A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend promised me if I continued the relationship he would stop smoking. Since then he has denied smoking when I have confronted him about smelling of smoke. I explained that I would not be cross if he had been smoking but I didn’t want him telling me lies and he got cross with me that I wasn’t believing him when he said he wasn’t smoking. Then I caught him at it when he didn’t expect me to and he said that he had been smoking the whole time and its not just that hes lied to me but i dont know whats been the truth and whats been lies and i feel like i cant trust him now. Please help I don’t know what to do Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey thanks very much everyone im now back with him and i really appreciate all the help and advice you gave xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2007): i am in the same type of situation as you. when i met my boyfriend, he said he gave up smoking weed, cigarettes, and drinking, and i believed him, then his parents sent him away to a troubled teens program of after a month and a half of us dating, well i waited for him to come back and i found out that he had lied to me about the smoking and drinking all along and he never told me, i found out from different sources, and this was after 6 or 7 months of waiting for him. I have my morals and values and i want to find a boyfriend that feels the same way about drinking and smoking as i do, i dont want to force somebody to stop. and i mean im only 17 and so is he... and he already has a baby, i know you're probably wondering why i even bothered in staying, it's because i cared for who he is and tried to block all the negativity out but the fact is, i cant do that anymore, i gotta find somebody different, we are on a break right now but i think ill tell him pretty soon we juat arent right for each other even though we have so much feelings for each other.
it's heartbeaking when you find out the one u care for lies to you, not only once but over and over. I can say that i cant trust him any longer and no matter how hard i try to trust him, it doesnt work, it's already broken and it cant be mended. i believe that you deserve a lot better, somebody with the same morals and values as you and somebody that you know you can trust, believe me there are a lot of fish in the sea. i know i can do way better, and so can you. i know it's an addiction they have but even though you want to try to help them so bad, fact is you cant, they need to do it for themselves, and if they lied to you once, whats gonna stop him from lying again? he needs to realize that you are probably way better for him and if he wants to keep you he needs to shape up his own ways for you and mainly for himself. I say keep your options open, you never know who might walk in your life one day. and i say either counseling or taking a break and seeing how the single life is for you, how much stress it takes out of your life u know. well i hope this advice helped you
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A
female
reader, Altesse  +, writes (19 March 2007):
To stop smoking.. That's tough. I stopped for 1/2 a year, but stated back up again. Maybe you could tell him to cut down. Then, tell him how bad they are for your health. write little notes, telling him you love him so much, you want him around forever, so stop smoking!
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (18 March 2007):
 This is a difficult one because my boyfriend of 10 years, who I love dearly smokes, much against my wish. The thing is that if he is going to stop smoking, it needs to be because he wants to, not because you want him to. If he gives it up for you, you will always be reminded of that when the subject comes up, whereas if he gives up for himself, I can assure you, you will be more intent on keeping away from the cigarettes because he knows how hard it was to stop in the first place rather than nagging you about you making him stop.I was lied to about stopping smoking by my boyfriend too. He stopped for 4 years, then one day he phoned me and I could hear him puffing on the phone. I was SOOOOOO angry that he hadnt told me he started smoking again, but I couldnt really be angry at him because when he stopped smoking for 4 years, I had asked him to stop and I had constantly heard about it. "You made me stop, that is why I have put on weight" etc etc. Dont give him something else to blame you for.
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female
reader, agony aunt j +, writes (18 March 2007):
 if he's managing to go for ages without smoking then he cant be addicted, even if he really is trying to give up. unless of course this is because you refuse to let him smoke when you're together. If its not possible for him to get hold of a ciggie then of course he wouldnt be smoking. but if not, then he's obviously just playing up to his mates. in this case, you should definately confront him about it. its wrong to do something you dont want to do to impress someone. its like being someone you're not. tell him you love him for him and his friends should too but if they only like him for smoking then they cant be breat friends. maybe they wouldn't even mind - maybe he just feels they want him to smoke but really they wouldn't mind a bit? Ask him to consider those things.
as for the lying, well i can understand how this has made you uneasy about trusting him, even with little things. perhaps explain this too. i believe the best way to resolve a problem is to talk about it. If he wont stop because he's really addicted, then help him! buy him some patches, etc, and like i said let him know you want to help. but if he's not willing to give up smoking because he's trying to impress his mates, he's just being stupid. You can ask him to stop, but you cant make him. its up to him to make the right decision.
good luck
:):)
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (18 March 2007):
 Then come to a compromise about it. If he's out with you then you'd prefer if he didn't smoke. If he's out with his mates and wants to smoke then that's up to him! You can't control a person and MAKE them do something, they've got to want to do it for themselves.
Eve
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A
female
reader, agony aunt j +, writes (18 March 2007):
i dont agree with him not giving up for you - he might be trying but it is hard for smokers. addiction is hard to beat, but let him know that you'll help him through it and help him quit. don'tmake him choose though, because sometimes if he's angry at you for asking him to choose he might choose the wrong thing. But tell him your reasons for wanting him to quit and explain to him that he has to atleast try and cut down as a start. dont be mad - stay calm about it.
hope things get better!
:):)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): It does not work by giving smokers an ultimatum "It's me or the cigarettes" because an addiction can be more powerful than the most perfect partner in the world. I would say that just because he lied to you about smoking does not mean that you can not trust him about other things.
He already wants to stop, he knows you hate it, he knows he smells bad. The best thing you can do is to not bring it up again. Just tell him that whenever he wants to try giving up that you will be there to encourage him - other than that, drop it.
Alternatively, if you feel you can't be with a smoker then don't be with him - either way, you can't really expect him to give up smoking for you, it won't happen. It's not a failing on your part, it is just how smokers are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt also feels like hes just done it to defy me because hes not addicted to cigarettes he just has the odd one when hes with his friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks very much for your replies. the only problem is he never ever smokes when hes with me he has gone months where we have been together 24/7 and not once felt the urge for a cigarette. its only when im away and hes with his friends. the thing that is bothering me most is the lying part aswell
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female
reader, AskChaz +, writes (18 March 2007):
 He is probably really addicted to the cigarettes and is not just ready to give up. Talk to him about it and give him some advice like that he should call up the smoking number so then he gets some idea about why he should and the consequences if he does'nt.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (18 March 2007):
Your boyfriend lied to you about the smoking issue as he didn't want to be belittled. Stopping smoking is a very difficult thing to do. He WANTS to stop so that's a good thing. Maybe you could help him out a little, buy him patches, or smokers chewing gum. Praise him when he hasn't smoked for a couple of hours and tell him you've noticed and you're proud of him. There will be times in the day when it's no problem for him then he gets an "urge" but this urge only lasts about 10 minutes then disappears again. Tell him to TELL YOU when the urge comes on him and you can kiss him or do something else to take his mind off it.
If you show you're there for him and are willing to help him through this rather than just get on at him and give him a hard time every time he fails then he's more likely to be successful!
Eve
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