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anonymous
writes:We had a big snow storm today. After work my car was frozen shut. I called my husband who drives a 4WHD truck to come pick me up. While waiting my boss poured some rubbing alcohol on the door jam and viola it opened. I called my husband but he had already left to come get me and didn't have his cell phone. When he arrived I explained. He gave me the 4WHD and he took my car home. He was driving behind me, which made me feel much safer but suddenly halfway there he peeled out around me and took off leaving me to drive home without him behind me. Thank God no one slid into me, since my cell was in the car he was driving and luckily I arrived home without incident but I told him I didn't understand why he left me. His excuse? He got sick of driving slow so he took off. I told him I felt safer when he was driving behind me, kind of like "he had my back" on the drive home. He got all pissy and said "You're a big girl, and you made it home just fine!" Well thank God but obviously I was disappointed. I guess I'm just old fashioned and I thought he'd want to continue to drive behind his wife, to make sure she was safe. Am I being retarded about this? I feel like he totally missed the boat on the whole chivarly thing.
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (19 December 2011):
OP your most recent follow-up is very illuminating. In the light of this I think my advice may have been off course. I think if you had told us about the amount of stuff you have do to, or choose to do, compared to what your husband does, then people might have given you different answers. It is very difficult when people don't have a full picture to go on.
I too would be majorly hacked off if I did all the household chores before work while my OH sat surfing the web. Occasionally this sort of thing used to happen after work, until I got so annoyed that I had to mention something.
Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel about this situation? Because when I spoke to my OH he hadn't actually twigged that there was anything wrong. He simply said that all I had to do was ask, but as I had been taking it upon myself to do everything he assumed there was no problem.
I sometimes get annoyed at having to ask rather than him simply doing things, as I do, when they need doing as opposed to as the result of a request. But, I think this is just the way things are, and it works ok. I also feel that my OH often doesn't realise the amount of stuff that I do, and assumes that it isn't all that much, and hence I don't need much help. This is largely in relation to laundry and housework, as well as grocery shopping sometimes. This changed when I suggested we write out a list of weekly/daily jobs which need doing, and it was quite an eye opener for him. Have you thought about doing some thing like that?
I started developing a bit of a tit-for-tat attitude when he was doing very little and I was doing everything, but I realised that it was a destructive way to approach things which wouldn't solve anything. I would really urge you to talk to him about this if you haven't already.
How does that sound?
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reader, Miamine +, writes (19 December 2011):
 "Personally, if you have too little time in the morning to get your things together, you need to wake up earlier" (chigirl)Yep, totally agree... why are you cooking him breakfast if your late and you resent it so much, why not just get something for yourself? Why not leave him to feed the animals when your gone? Why do you have to feed them at breakfast time? Why do you expect him to work before you get up? Maybe it's his "me" time, and that's the way he's always lived. Maybe as two grown adults, you should be able to get yourself ready for work by yourself.You have your way of living, you have your mind set on a certain type of way to behave. You marry a man, and you expect him to fit into the slots you have created for him. But he's not a kid, he's a grown man who has his own habits, he lived a long time without you telling him what to do and how to behave.Now don't get me wrong, he might be inconsiderate and lazy, and you might be trying to show him how to become a proper gentleman. But the thing is, you can't really train adults, you can train children and you can train dogs, but adults are usually fully grown and stuck in their habits. You should have sorted this out before you married a guy who is so different from what you expect in a man.For the record, yep, when I lived with my parents or stay with friends we usually help each other in the mornings. But my ex was totally different. I could never get up earlier than me, he hated me trying to help him get ready for work. He would make me coffee and breakfast, but hated me to try to fix him food, he said it spoiled his schedule and he had a certain rhythm in the morning. Point is, people are all different, and what is normal to you, sounds pushy, childish and selfish to others. Same goes for what is normal for him, sounds lazy to other people.I can hear the resentment in your post... sorry for that.. but I don't think this guy is going to change in the way you want him to. For that he'd need a brain transplant, he'd have to have your brain and think like you. He can't he can only think like him, and even if he improves, it will never be enough for you. He's not the type of perfect man that you wanted to marry and thus you'll always be angry and resentful with him, and he will always let you down.Only bit of helpful advice I got, is if you are going to try to train a man, then make a big fuss of the times when he gets it right, give him lots of praise and compliments when he does something nice, and downplay the many, many times he disappoints you and gets it wrong. Praise changes behaviour much more deeply and a more healthy way than criticism, anger, nagging, shame, bullying and the silent treatment. Give him a reason to want to improve, or it won't be a habit that he wants to take ownership of.
