A
female
age
30-35,
*rokenAngel
writes:So i met this guy online. and he and I have talked for over a year now. we got to the point where I loved him and he loved me, and we never hid that. we'd say "i love you" quite often. Im from the states and he from Canada. Im 20 and he's 33. the age was never an issue. its actually a good thing. we have a lot in common and a lot of differences as well. He wanted me to move in and i had every intention of doing so. i was getting my passport and he my ticket. but now things arent going so well. our relationship is withering I guess and thats the last thing i want to happen. I love him. but the problem is i lied to him, more than once, and i dont deny that, and as a revenge thing i guess, he cheated on me. I forgave him right off the back no questions asked, but now he has me on the fence because of my lies.i know without a doubt that he's the love of my life, and that i want to spend the rest of my life with him. but i feel as if he used my lies as a way out of the relationship. if i can forgive him for cheating shouldnt he forgive my lies? is there anything i can do to get him back?
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (13 October 2009):
 The answer to your question is no. Just because you forgive him for cheating doesn't mean he should forgive you for your lies. Love isn't tit for tat, and love doesn't allow one person to seek 'revenge' on the other. I think him cheating was a way to lash out at you and possibly make you feel just as bad as he did. Ultimately I think he was hoping that you would feel just as betrayed and just as interested in putting a halt to things. I don't think he thought you would forgive him so easily.
Of course he is using your lies as a way out simply because he doesn't feel that he can trust you anymore. Without trust, there can be no relationship or even room for love. Is that using the lies? No. It's BECAUSE of the lies that he wants out of the relationship. And he's trying to make a point that because of his cheating, you shouldn't want to be with him anymore either. While you shouldn't of lied, don't use his reason of your lying for his cheating to justify his actions. So what to do now?
I would simply pack up my stuff and move on. Be thankful that none of this happened while you were actually moved in with him. And another hint, don't lie to people you love. Just be truthful no matter what the issue. It might be easier to lie, but the consequences are far worse when caught than just telling the truth. Good luck.
A
female
reader, YourDestiny11 +, writes (13 October 2009):
 Well for one...lying is no way to start out a relationship! You should not have forgiven him for the cheating so easily...2 wrongs do not make a right! Now hes more likely to do it again because he knows he can get away with it so why not! I think you might just want to end this relationship before it gets any worse...no matter what he is most likely always going to throw you lying in your face, which will get tiring, and then you will probably bring up him cheating and its just going to get worse! I dont see this relationship lasting, sorry! I guess you could try having a serious talk about it and try and work things over but i would end it and move on before you get even closer! Next time remember love, honesty, communication, loyalty and trust are the top things you need in a good relationship! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): For one you can stop lying.
Two: it might be that he wants you to be mad at him for cheating, so that he will be allowed to be mad at you for lying, understand? If you're just fine with whatever he does, he can't really bitch back at you. Maybe he needs to get the air cleared by getting into a HUGE fight with you. Those types of fights can either bring you closer or end your relationship.
If he's really the one for you, your relationship can get through this. However: stop playing games. You lying does not give him the right to cheat. And you lying does not mean you have to forgive him in order for him to forgive you. Thats a game. Thats a "you do this then I do that". Stand up for your own actions and take responsibility. And then let him take responsibility for his. His actions are his alone, and not your fault. You didnt drive him to cheat on you. He made that decision himself. He did something bad, not only cheat, but also did it as revenge. Thats a whole new level of low. So don't treat your lying and his cheating the same.
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A
female
reader, MAIDinHeaven +, writes (13 October 2009):
Hi there,
I hope this finds you well!
This is a tough one...you lied and he retaliated. Knowing his age (he is more than a decade older than you, hence more life experience and thus should be more mature and level-headed), he should be more of a rock for you instead of acting like a college boyfriend who's in a fraternity (no offense frat boys). He should already know what he wants and where he wants to be with you. If he can't get over your lies, he needs to be honest with you and himself that he still holds a grudge.
Now the thing is this, are you a habitual liar? What did you lie about? If you have already put this behind you and are determined to make this work between the both of you, I suggest you write him and be honest. Tell him of the life you envision with him, marriage, house with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, golden retreiver, the works. that you want to be his wife. etc etc. It's not desperation, it's honesty.
But be prepared for his response, it may not be what you expect and you may end up disappointed.
Good luck hunny! We're here for you!
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