A
female
age
51-59,
*Faist
writes:Oh gosh, okay, sorry if this is a little long it may just end up viewed as venting. I've been seeing this guy and I've posted about this situation a couple of months ago. Well, we continued seeing each other and it seems now that it was clearly a FWB agreement....well needless to say, I have started developing feelings for him :(. I didn't want this to happen but I knew I had when I found that he was active on his online dating profile. Which I know I can't say who he can date or whatever but it hit me and caused me to realize that I unfortunately have some feelings. Sooo, lucky me decides I had better say something to him, after all, I am open and honest and feel that no matter who is in my life, those traits are important foundations to build any type of relationship. So I told him. Right now, I wish I hadn't, but I explained where I'm at and I told him I risked getting into this and that I was taking yet another risk telling him I have some feelings for him. He immediately was understanding and suggested we not see each other for a couple of months (how convenient when I know he's out there actively looking).....we talked about this and I've been aware he's dealing with ex/kid issues as he explains he feels guilty for the way I feel. I took all the blame and he suggested he still wanted to be friends but wasn't sure if I could handle it. He agreed with a lot of positive things that I was saying and he made the comment of "you never know what will happen in the future"...said that twice in the convo. We talked for about 45 minutes and he had to get another call that came in. Upon hanging up he said he'd call me back a little later that night and said that what I just did was very courageous. Thanks but uh , this all sucks for me! He called like he said asking if I was ok and of course, wanted to mention sex! OMG! Whatever! The next morning he texts and then calls to check on me (so he says). He again texted this morning asking if I was ok. I'm thinking it's a way to see if I'd give him phone sex? I know the answer to that (I think). I feel good but bad at he same time. I wish I knew how he felt about me other than that I'm nice, wonderful, etc. Good grief I'm so mad at myself! I still want to be with him and I know I will not be the one he will end up with when he is ready. I told him that too. I told him that I could've said nothing and held on but just knowing I wouldn't be the one he loves would be devastating to me. I mean, he's shared family secrets with me and for the first time, he put his daughter on speaker when I was with him last so I could hear! Why would he ask me to go with him to the mountains and why would he say he wanted me to spend a day with him at his work so I can see what it is like for him? (I've showed so much interest and I think that surprised him)I'm so confused right now! And I'm kicking myself for saying anything...but the thought of him going out and looking for someone else makes me sicker!Sorry for venting!
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a break, phone sex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): Good! I'm glad you're doing okay. Don't beat yourself up about being "weak." You're not weak. You had emotions, did the responsible thing, and it didn't work out. No one can fault you for being genuine. I'm glad to see that you're doing things that you like and are taking care of yourself. I wish you all the best.
A
female
reader, SFaist +, writes (26 January 2013):
SFaist is verified as being by the original poster of the question Okay, so I'm weak. Pretty much every day since I told him I was starting to have feelings for him, he's contacted me to check on me. This past Friday morning, he calls and asks me if I'd like to get together. Well, of course, I'm going to want to and I told him that but that I couldn't because I had plans all weekend. In my weakness, I did finally meet up with him that following TuesdayHe told me that it hurt him knowing he hurt me and that he didn't like very many people but he certainly liked me. He actually asked me if it would bother me if he were with another woman and my answer to that was "who am I to tell you what you can or cannot do? You are going to do what you are going to do anyway, right?" He looked away and shrugged. Well, I haven't heard from him in 3 days and I suspect I won't for a while. I did text him my direct answer to his question in which the answer was yes it would bother me. Curious to check to see if he was still online yesterday, I noticed he is not able to be found on the website's search pages and he has taken his profile picture off. Maybe he found a new friend? Who knows? I'm getting better at accepting all this as it is and I'm heading out the door to continue moving on as best as I can. Doing this begins with riding my horse to clear my head from this confusion!!