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 OH OP your followup tells me so much more now than the original post…
You are ANGRY with him in general for not stepping up at home….
I’m sorry you lost your first husband and the second one is not filling the shoes he left as well as you would like. I understand that… and NO ONE can replace him.
Remember every relationship is different and while your friends may not have YOUR exact problems no relationship is perfect and they probably have things they don’t talk about that bug them.
You say “he has plenty of time to assist me but he doesn’t”. I’m sorry. Since you have already said you have told him you would like his help and he still refuses I am at a loss as to how I can help you other than to help you accept that this is where this man is in his life with you.
I don’t think you are needy or pathetic… I hear now your frustration at so many things and this one incident was clearly the straw that broke the camel’s back.
If I was in a dress and heels, my man KNOWS he does all the “heavy lifting”…. And NO I do not do tires…. EVER… so I am impressed that you could actually on your own property inflate a tire….
IF you are doing the rowing in this relationship boat and you want it to change you are going to have to stop rowing for a bit….
DO NOT cook his breakfast or dinner. DO NOT make his coffee… start the car before you start coffee and breakfast so that the ice melts off the windows by itself. IF HE complains about that… tell him he has two options STFU or scrape the windows for you.
And to be honest you can’t TRAIN a grown man. HE is what he is. IF you cannot love him and accept him WHERE he is you are doomed to be unhappy. You have to love and accept a person WHERE they are not where you hope they will be or can be. YOU can’t love a person’s potential; you can only love them where they are and if they improve then it’s a BONUS…
As for knowing that a man is lazy… oh hell yes I Know how lazy a man can be I’m going to divorce court on January 6th with such a lazy man….. he lazed himself right out of his marriage.
Being independent as a woman is not about having a lazy partner... my current partner is NOT lazy... he cooks, he holds the door for me, he helps me up out of my chair, he takes the trash out... and if I ask for something he complies or we discuss why he can't/won't comply and come up with a compromise...
OP, I wish you a lot of peace with this... I hope you can find a way to reconcile yourself to your husband's personality.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Personally, if you have too little time in the morning to get your things together, you need to wake up earlier. It's not your husbands responsibility that you get yourself out the door on time. If you're running late one day it'd be nice of him to help out, but like others said, he's your partner not your slave. He isn't obliged to scrape your car windows in the morning just because you like to sleep longer. You sleeping longer is your choice.
I think it is NICE if a man does things for me. I appreciate it. But that's the difference between me and you. I appreciate it when a man goes out of the way for me and does the extra's. You on the other hand EXPECT it and get upset when he doesn't. So you're used to being pampered, but this man isn't your former husband, or your daddy, and if you have higher expectations you need to vocalize them, not expect that he will automatically know by himself what to do. How on earth would he automatically know, just like that? So your dad did this or that, and your former husband did this and that, but how is your new husband supposed to KNOW these things? You got to tell him what you want him to do, he's not some "failure" just because he can't read your mind, or it doesn't come "naturally" to him. None of this chivalry or "taking care of his girl" stuff comes naturally to ANY man. They are things that are taught that way, typically something they learn when growing up. If he hasn't grown up in an environment where ladies are treated like they are made out of glass, well then how can you expect him to naturally know that's how you like to be treated.
I also wonder why this didn't come up while you were dating. It shouldn't come as a surprise to you that your husband is the way he is, and when marrying him you agreed to take him as your husband "as is", not "only if he changes".
Speak your mind and tell him what you would like/expect.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 December 2011):
 I honestly think you are making a bigger deal out of this then you need too, but again, that might just be the difference in personalities.
