A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is low self esteem a big turn off? I don't mean like to the point where you feel like hiding in the basement is all you're worth. I mean, not accepting compliments easily because you think their false. This goes in with my question. I DO NOT have very high self confidence in myself, but it's less to do with looks and more to do with my image of a good personality. Bear with me for a moment, I'll try to explain. I've had a lot of messed up stuff happen to me and as could be expected it has left it's mark. My problem is, it's caused my personality to become warped. I'm more likely to think a guy is lying to me, to believe all he want's is sex straight off. I really do want the whole happy ending through a long term relationship, but is it too much to ask of a guy to put up with my distrustfulness and help me work through to a normal relationship one day at a time? Am I doomed to push every guy away because I can't "fix" myself?Any advice would be amazing, and if you have nothing to say, i thank you for just reading this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): You sound pretty normal to me OP. Distrust and lack of confidence believe it or not something most of us suffer at some point in our lives.
OP two things you have to remember:
1. As long as you can give a guy a chance to prove to you he can be trusted then there's no reason you shouldn't date. But that means you have to not let your feelings sour the relationship through doing silly things.
2. If you're looking for a guy as a solution to your problem (which doesn't seem the case) then you're just going to get very hurt because we guys are not your fix. We want to share your life and our life with you, not fix yours. You have to give yourself the kind of life worth sharing.
bluecow is 100% correct OP. If being used for sex is a worry for you then that is very easily solved. Make the guy earn it first. Take your time, let him earn your trust before you open your legs.
OP most guys who just want sex won't stay trying in the long haul. About 90% of them will get frustrated and walk away early enough and about 90% of the guys who want you for more than just sex will stick around and will be willing to wait.
We've all had stuff happen to us OP, no one in this world is ignorant of pain and sadness but we still get on with life and do the things we want to. You want to date, then go date. But please remember that you may go through 10 guys who are lemons for various reasons before you find a gem, the trick is to always pick yourself up and keep going. Never take dating too seriously either it's about fun.
A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Hiya
you can "fix" yourself! I suffered from low self esteem badly (along with major depression) after my divorce.
When someone pays you a compliment, instead of analysing it.... just smile and say thankyou. Meet their EYE when you say thanks.
Then remember that the reason you put that outfit on, or styled your hair like that was BECAUSE you knew deep down it looks good. Rembmer if its a compliment on your personality that YES! I am a nice person!!! Keep repeating that to yourself until the little doubting voice shuts up!
For a while you will be "pretending" to believe them, but meeting their eye when they give you that compliment is a good way of checking whether they are sincere or not. When people have low self esteem and low confidence they tend to look anywhere but at the person they are talking to. Meet their eye and you will see that they mean it. It wont be so long before you are BELIEVING their compliments.
I dont think expecting someone to be the one to "mend" you is healthy. Its not conducive for a good relationship. We all have baggage, but the only person who can make this better is you.
If you think men want only sex... thats easy to rule out. Dont put out! Dont be anyones booty call, and dont have sex until you are sure the person you are with is sincere in his feelings. Some men will be out there for a quick fumble, its a fact of life. However many more will be looking for a lovely girl like you to love and be loved back.
If you dont feel able to handle compliments at all, and your actually fully depressed, then can I suggest you speak to a professional? Doctor or counsellor (or both!). They have far better tools than we aunts do at helping you over those barriers.
Good luck! You deserve to be with a lovely man in the future xxx
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (6 December 2011):
OP, you don't have a warped personality! It sounds like you are growing aware of the reality of the world. Most young people have varying degrees of insecurity, some show it more than others. Your distrustfulness is a healthy defense mechanism. Try to work on your own self value and don't look to others (guys especially) to do this because as it sounds like you have found out, a high percentage of young guys only have one thing on their minds! Join some clubs, get fit, and be proud of yourself, I guarentee you will meet the right person for you, and you will be able to trust them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): Nobody else can fix this for you, you have to be the one to fix the problem. That being said, if your willing to try and change your distrustful ways, then it is entirely possible. My suggestion is that rather than hoping some man will come along and help fix your self esteem issues, try going to a therapist of some kind and get your help there. I was very much like you, having self-esteem issues, and I thought maybe a guy could help "fix" it, but I was wrong and my self-esteem plummeted even more. I seeked help from a therapist and after some hard work, I am now a reasonably confident woman (I still have little moments of self-doubt). Nobody can fix your self-esteem issues for you, the only person who can do that is you. good Luck.
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