A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am sorry ..i know this is a forum where people only discuss about their love problems. I have been a part of this forum for a long time..My issue is related to my family so i decided to share it here only.I don't know whether i am allowed to do that or not ?My younger brother is 21 and i am 28. He has some major anger issues. Whenever i do something which angers him he start saying abusive things to me...even for a small matter. He say every nasty thing to me..he will get angry on any random issues.Sometimes he says nasty thing to my father also..he is cordial with my mother but he is very bossy around her. His behaviour is worst when it comes to me or my father..sometimes he humilates us on minor topics.Not even once i saw him apologising for anything..for every wrong thing in his life he blames other. Its been 10 years i am always the one who apologize to him because if i won't he won't even talk to me.He has huge ego. One time he got so angry that he was ready to beat the shit out of me..but my mom came in between. This was the first time..it was a blow on my self esteem..i din't talk to him after that day for 1.5 month..but not even once he showed any kind of regret. I love him too much so finally i decided to talk..to my surprise he said he is fine without talking to you ..because you are the one who is wrong, promise me that you will never do any thing which will make me this angry..because i am not going to change,because i am already good, I abuse because you force me to abuse. He is my baby brother..his words broke me. My love for him became weakness of mine.Three days back again he did the same with me and my sister but this time he didn't stop talking to her..he gave me the silent treatment. My sister has a very strong personality..he knew that she wiil never talk to him if he won't talk to her..but he takes me for granted . I don't know what to do..sometimes i feel like i should also do the same but than i think he is younger to me..i should be the mature one. I am from india ..we live in joint family, we all are earning but this our culture till the time we don't get married we never move out..so i don't know how to change his behavior toward me. I want him to respect me. I want him to stop abusing me whenever he gets angry. For him abusive words are normal things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2018): It seems being the only son with two sisters; he got spoiled because he's a boy. It went to his head.
Not sure why your father takes abuse and disrespect from a son living under his roof?
Your father has set no boundaries or rules on his son; therefore, he allows for this abuse and physical-threats to be levied at you and your sister. Your father has failed all of you. Your brother has assumed the role as head of household. The family are his victims.
It is your dad's responsibility to maintain order in his home, and to protect you and your sister from "home-grown" violence. Even if it means kicking your brother out.
If he doesn't, he just might find himself a victim of violence. Or worse, you or your sister may be physically harmed; because your brother lost control of his temper. Then it must become a police matter. Forget your father's apparent lack of authority in his own home! You must find protection where you can. Your brother may suffer more than a big ego, he may also be mentally-ill.
If you have a very passive nature and you are a timid person; your brother's narcissistic tendencies will only choose you as a ready target. You have to learn to not let his silence get to you. If you can't, you'll just have to lie victim to his abuse. Either standup to the bullying; or lie-down and let him kick you like a cowering dog.
The silent-treatment is passive-aggressive behavior that plays on the mind and sensitivities. He has learned over the years you can't stand being ignored. Especially when He does it! He tortures you for the least little thing. That is because you take him so seriously, and take him as an authority-figure. You seem to feel anything he does or says has some authority or merit; and you give him ultimate power over your feelings. Not only does he have a problem, you do to.
You're far too passive. You don't stand-up to the abuse, so it will continue. It will also become increasingly worse. He is drunk with power. He sees no boundaries or limits. You may need to seek counseling for the trauma; or you'll end-up hospitalized for physical-injury, or mental-anguish attributed to psychological-abuse.
Perhaps it runs free and continuous in your household; but it is not entirely true that Indian-culture requires you to remain in your house until you're married. It is also part of the your culture that your father is in-charge of his home, and what happens in it.
You are left very little choice but to turn to your religious leader-ship to intercede on your family dysfunction. Your father is afraid of his own son. He has left you, your sister, and your mother vulnerable to physical attack. Have you no uncles or male cousins to come to your aid? I think your younger-sister will deal with this much better. She won't take his nonsense.
In modern-culture, you have more of a choice. You've already come to the conclusion your brother is almighty; and he can do anything he wants. He can even control your feelings at the drop of hat. You provide him a never-ending source of narcissistic-supply.
The only remedy to stop abuse is to stand-up to it, or to leave the place that it occurs.
If you feel physically-threatened, you may need to call the police. If you have a ready-made excuse for all advice given to you because of your fear. You can only remain where you are and suffer. You've resigned to the notion your brother is unstoppable. That's exactly what a narcissist wants you to believe.
Google how to deal with a narcissist; and it may give you some tips.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA little update whenever some fight occurs..instead of saying sorry he will completely ignores me. He will act like i am invisible in the house. Like i said..he didn't talk to me for 1.5 month in last fight..it was me who went to him and apologised after that only he started the conversation. This time also he is doing the same..he will not eat anything which i cook..he is not even saying a single word to me.He didn't even wish me birthday..its like he can't see me.When i try to talk to him he runs away from there..he leave the dining room as soon i come there. Its like a mental torture for me. How am i supposed to behave normal when one of my family member is ignoring me so badly. My mom talked to him thousands of time...all he has to say is..i am not going to stop my abusive words if she don't want to hear than she should change herself..if she can not handle it than stop talking to me.Why would i abuse you, if you won't even talk to me. I never saw him saying sorry to anyone..In Fact he blames others for his own fault. My sister is saying you won't die if he doesn't talk to you...don't be so desperate if he is ignoring you..you do the same..let him taste his own medicine. But i know for sure..if i'll do the same he will never going to utter a single word to me even months pass by...he has huge ego. He never want to be the first one to take initiative.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 March 2018):
 His demands that you stop FORCING him to abuse you are stereotypical of abusers. They will always try to put the blame on the victim and make it look like they pushed them into abusing them. This is NEVER the case. The abuser always has a choice - to abuse or not to abuse. Your brother is basically a bad tempered bully. I am surprised your parents allows this behaviour in their house.
As he seems to respect your mother, can she mediate between you and explain to him how wrong his behaviour is? NOBDOY should abuse you. He is NOT a good person if he abuses you. Can you get your sister on side to help you stand up to him?
Is he religious? Could you perhaps have a word with his religious leader, or would you feel that was too far?
As you have already noticed, bullies tend to pick on victims who they see as "weak". He treats your sister differently because she is stronger and will not put up with his behaviour. In your shoes I would either make a point of ignoring his bad behaviour and removing myself from the room/house when he starts, or look him in the face and say "Stop that, NOW. You have no right to speak to me like that, and you definitely have no right to lay a finger on me."
Please keep yourself safe. I pity his future wife. If/when he gets married, please remember what he was like with you and try to look out for his wife as it is almost certain she will be being treated in the same way.
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