My husband is a soldier and have deployed 3 times (in the last 7 1/2 years), which mean that while he is gone overseas, being shot at, people trying to blow him up and whatever else, I'm the ONLY adult in the household and therefore the one who does everything. So I'm USED to juggling a lot. It doesn't mean I have a lazy or unchivalrous husband.
If you have certain expectation of YOUR man, tell him. Talk with him (not AT him) No man (or woman) is a mind reader and your current husband is not your former husband either, so there will be some things he does or doesn't do. As for your mornings - why not make a schedule - he feeds the fish, the dog the cat and start a pot of coffee and you make breakfast (or vise versa)
And I don't think it has anything to do with women's lib. that some women just do it for themselves. After all, when you do it yourself you know it's done right - every time .
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Uhm, I guess it's a matter of personalities.
Personally, I'd feel irritated and unnerved by having my partner hovering behind me all the way as he was escorting a funeral. And I think he has been chivalrous enough to not chew you off when he found out that you had made him drive in a snowstorm for a small problem that you could have solved by yourself with a little ingenuity ( as you actually did ). He was inconvenienced for nothing and took it as a good sport- that's plenty chivalrous :).
Some friends and family 's nickname for me is "the Dutchess" ( so, a sort of uber-princess, lol ) and that should tell you that I am not the do-it-all, hard working ,self sacrifying type. Oh no. I DO like my comfort and convenience,and I don't like to ruin my manicure. BUT I am proud of being a resourceful, capable,self reliant individual that can solve my problems by myself - or,if I must, hiring specifically trained people- without always needing to turn to partners or male relatives for help and assistence. I am not a staunch feminist and if a man wants to send me flowers or invite me out for dinner he's more than welcome, but , thanks God, I can drive my own car ( or call a cab ! ), file my own tax report, book my own travel arrangements , see my doctor or dentist unaccompanied, take out my own thrash etc.etc. and I LIKE it.
OP, not everybody has the damsel in distress vocation, not only, but, believe it or not, not all women ENJOY having the knight in shining armour always ready to intervene ( and interfere ).
You see it differently and that's your prerogative, but please don't think that what works for you should be mandatory for every woman.
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reader, Basschick +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Well put! And we totally understand your frustration...well some of us do anyhow. Trust me you're not needy or pathetic. So don't worry. Just hang in there and keep telling him what you'd like him to do. God knows, men don't hesitate to tell us when we fall short! I think your requests are reasonable, and you know? Most of my friend's husbands do those things for them without being asked so I totally get where you're coming from and why it doesn't make sense that he doesn't seem to lift a finger. Hang in there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to follow up with all of you who took the time to post an answer. 1) Yes, former husband is deceased. (Thank you Lovegirl for your comments.) 2) I polled my friends after-the-post and frankly I really didn't want to bring them into it, because I already suspected none of them were having this problem. 3) Yes he gets up before me (usually around 5:00 AM) and he does not have to be at work until 9:00 whereas I have to leave the house at 7:45 so yes he has plenty of time to assist me but doesn't. 4) I have told him repeatedly how much it would help me out for him to scrape my windows in the morning and save me the time. And when my tire was low and I was wearing nice clothes and heels, would it have killed him to drag out the air tank and air up my tire, given that he was already wearing grubby clothes that day? But no, he made a federal case, so I did it myself. 5) I think a certain amount of women's lib is crap and most women, given the chance to have a guy do a few things for them, would not turn it down. 6) There is not as much give-and-take in my relationship as some of you have described so it's understandable why you'd think I was needy and pathetic. I do more of the work in this relationship and sometimes it gets a bit exhausting especially when he's just sittng at the kitchen table surfing the web and I am trying frantically to get myself out the door in time to get to work, after feeding te dog, the fish, and the cat; cooking breakfast for both of us, making the coffee, showering, dressing, and then scraping the ice off my own windows while he does nothing to help. The other things I mentioned, are just additional aggravations in my journey to train this partcular man to stop thinking only of himself and to be more helpful to me when I need it. Obviously it never occured to some of you that some men are more lazy than others and it's so easy to hide behind the whole, independent woman thing just so you don't have to lift a finger. So you can all think what you want, but I think it's the right thing to do.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 December 2011):
A couple of things
1. Lovegirl it's POSSIBLE that the FIRST HUSBAND is NOT an EX but is a DECEASED husband? (she did not refer to him as EX) so let's give her the benefit of the doubt there
2. I guess I'm too modern at 51 I actually started both cars this morning (granted I could start the new car from the house with the remote starter) for us as I was the first one up, dressed and downstairs. I've been known to scrape a window or two in my day or shovel snow as needed as well.
