A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together about 2 years now, at first we were having sex all the time whenever possible, as it usually is when youre with someone new. Now it has calmed down a bit and I am completely okay with that but he is not. Its like if I ever say I am tired and dont want sex suddenly I am 'not satisfying him sexually' and 'not giving him what he needs' and most of the time I then end up having sex with him because I dont want him to be mad at me. It feels like I am being pressured into having sex with him because I think he will leave me if I dont. Am i just being silly thinking i am being pressured by someone ive been with for ages or is this something i need to get out of quick? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Perspective Options +, writes (3 April 2018):
This is a really tricky one.
From his point of view, when you got together, he was (presumably) happy with the amount of sex and it's just dropped off. You were meeting each other's needs, and now you've stopped meeting his. He wants the relationship to get back to what he sees as normal. Back to the relationship he chose to get into.
That's how he sees it as having changed. How do you see it as having changed? Has his behaviour towards you changed such that you're less physically attracted to him? Is he in any way less attentive, less flirtatious, less loving and respectful? These sort of things can have a real impact on how much you desire sex with a partner. Are there other needs you have he may have stopped meeting? Have your needs outside of the context of the relationship changed? These things are rarely one-sided.
The other issue is how this imbalance is being addressed. If he gets funny literally every time you say you don't want to, then it may indicate he's thinking about it far more than he's bringing it up and it's really upsetting him. It may also indicate he's being a bit of an entitled jerk. Hard to know without talking about it honestly.
Ultimately, no, you absolutely shouldn't ever feel pressured to have sex with him if you don't want to. Nor should he ever feel pressured to stay in a relationship where his needs aren't being met.
I think it would be helpful to initiate an honest, open conversation about what you each need, and if there's anything stopping either of you from meeting them. If you want to stay together, you'll need to work together to each make sure you're both happy.
Best of luck.
A
male
reader, liddel  +, writes (31 March 2018):
As others have pointed out, you do not mention the frequency that he desires and the frequency you desire. It's my opinion that, in general, men desire sex more often. Is there a possibility of compromise here or is the relationship broken? That's for you and him to decide.As a female friend once told me about her and her husband, he has a stronger sex drive and, because she loves him, she accommodates that when it's practical. She might start the act in a "not being into it" mood but usually enjoys it and is glad they did. This happens not because she feels at all pressured but because she loves him and knows that once they get started, it will be great. Most problems in a relationship are not one sided. He resents you because his needs are not being met and you resent him because he desires sex more. Now anytime the subject of sex is even broached, it comes with a bucket of anxiety attached for both of you. Either you both compromise where you can be happy together, or end it. Beyond that, the advice from FatherlyAdvice was incredible and make sure you understand what he said. He was succinct and clear. Heed his words.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2018): I have the same problem with my boyfriend he pressures me every morning and night and its exhausting as sometimes I don't feel like it. He gets so angry about it and it just totally puts me off even more. I wish I had the answer as this is common problem but I don't anymore it makes me feel like giving up on men because they don't seem to care about how the woman feels
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 March 2018):
 OP asks, "is this something i need to get out of quick?"
This problem of mismatched drives comes up all the time. While I don't believe that any person is entitled to sex with any other person, it is also true that no person is required to stay in a relationship where their emotional needs are not met. If I was advising your Boyfriend I would advise him to leave the relationship immediately. To you the advice will be a bit different.
1) Learn about emotional needs. the book His needs her needs is pretty good.
2) Understand why your calmed down frequency is frustrating your partner.
3) Find a relationship where your needs are met, and you are willing to meet your partners needs. This can be the relationship you are in, but at this point it doesn't look good.
Wrap up. Overall your relationship is in the throes of death. He is unhappy and frustrated. You are unhappy and pressured. You question his motives. He questions your motives. I don't think you are in danger, I don't think he is a rapist. Should you get out? Well you are sexually incompatible, you don't want to adjust to match him, he doesn't want to adjust to match you. You will both be happier with someone else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 March 2018):
 I don't think you are being silly either.
Sex should NEVER feel like a chore, or like you OWE your partner to have sex whenever HE wants it.
