A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this girl some months back. Initially we were friends and spent lot of time together. Then, she slowly disclosed her problems with her controlling long distance boyfriend. I helped her out as much as possible, and in the process we fell in love. Now, she is with her boyfriend and I am the long distance one for the next year or so (till she comes back to my place). She promised that she will break up with him as soon as she gets there, but it has been two months and she finds some reason or other not to. She goes out with him frequently, and when I tell her that it hurts me, her reply almost invariably is that the boyfriend is forcing her to do all that. We have had some arguments over this last two weeks or so, and I always had to back off before reaching any resolution as she tells me that I am just pressurizing her with these discussions. I feel like being the "other woman" I see in movies, just that I am a man.From your experience what would you suggest? Is she so controlled by her boyfriend that she will never leave him? Or should I let her be with her boyfriend and keep my relationship, hoping that she will be back to me after the year is over? (it's going to be a painful year though) Or give her a reasonable time to leave him, if she does not then I should try to forget her. There seems to be no good solution, but would like to know the best of the bad ones.
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fell in love, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (24 September 2008):
 Good, let us know! Stick to your guns, don't let her play you, it really isn't worth it. The only way you should consider even wanting her is if she were to leave the day after you talk to her to come back to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): (original poster) Thanks all for the advice. you folks are just great! I will take your advice and talk to her about quitting the boyfriend or quitting me--this weekend.
I just love her so much that my brain goes for a walk when I think about her. That's why wanted to ask your expert advice. I will let you know how it goes.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (24 September 2008):
Oh you sweet sweet man... you have got to move on and find another.
I say this because I was that girl once. I went to college in Florida & met a guy that was in all my classes. We became good friend, hung out almost every day, partied together, even had sex, but I would never settle down and be "his girlfriend." I couldn't because I was in love w/ my old pen pal back in Texas (whom I had an agreement w/ that we date other people). Once I finished college, I moved back to Texas, close to my old pen pal in hopes that we would start being a couple as we had discussed on the phone. He told me that he loved me, he missed me, & he was all for me moving to be close to him. Once I got to Texas, it took my old pen pal 2 days to come visit me & he didn't even show up till 2am! Come to find out, he did not want me, so I had made a big move for nothing. The guy I had been seeing in Florida still called at that point and was willing to move to me & begged for me to move back - either one he wanted. Well, I refused - still hoping I could get my old pen pal to love me - I told Florida no. A few months later, Florida had planned to come visit me for a weekend. I was actually excited & looked forward to it. He ended up not calling & he didn't show up either. I never got to talk to him again & come to find out, he ended up finding another girl whom he is now engaged to be married with.
I never got w/ my old pen pal & after a year of being depressed about it, I finally got over him and the situation and moved on. I still think about the gentleman in Florida that I left behind... there is nothing I can do about it now - I pray him and his fiancee have a happy life together - I hope she is good to him - better than I was since I left him.
But see... you have got to move on, find another, & quit contacting the girl that is hurting you! Once you find another, it will be much easier to get over this girl that has been using you for advise - now she is just stringing you along just in case her current guy ditches her. Good luck - I am here if you need my advise (if it's helpful at all). Good luck!
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A
female
reader, augony aunt  +, writes (24 September 2008):
well the truth is she will never be coming back she will keep saying it and making up ecsuses so you will have to say if you dont want to come back you dont have to an then she will tell yhuu how she really feels she will say no i want to (something on them lines or ok thans for understanding (something along them lines) if she says i want to stay with her if not leave her but give her your details and tell her yhuu might even be married by the time she comes home tell her how you fell but if you doont think that YOU are in love with her just tell her how yhuu feel she will understand tell me what happens if yhuu take my advise
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A
male
reader, Ed1337 +, writes (24 September 2008):
 It sounds like she is playing with you, now she has moved away she doesn't want to know you anymore, just like when her bf was long distance, she played around behind his back. I also doubt her boyfriend is forcing her to do anything.
I would really try and forget about her and move on, otherwise its gonna ruin your life for the next year, until she does come back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2008): Forget her now. If she didn't want to be with him, she wouldn't have traveled to be near him. If she wanted to be in a relationship with you, she would have stayed with you...or at least broken up with him immediately when she told you she would. She is playing you!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (24 September 2008):
 The best of bad is to forget her and move on. Cant think of any other that will turn out any better tbh.
C xxxx
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