3. Of course he did cook dinner for us the other night (he asked if he could cook for me as he likes to do that) does that NOT count as chivalry?
OP, I'm so sorry you can't feel validated by your online peers. To be honest I don’t NEED my man around. He does not WANT a needy woman to be honest. He wants A PARTNER. An EQUAL. And I want the same thing. A PARTNER an EQUAL… a PEER. I am not his little Barbie doll to dress up and parade around and show off… I am a human being and I have skills and I am quite self-sufficient. When we moved in together, he gave up doing laundry and I gave up doing trash. I do not expect him to read my mind nor do I expect him to coddle me except when I ask him. For example I sent him an email as he is 90 miles away in his office today and will be home, late and tired… and yet I had such a crummy day at work (making 25k more than him to help support our home) that I know I will need love and care and tenderness tonight.. but he’s not a mind reader so without being told how would he know?
You expect him to be all powerful and take care of you, and yet you fail to give him the tools to do so.
I hope and pray for you that he does not start feeling like he made a huge mistake taking on a woman that is able to work and drive but NOT express her needs and desires.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): OP if your EX HUSBAND was soooooooooo damn good then why is he your EX?
Just asking.......
there is more to this marriage problems than just the chivalry debate.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): i know Im late with my response:BUT i have follwed this interesting debacle
OP, its a wonder your hb has not left you. I CANNOT Believe what your thought process. I am just sooooo glad that my HUSBAND is not a mind reader. THEREFORE MY marriage works: OPEN COMMUNICATION. and RESPECT!!!!!!!!!!!
OP if you continue in this vain i truly pity you.
LoveGirl
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2011):
Cerberus I think you are spot on, but I do think that OP assumes her man is, on top of all his "husbandly duties", a superb mindreader.
I can't imagine why any woman would want to be so dependant on a man (or partner) that she can't think or do for herself. I don't NEED for my husband to do everything for me, that is not why I married him.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (9 December 2011):
I'm just confused about why you posted here. You already asked your women friends and they all agreed with your position. (or you ignored the ones who had a different opinion) The aunts on DC have been kind enough to share their views with you, and again, you ignore the ones that disagree, and only accept opinions from people that agree with you. How many people are you gonna talk to, before you believe that you are right? Or is the problem that you know no matter how much you try to ignore us/him/other views, your husband may have a point.Guess that's kind of how it goes in your marriage too. You are always right, your husband is always wrong. You think what you think, and nobody can tell you different.Be careful, lots of resentments build up when only one person gets to take charge, and only one persons views count. It's from little arguments like this, that a marriage can break down and divorce starts to seem an attractive thing to do.Relationship counselling suggests, a good question to ask yourself is, "Do you want to be right all the time, or do you want to be happy."PS: Wow, you bought eggs for him... if he wasn't there would you stop shopping and starve?
