A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a bit confused I'm in a relationship and I like the relationship the romance kissing and cuddles but I don't really like having sex I've never really liked it. I feel forced to do it as part of the relationship everyday several times a day and I feel trapped like I'm being controlled if I don't do it I will lose my relationship. I feel really sad about this
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 February 2019):
 Thank you for the follow-up!
I can tell by your posts and especially by your follow-ups that he's extracting sex from you by being emotionally abusive. He is holding your relationship hostage to getting what he wants. A real man would never do that. He has exploited your insecurity (your fear of being alone) and is taking advantage of it. He is also manipulating you into believing that his demands are actually love.
That is NOT true that his wanting sex constantly means he *really* loves you. On the contrary -- if he knows you're experiencing pain during sex and hasn't lightened up on you, or decided that some sexual sessions are ONLY consisting of his spending LOTS of time performing oral sex on you, being ultra-gentle and putting your needs first, then that's definitely NOT love.
Abuse has those same earmarks. If it were physical abuse, the abuser would say something like -- he just loves you so much he gets jealous, loses control, and hits you. Or he flies into a rage if he sees you so much as looking at another man. In this case, he believes that the purpose of your existance in your relationship is to satisfy HIM sexually, and to not do so means you don't love him. It's dominance vs. ego, and the end result is emotional abuse.
He knows full well what he's doing. Let me ask you this:
What is his reaction when you ask for sexual favors for yourself? Such as the forementioned oral sex?? I have no doubt that he loves it when you do it to him, but how is he doing it for YOU?? If you were to ask him to get you off, would he do it? Would he take the time and spend whatever it took to give you an orgasm, even if his own might not be assured?? Or would he give you one or two licks and then lay on his back expecting you to ride the pogo stick? Or worse, does he outright refuse?
It's the same with other sex acts too. Does he give you slow, sensual kisses? Does he give you backrubs and hugs with no strings attached? Or does every touch turn into a grope he expects you to "finish"? If he isn't willing to touch you with YOUR satisfaction in mind, then he has already not cared about maintaining the relationship.
Also, DO NOT FAKE IT. If he's not ringing your bell, don't fake it just to get him to finish. Tell him his skills are lacking! I promise your sex drive would increase (most likely not to 4x per day!)if it were as fun for you as it is for him. If he were actually getting you off, you would want it more! Plain and simple!! When was the last time you actually had an orgasm during a sexual session with him??
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 January 2019):
 And he likes that you bleed after sex.?!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2019): He's five years younger than me. A very big man. He doesn't take any Viagra he just says he gets really turned on by me and he doesn't want to sleep with any other women he is committed to me which is nice.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 January 2019):
How old is your boyfriend? If he’s your age (41-50) and is expecting 4 ejaculations per day, wellll, golly, gee, what is his secret? Is he taking viagra?
Setting aside his remarkable priapic prowess, does he not see your discomfort and bleeding? Either he’s amazingly clueless and remarkably entitled or he’s remarkably entitled and amazingly selfish.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 January 2019):
 Thanks for continuing to Follow up. I have little to add. You seem determined to stay in the relationship. Here is a little advice related to your latest posts.
Coconut oil is an excellent long lasting personal lubricant.
Always see a doctor about unexpected bleeding.
The sexual intimacy you are sharing is probably responsible for your emotional connection. You can have sexual intimacy with out intercourse. there is manual and oral, and showering together and massage. Time to get creative.
And of course, whatever he is taking please send me a bottle!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2019): You are clearly sexually incompatible. Since you love the guy, maybe you could let him have sex with other women and just have you as a companion? Otherwise I think your relationship is doomed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2019): I'm just starting my second year with him now but he still wants so much sex. My body can't handle it 4 times a day its painful at my age plus I have other health issues and now I've noticed since so much sex I'm starting to bleed in between periods which is unusual
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2019): I don't mind having sex now and then but I'm finding 4 times a day at my age overwhelming as in my younger days I didn't have that amount. Its only with this mN I'm with now which I must admit I love dearly more than anyone I've met before. So that is why I give him what he wants as I want to make him happy but I feel he's being not so considerate in return
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (25 January 2019):
 Wow..I am like all the other aunts/uncles. 3-4 times a day? Does the man have a job? Any other interests? If you both were in your teens or early 20's I could understand but at 40??? Is he taking viagra or something? Its rather unusual for a man/woman at that age to have that high of a sex drive. Its definitely not what most would consider normal.