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female
reader, SFaist +, writes (16 January 2013):
SFaist is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for answering! I appreciate the support of this decision I've made. Yes, it hurts and I'm hoping to have learned a serious lesson from all this. Thanks again!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2013): Everyone else has already said this but you did the right thing. You were in tune with your emotions, knew things were changing, and did something. That makes you better at emotional health that most other people in your situation. This hurts now but it's better it ends before you get further in. Ask him if he'd be willing to go on a real date and if not, cut ties. Tell him you won't be answering his texts for a while and that you need space/he can't check in on you. If, after a while, you think you can do friends then do it. But otherwise, take care of yourself and best of luck. View this (emotional health) as getting in shape and healthy. It takes work and sacrifice but it's worth the effort to have a healthy outlook.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 January 2013):
 you care way more than he does or will.
saying how you felt was good. it was honest.
He's being kind and worries about you as a human being but he was honest that you are not his special someone... accept it.
and since you cannot cope with him not caring as much as you do, going NO CONTACT is your only hope.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 January 2013):
 I'm sorry to hear of your travails.....
HOWEVER, what you are experiencing is pretty routine.... we see so many such "questions" on this site... WHEN two people enter in to a "FWB" situation, they usually overlook that one of them may "fall for" (develop a more-traditional romantic attachment to) the other. IF BOTH "fall for" one-another.... then a "relationship" has been sparked... and it can go on... presumeably under normal circumstances....
WHEN only one of the participants "falls for" the other... then the relative-indifference (toward one-another) that the two sought, originally, has now been upset.... and that usually brings about the demise of the "FWB".... since the needs of the two are no longer in concert....
Sounds like you'll have to "write this off" as one of life's less-pleasant experiences... and go on in life with this in your rear-view mirror....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Agneta  +, writes (16 January 2013):
 Don't punch yourself over having told him. What do you think would have happened if you hadn't? You would still have been sitting there frustrated wondering about what happened and when he finally moved on you would have been angry with yourself for not having taken the risk/chance to tell him.
Now you know the deal, you have been honest with both him and yourself. And he has been honest with you about how he feels. Take it from there and be proud of yourself that you followed what you felt was right for you to do.
But it will hurt now some time, I know :(
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reader, Dayzy  +, writes (16 January 2013):
Don't be sorry that you told this guy how you feel. It is better that you know if his feelings are the same so that you stop wasting yourself on him. I really feel for you because those powerful feelings of love are as strong as any drug and you are going to have to be strong. This guy may also find it hard to give up his fwb situation because HE is the one benefitting but you will be the one getting hurt. Don't settle for a fwb situation but move on and give yourself opportunities to meet someone who will offer you his heart instead of using you just for sex. You're worth more than that.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (16 January 2013):
 Hi
Well at least he didn't just scream and ride off into the sunset, he has shown concern for your well being.He cares a bit.
The best thing for YOU though is distance and no contact,no checking his profile either. He has been honest and so have you.You know he is still looking and it hurts but its shown you the truth of his feelings regarding you and his dating life.
You have only done what so many women do in the FWB situation, fallen for him. Now you know why its not wise to get into that arrangement and can move on wiser.
Nobody can predict the future, but I am pretty sure yours is not with him.
Don't live in hope, live instead.
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female
reader, mrswaldhauser +, writes (16 January 2013):
 I think this man must have been hurt in his previous relationship with the ex where a child was produced. He is probably not wanting to bring his feelings into this as he may be frightened of getting hurt again. But I'm afraid to say, if you have told him exactly how you feel and has not reciprocated or made you feel as he if wants to try and work towards a proper relationship then I'm sorry but you've been caught in the same trap many people have.A relationship based solely on sex and nothing more tends to end up hurting a lot of people, especially women who can find it very difficult to not associate sex with love whereas men can easily detach their feelings from any sexual encounter. I think the best thing to do is to let this man go and find someone new. Please don't waste your life chasing after him as it doesn't sound like he wants to be chased and for gods sake please don't let him coax you into sleeping with him again as this will only make him worse. Phone him or meet up and tell him that you have developed feelings for him as he now knows and you want more but if he isn't able to give you that then you are going to have to move on and look elsewhere.
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