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reader, Battista +, writes (9 December 2011):
OP I think a lot of women will disagree with your point of view. I myself disagree profoundly. I wouldn't expect my husband to go and defrost my windows, just as I don't expect to have to do all the cooking/cleaning/shopping/childcare, simply because those are traditionally a woman's role. My dad also took good care me and my sister, and my mum, but he also taught me and my siblings to be independent and to be able to stand our my own two feet regardless of gender. I personally hate the feeling of having to rely or depend on someone else to have to do things for me; if I really need help I am happy to ask but otherwise I don't see why someone else should have to watch out for me, and nor would I want to. Moreover, this thing about being able to do various traditional "manly" jobs around the house leading to sex being the only thing a man can offer is nonsense. I LIKE to be capable of doing all those things. It doesn't mean my husband is nothing but a sex toy for me. We both have demanding jobs which mean that we both have to be able to do stuff around the house in case the other one is away. I have done quite a bit of travel for work and pleasure, and being able to do all these things has been a necessity. Now just because I'm married doesn't mean I expect my other half to do all those rubbish jobs "because I'm a woman" and shouldn't have to. True, I do hate defrosting windows, but I wouldn't expect someone else to have to do it for me. I agree that it would be nice if someone did, but I don't EXPECT it.
Maybe your husband has underestimated how independent you like or don't like to be. I'm sure it wasn't deliberate. You need to sit him down and tell him what you are looking for in a man. If your expectations don't match then you are destined to experience problems in the future. Better to get them sorted out now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): I guess we come from a different era then OP. You see because in my time we guys have more uses than just manual labour and sex to a woman. I see you missed the whole feminism thing that has been happening over the past 50 years. Or perhaps you think women should have all the power and control in the relationship at the expense of the man.
You see the way you view guys is not as a partner but a slave, as long as they have use to you then you will keep them. Of course we scrape the windows when they're frozen we do need to see when we're driving and if the girlfriends car is there too then why not do that one at the same time? I'm lucky enough to have a girlfriend that sees me as an equal partner not just a cock (which can easily be replaced by a vibrator, it sounds like he means very little to you OP) that will do the dirty jobs. If she gets up before me she will defrost the windows, cook the breakfast, put the laundry on, feed the dogs, clean out the kennel and let me have a lie in. Just the same as I do if I get up early.
You see we have a partnership, not a master/slave relationship where I'm only kept because I'm useful.
Now to be helpful to your particular situation you need to discuss all your needs and wants with your husband, so he has no mistake in what expect of him. You see because I personally think you sound very demanding and needy. You don't sound like a wife you sound like a chore, who won't communicate her needs yet still expects them to be met. Of course we will do our best to protect you but part of protecting my partner is giving her freedom and independence and her own sense of strength and not taking that away from her by doing everything for her.
My girlfriend would even get pissed off if I acted the way you expect guys to act because she's not useless and doesn't want to be treated like she is. She's not a baby that needs to be molly-coddled. She is a strong, caring woman, who can do all the dirty jobs herself if needs be, she will do her utmost to protect me too because she actually cares and she respects me enough not to presume I'm a mind reader that can completely fill the shoes of her father when I'm a different man. In essence she has enough respect to actually communicate with me and let me know when I've done something wrong, let me know when she would like me to do something and she has over the years had to compromise with some of her expectations because no man can ever fit 100% perfectly into any woman's idea of the ideal man. We'e just not perfect creatures.
What I love most about her though is she never sweats or punishes me for things like you're discussing now. He didn't drive all the way home behind you and wrap you up in cotton wool? Give me a break there are far more important things in life and because of this one little thing you're going around polling other women, comparing him negatively to your father, calling him more worthless than a vibrator and essentially saying that you're only with him as long as he does these jobs for you, that he has no deeper use to you, no love, no bond, nothing. To you he's just an object.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood job carebear you're a smart, logical woman. You see I came from a Dad that took care of his girls. My first husband was the same way. I came to somehow think that when a man loves you he just naturally does his best to make you feel protected even if you can handle things yourself. Why would you always want to? Pretty soon you don't need a man around if you're capable of fixing your kitchen sink, scraping your own frosty windows, airing up your own tires, changing your own oil, taking out the trash, mowing your own lawn. Pretty soon, sex is the only thing they can provide you with and they have vibrators for that. No indeed I like it when the man takes the lead and makes me feel loved and protected when necessary. I shouldn't have to spell it out. My Dad just instinctively knew this is what a man does. My first husband just knew and just did things without being asked or begged. So I'm puzzled when my current man is so uncaring or incapable of knowing how a woman wants to be treated. And FYI I've polled a good number of women, and learned most men just go out and scrape the windows when they're frozen. Most all would never bail out when following their wife home, even if she didn't ask him to stay put. (I actually have to do that? When it was already implied that he was planning to?) Anyhow, thanks again carebear and Basschick.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2011):
He got in his car and drove to get you in a snow storm and let you drive the SAFER vehicle home and you think he missed the whole Chivalry thing?
