girlfriends know my mother, and have no problem phoning her just to say hello.
I benefit the most, I'm proud to say my parents are divorced but are friends and live like brother and sister. Now my dad visits my mother every week (she's sick and on oxygen) He dosen't visit me at all. They phone each other every day, he never phones me...
Check it out.. they've been divorced for 28years, they could't stand each other when they were married, but now they provide help and support to each other.
Insecurity and jealousy will push your man away. My dad had only one girlfriend like that, and no matter what we did she still felt insecure. She didn't last long......
You probably didn't have a very good family background and thus can't understand why a couple can remain friends and yet not be in love. Because of their love for their child they want to remain on friendly terms. It might make you happy to know that his ex wife is out of his life, but I believe the son will be hurt and feel deserted.
Instead of trying to keep him for yourself, work on your insecurities and try to find your space in the family unit. After 4 years together, your as good a stepmum as that boy is gonna have. Instead of wanting to hide away, step up to the plate and try to become friends with his mother.
One day that 16year old is going to get married. You can stay at home, or go to the wedding and sit on your own. Or you can work on your insecurities right now. It's been 4year, that man wants you and you only, he could have gone back to his ex-wife if that is what he or she wanted.
Relax, you got him, he's yours to keep.. But I'd prefer you to be introduced as the father's loving girlfriend at the wedding, rather than there being an empty seat where you should have been.
Your letting your fears and your insecurities ruin your life. Aren't you sick and tired of being so scared and afraid? If he wants to leave you, then he will leave, worrying and being jealous won't make him stay, indeed it will only drive him away.
Instead of worrying about his ex wife, go to this web site and work on the issues that are holding you back in life.
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): I speak from experience. I would be concerned about her motive. She hasnt yet realized he's not in her future. No one keeps in touch with an en bloke unless they regret ending. The bloke is to blind to see what she is under. He thinks that as his feelings have died then hers have and its not so.
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reader, tigger1969 +, writes (23 August 2010):
tigger1969 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies.
to the person who mentioned paranoia....yes i am paranoid..about him leaving me etc. i was very hurt in a past relationship and find trust hard.
his ex does not have a partner....and i think its that that is really bothering me...she has got better with the non communicating over the 4 yrs but she still does it. i know its not his fault but i cant help feeling that these "family" outings are doing her no good..how can she move on and why would she want to when she still has her family....?
she has asked him to go back before and that worries me too.
he is adamant he feels nothing for her and says if it wasnt for the daughter he wouldnt even speak to her....i really want believe this..but then on the phone he is all nicey nicey and even says see u soon or talk soon....it worries the hell outta me!
also the child is 16....so not really a child at all. and im just wondering if it will ever come to an end.
i have to add these outings seem to be happening once every 4/6 weeks...isnt that too much??
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female
reader, tigger1969 +, writes (23 August 2010):
tigger1969 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies.
to the person who mentioned paranoia....yes i am paranoid..about him leaving me etc. i was very hurt in a past relationship and find trust hard.
his ex does not have a partner....and i think its that that is really bothering me...she has got better with the non communicating over the 4 yrs but she still does it. i know its not his fault but i cant help feeling that these "family" outings are doing her no good..how can she move on and why would she want to when she still has her family....?
she has asked him to go back before and that worries me too.
he is adamant he feels nothing for her and says if it wasnt for the daughter he wouldnt even speak to her....i really want believe this..but then on the phone he is all nicey nicey and even says see u soon or talk soon....it worries the hell outta me!
also the child is 16....so not really a child at all. and im just wondering if it will ever come to an end.
i have to add these outings seem to be happening once every 4/6 weeks...isnt that too much??
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female
reader, romany +, writes (23 August 2010):
 I think this is very admirable of both parents, I have a friend, who up until her ex emigrated across the other side of the world, went bowyling, cinema and out for meals weekly with her ex from the time they split up when their son was 7 till he was 13, and I can honestly say, the only thing it done for her relationship with her new bloke was strengthen it, as she became more aware every time she sat with her ex, that she made the right decision to leave him and how much she loved her new partner.
I can see how this would affect you, however, its only in your mind that its unsettling you, as you say yourself you trust him, So you need to get over it.
I would be more upset that she is calling with personal problems, and not with child related problems, as this says to me that she isn't independant of him when it comes to crisis, But that isn't your partners fault, that shouldn't affect you, if you trust him, and in honesty, i dont think you have any reason not to trust him. He sounds like he is very upstanding, and dedicated to those he loves, and even if he still loves his ex because she is the mother of his child, he is in love with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): Me personally. I wouldnt have a problem with it... But Im very secure that way. I can understand where your coming from completley. But if you feel deep down that its innocent I wouldnt discourage it. I think its great that they are working together for their child. So many parents fight constantly has a negative affect on the child.
If him and his ex are friends this is a good thing. especially as they have a child together. I am a huge believer in staying friends with exs where possible. Its sad to hate someone you once loved.
I would try not to worry too much about it... But Definatley express to your partner that you really dont like him not being open and honest with you. Explain that you would much preffer him to tell you these things. And again just try not to worry about the situation. Worrying and being paranoid is not going to help your self esteem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): Has he given you any reason to feel insecure in the past which has fuelled your attitude towards him?
I personally cannot see a problem here. 16 isn't that old; I think it's nice that the three of them can go out together; it's not always fun when you get to see your mum OR your dad but never both at the same time. And he has stated that they always go out together as a group.
To be honest your post does come across as insecure and I can understand why your partner hasn't mentioned anything about the ex. Maybe he should have said something at the beginning so that if you reacted so negatively the pair of you could have made a decision about your relationship earlier on. I think you need to be more mature about this and realise that as far as the ex goes, she is the mother of his child, and if the child needs them both there for her then so be it. They came first I'm afraid.
Basically you have a choice. You cannot stop these outings, and to be honest if your partner did stop them based on what you think I reckon he is being a pretty bad dad. You are not married or even living together as you note. The daughter's needs must come first. Either you live with it or you move on I think. You could try giving him an ultimatum but I think you might end up on the rough end of that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): just bec he is not with his ex, doesn't mean his parenting obligations dies as well. i am glad he is involved in his daughters life.
BUT
why take them for outings as a united family/ he cans till parent without playing happy homes with the ex. what is he trying to achieve? has his wife moved on? does she have a committed partner as well?
i am concerned that you both do not live together and why do you have insecurity issues with him? seems like he is calling the shots in your relationship. dig deeper. something is amiss. or maybe you and i are just paranoid.
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