A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI really don't know what too do, I met my present partner back in March 09, we had a great sex life and he was very physically affectionate and loving then but over that time he had a male flatmate who was a control freak, that flat mate has left late September as he is on remand. My partner says he cant stand the guy, especially over the last few months, while others tell me they are best friends. Anyway over the last two months our sex life has come to a stand still, before then sex only happened occasionally since at least may this year and he has become much less affectionate i would be lucky if I got a plain kiss or hug. I am wondering though if his mental and physical state could impact on his sexual desire, he has post tramatic stress disorder due to being raped as a child and was also raped as an adult about 10 years ago and he also suffers from depression, lastly he is a type 1 diabetic. In all other respects he is kind, attentive and loving. Please help as I don't know weather to stay with him or to leave, he is 38 years old, never married and no kids and I am 41 years old solo mother with a 10 year old daughter and a 17 year old son.Thank you for your help.
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (13 October 2009):
 As sensitive as this subject is, you have to make a decision as to whether you want to stick around or not. Stress and all the issues from his past have a lot to do with how he associates with other people which includes his partners. Of course, I wouldn't take it personal, but his lack of affection isn't something that just is going to go away. In fact it might be a permanent trait in him.
So where does that leave you? You either have to accept who he is, or you have to possibly leave the situation. It is very understandable if you can't handle this situation. A lot of women need affection to feel appreciated. It's just the way we are wired. Your happiness is important, and staying in a relationship simply because you feel sorry for him or because you think you can help, all the while feeling a little miserable because he isn't really showing you that physical tenderness you want isn't healthy for you.
You could try talking to him about things. But don't make this your 'charity' case. He needs to want help if he is having issues, and it should be his responsibility to do so. All you can really do is talk about how you feel and see what happens. Just remember, you can't change him, and your goal shouldn't be to help him at all costs. What it should be is your personal happiness. Best of luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): Hi
A history of abuse combined with a control freak room mate, this sounds like a recipe for a lot of emotional havoc. Was he abused by a man or a woman? Important question, since people who get abused sometimes start developing a dependency and attraction for their abuser. And this control freak guy kind of fits the profile, perhaps he started to influence your man or just reminded him of something!
This is a touchy issue and it must be approached with caution and deep care. So, one day, when you guys are alone (make sure it is your place) prepare him a dinner, and then a nice hot massage and a bath. Just cuddle up and cocoon him in sensuality and comfort... without their being any intimation or expectation of sex. Then slowly, when he is completely relaxed gently suggest that perhaps you need to know what exactly bothered him. Just be very gentle and be very patient. Make him feel safe and secure. Once he opens up, listen.. just listen and try to offer him so comfort (non-verbal kind, unless of course he needs you to verbalize it). Follow his cue. And, later, if you think their is a need, enlist the help of a psychologist.
Hope I have been of help.
Take Care
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A
female
reader, Sammycake  +, writes (13 October 2009):
 Well, you already have your answer as to why he's not affectionate. Stress is one of the main causes of any person not wanting to be intimate with another person.
As for the relationship, it sounds as if you're looking for someone to confirm what you already think - You have a 10 year old daughter, and if his behaviour ever gets violent or unacceptable around her, you should end it immediately. Would you rather your daughter had a stable upbringing, or one which she looks back on in a few years and shudders?
Sit down and talk to him. Ask him what's actually on his mind and offer to help in any way possible, share your feelings about the lack of affection. If the guy's a good catch, he'll make an effort to try and give you the attention that you deserve.
I hope I helped a bit. Good luck,
Sammy.
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