Has this ever happened before? Have you told him how you feel? Did you expect him to read your mind.
My man would have done the same thing… he has no patience for how I drive. However, had I not been where he expected me in a reasonable amount of time he would have come looking for me.
And I’m betting had you NOT been home in a reasonable amount of time he would have come looking for you….
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reader, carebare  +, writes (6 December 2011):
I'm just going to add my 2 cents here. I mostly agree with Basschick. If I were the OP I'd be kind of upset that he took off but only because of how things went down. If my huband had given me the 4WD and then said, "Look honey, are you good with driving alone? I'm just going to drive ahead" that would have been totally alright. However, if he was following behind me, making me feel safe and then suddenly took off, I can see why you'd be left with a sense of abandonment in a moment you felt you needed him around. And his attitude when you voiced your concern doesn't help.Yes, I would say he lacks chivalry in this particular situation. So he showed up and gave you his car. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think he's doing you a huge favour. You two are married. You're a team and should WANT to do things like this for each other with a good attitude because you care.He could have handled it better when OP told him why she was upset, instead of getting defensive even if what he said was true. OP wants him around because she loves him and feels safe with him and wants to feel cared for by him which is not something to get upset about.In the future, just try to communicate better. Tell him what you want. Chivalry is not something a man is born with but luckily it's never too late to learn.Best.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (6 December 2011):
Oh joy, lets make it into a tit for tat game, that'll solve your problems. Two wrongs doesn't make a right. Who ever said the chivalry bit was to follow after a woman in a snow storm. It used to be opening doors and pulling out chairs, if you want it to extend to him reading your mind and doing everything you think would be nice of him to do then you're going too far and expecting way too much. He could have just left you to sort out your own car-problems, but he came to aid you, and as a thank you you get angry with him. No-one wins!
"Don't bother help me ever again unless you can do it exactly right! Doing 70 percent right just isn't enough, so unless you can read my mind and know exactly what I want you to do don't bother!", that's the message you're sending out, and next time you are in trouble he'll leave you to fend for yourself as you get all fired up unless he does it EXACTLY your way. He'll stop being nice. Because when he gives you his little finger you start demanding the entire arm. People learn from their mistakes, and if this is how you treat him he wont be following you in snow storms because he loves you, he'll do it because he's scared of you getting angry with him, or if he has a backbone he'll just stop helping you all-together with this attitude of yours. Where's your grace? Where's the "thank you"?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): What I don't get is when we're supposed to be chivalrous and when we're supposed to respect that a woman is perfectly capable of doing things for herself because they're strong and independent.
Perhaps you girls could actually give us some rules to follow on this because it seems we can't win most of the time. If we do something chivalrous then we're told that we're demeaning a woman's ability to do things for herself. If we let a girl off to do her own thing then we're inconsiderate assholes that don't know how to treat a woman.
Luckily for me I have a girlfriend who is head strong and independent and is equally as chivalrous to me as I am to her. She will pay for meals, drinks and even hold the door open for me too. Our pipes burst the other day and when I got home she was there laying in pool of water under the sink with a wrench in her hand trying to fix it. It's okay that she kind of made the problem worse because I'd rather be with a woman who is not solely dependent on me to bail her out but knows that I will in a heartbeat and she would never blame me for not thinking of things she knows I would gladly do if I was asked and there is almost nothing I wouldn't do for her. If you can say the same about your husband then you have no reason to complain.
In my opinion OP your husband did his duty and came to your aid are you really going to get into a petty argument because you don't feel it was enough?
It's not his fault you didn't have your phone, he gave the bigger safer car so in reality it is him that needed looking out for because his car was actually the least safe.