I do want to ask how often was it in the beginning and for how long (EXAMPLE 7 times a week for the first 18 months and then once a month now..) Because I do think that the frequency matters. While a drop in how often it happens IS normal for most couple, going from bunnies to once in a blue moon is not.
Like WiseOwlE pointed out, how is the relationship otherwise? Are YOU fulfilled? IS the decrease in sex because you have felt the relationship became ALL about sex? Are you less horny? Are you more stressed at work/school? when you DO have sex is it good FOR you? There is NO bigger libido killer out there than BAD sex. Or you aren't getting enough foreplay to warm up and be in the mood. Women sometimes take a BIT more effort than guys to.
All those things matter.
I do think it also comes down to how MEN and how WOMEN view sex. He might feel that you care for him less or that you are less attracted to him with the drop.
And I think SOME men feel it's a "bait and switch" when a women goes from wanting a LOT of sex to not really wanting much.
Not having matching sexual needs is HARD. For you both. and while sex should NEVER be the focus of a relationship it is for many people important.
But you should NEVER have sex because he is pouting or demanding it. There can be times where you feel like just cuddling and watching a movie but he wants sex. It makes the balance uneven.
Boyfriend or not, NO means no.
Maybe what you two need to do is GET out of the house, do things together (that isn't sex) and go home separately. So basically "date-nights".
But what I think you REALLY need to do is think about why you think the sex has dropped. And what the TWO of you can do about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2018): No you are not being silly. Never feel pressured to have sex, because eventually it starts to feel you are being "forced to." That will have a very different impact on you psychologically. Sex isn't something you want to be forced into.
Is there a problem with any discomfort, or is it just the frequency of him wanting it? You sometimes fall out of sync and daily pressures or work will zap your energy!
You're pretty young, and women your age can usually keep-up with the demand. If your sex-drive has made a sudden decrease; it could be something physiological, or oncoming signs you're really not into him as much as you used to be.
How is the relationship overall? Is he kind and considerate? Does he show patience, handle his temper, and show you affection apart from having sex? If he is lacking in other areas of your relationship; you may start to lose enthusiasm for sex. If he doesn't show you respect, or ignores you until he wants sex; you don't feel mentally or physically receptive to him.
I know you don't like this advice; but you just have to insist that you're not in the mood. Let him pout. Just don't make it a regular habit of refusing sex. If you don't want it, you don't want it! He has to understand that!
You're a very young couple, and you started-out with a very active sex-life. Sex levels-off and plateaus in every relationship. Then there is an upswing back to normal; or something pretty close to where you used to be.
A sudden dramatic-drop to almost nothing; is a sign that there's a bigger problem than you just being tired, or not in the mood.
Surrender isn't the same-thing as compromise. They have a different physiological-effect. There's no power-struggle in compromise.
You have to sit-down and have a talk to work it out. He can't just make you feel guilty and pressure you to submit under demand. There's something that's just not right in that. You may need to also get a full physical-examination to make sure your health is okay; to be sure you're not having side-effects from birth-control pills or medication. If you've noticed your sex-drive just took a sudden dive.
You also have to look-back on the relationship to make sure you're not just going through the motions; and you're just not satisfied with where you are. Maybe you don't foresee it moving to the next level; or you've lost some hope in being with him for the long-run. If you don't seem to enjoy sex as much as you used to.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 March 2018):
 No, you are not being silly. You are being emotionally blackmailed into having sex when you don't want it.
Men and women tend to view sex differently. Men need sex to feel loved, while women need to feel loved to want sex. Can you show him affection without having sex, like cuddling? Or is that not a substitute in his eyes?
If he demands sex when you don't feel like giving it, and you keep giving in because you don't want to displease him, sex will soon turn into a chore. It should be something you both want, not something which is just to please HIM. You will end up resenting him.
You need to discuss this. If you can't reach some sort of compromise, then it does not bode well for the future. How is your relationship outside of the bedroom? Is there anything in it which would make you want to stay with him? Imagine yourself in the same situation in another 2 years, 5 years or more. Is it what you want? If not, then cut your losses and get out and find someone who respects you enough to take your feelings into account.
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