As I said if you told him before you set off that wanted him to stick close to you while you drove home would he have done that? If the answer is yes then this is all just a matter of poor communication. A set of events that happened that neither of you are at fault for. You got home safe too. If you know for a fact that if prompted he would have stayed then you can't fault him for thinking you were fine to drive home alone, you were fine driving out of your house on your own without his help then there is no reason he could assume you wouldn't be fine on the way back.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2011):
I think your husband's armor is still pretty darn shiny from where I sit :)
If you wanted him to drive behind you the whole way, you should have told him.
Be glad to know that he has faith in you and your abilities.
Put on them big girl panties!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Basschick your answer is the only one that made sense! And what a great idea! Afterall let's do a count about this:
-I went to the store on my day off and spent my time shopping for food.
-I bought the eggs and paid for them with my money.
-Okay he probably "expects" me to cook them but he's not a toddler, he knows where the pans are.
You totally got it!! :-0) Thanks for your input.
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female
reader, Basschick +, writes (6 December 2011):
When men and women come together they both bring certain expectations into the relationship as well. For instance, men tend to expect that a woman will do the laundry, cook all the meals and keep the house clean. If you don't live up to those expectations, he will certainly let you know what a lazy slob you are. On the other hand women tend to think men will handle the manly things, like mowing the grass, changing the oil in their cars, airing up the tires if they're low and driving behind us in ice storms even if it means he has to drive really, really slow. I do think he was being a bit of an impatient ass. It's like he was willing to do a few things but his heart clearly wasn't into the whole chivlary thing. You just need to tell him and keep telling him how you feel so you both understand what the expectations are. Either that or the next time he asks you to make him eggs in the morning, tell him he's a big boy and he can make his own eggs.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 December 2011):
Lets do a count and see if this thing is worth fighting for, or if you should be happy with what you got and not let a minor imperfection on the "knight in shining armor" ruin the fact that he saved the princess.
-You called and he came to your aid
-He gave you the larger car
-He drove behind you for a while and thus made sure you were on the road ok
-He didn't follow you the ENTIRE way home because you're not a toddler who needs her hand held
He's still your knight in shining armor, the only problem is I think you got too used to him pampering you that you expect more and more. Why should he need to drive you all the way home? You had the bigger and better car, if anything was to happen it'd happen to him, you are an adult after all and capable of driving just as well as he is. Instead of saying "thank heavens I made it home" you should be saying "thank heavens HE made it home, you made mer nervous when you left in case something would have happened to you, and you wouldn't have been able to reach me since I didn't have the phone with me".
Big girls can stand on their own two feet, now be a big girl. Sure it's nice to be taken care of, but do you REALLY need it all the time? No.
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I was going to beat your hubby up until I saw the first answer. Which was pretty right on. Your husband gave you the big deal machine that was presumably more capable of dealing with the bad roads, so he'd already done something chivalrous. I don't know what you were driving, but I'll assume that it was smaller and tougher to deal with on bad roads. Sometimes you just have to go for it in a small car to avoid getting stuck, where the 4WD you were driving afforded the luxury of being more careful. So he was getting a small car through bad roads and getting it home, when staying with you might have made that impossible.
Frankly, he was giving you a vote of confidence by giving you his vehicle. And let's not overlook the fact that he showed up when you called. So yes, in this case you're being retarded by making an issue of this. He deserves a big hug.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): If you didn't specifically ask him beforehand to drive behind you on the way home because it would make you feel safer, then I don't understand what the problem is. Men are not mind readers, nobody is. I am pretty old fashioned myself, but still it seems a bit strange to me. If you asked him to and then he drove off I could understand better, because then you would have a reason to be upset, but if you didn't ask him how was he to know that you wanted him to drive behind you. I don't think this is exactly a lack of Chivalry, as much as a lack of communication. If your car had opened straight away you would have driven home without him behind you anyway, so what is the issue. Next time you are in a situation where you want your husband to drive behind you so you feel safer, just ask him. Good Luck.
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