I'd wager a bet that most couples are not perfectly matched with their sex drives but most people that love and respect one another are able to come up with a compromise that both can work with. Other do sadly determine that they are so mismatched that they cannot work things out and they do break up.
I too am wondering is there a particular reason why you don't care for sex? Did something happen to you in the past or you just have never cared for it?
The reason I ask is because a few years ago my sister sounded just like you. She got married young and apparently her husband was inexperienced and a very selfish lover. She wound up being 50 and had NEVER had an orgasm! All the men she dated seemed to not be caring enough to be concerned that she didn't enjoy sex. She said she didn't like sex but the truth of it was that she had never experienced GOOD sex! She called me all excited about a year ago and told me that her boyfriend had made the experience wonderful and so pleasureable and that she finally knew why people liked sex! LOL
If this isn't the case and you truly just don't like sex then yes, the odds are you won't be happy with the man you are with. Most men DO enjoy sex and won't be just happy with cuddling. They will want more. If you try to keep having sex and not enjoying it you will grow resentful.
Perhaps it is best if you find someone who is more compatible to your wants and desires. I'm sorry I can't honestly help you more but I don't think we still have the full picture.
I wouldn't keep going on having sex multiple times a day though and dreading it. That is awful and you shouldn't have to live that way just to keep a partner. He sounds like he wants it far more than you and isn't going to settle for less. I'm sorry but I don't see how either one of you will be happy in this relationship.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 January 2019):
sorry, I missed the follow up,
You have talked. He has told you he doesn't want a relationship that doesn't include a lot of sex. You have told him you don't want a lot of sex. It's all there on the table. Neither of you wants the relationship that the other wants. Now, one of you needs to cut the cord and let it Go .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2019): to answer your response:
There is no 'normal' level of how much sex is right. He clearly has a high sex drive.
To be clear- do you mean you don't want sex ever, or do you mean you want it once a twice a week at most without pressure? If it's the latter, compromise could be reached. If it's the former, there's no hope for the relationship! BUT- that doesn't mean either of you are at fault.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 January 2019):
 Are you saying that ideally you'd like a relationship with no sex at all ? Uhm- I doubt there would be a lot of takers for that. While 3 ot 4 times a day is definitely not usual and sounds more like an addition or a neurotic compulsion rather than … just lots of stamina- then again, only cuddles and romance and no sex ever… not usual too, I am tempted to say not normal.
The solution in theory , as for everything, would be to compromise and find a rhytm you can both live with, so let's say , 3 times a week, rather than his 3 times a day ( and rather than your 0 times ). Honestly, I don't know if this is possible, your sexual needs and wants sound so widely divergent,- but it's worth a try discussing it : have you TOLD him ? does he know that you do not wish THIS much sexual attention and you are just putting up with it rather than enjoying it ? And btw, did he notice at least that you do NOT enjoy it ? Is he just a bit ( or a lot ) clueless… or he knows that you don't enjoy it but he does not care as long as HE is satisfied ?
You two sound sexually incompatible, and, as sad it makes you thinking of giving up this relationship, I guess it would be the best solution , actually the only one if you can't compromise.Because , sooner or later, it would end anyway,- I don't think you could just put up with it forever. Imagine being force- fed 3 or 4 times a day if you just need to eat like a sparrow and never work up an appetite. Sheer torture.
Another thing that 's not very clear is if you don't like having sex WITH HIM, or if you do not like sex, period. If it's because of him ( it takes him too little or too long to finish, he is too rough, too bland, ...whatever ) bad lovers can be retrained, you know ? But you would have to pinpoint what it is that you'd need to make sex better, and then to voice it !
If you NEVER liked sex, and if you feel you are happier without it- you will have your good reasons: maybe it's due to past trauma, or to previous abusive relationships,or you are just born asexual….But I think that you should try and figure out what it is that makes sex unpalatable to you, and possibly try and fix the problem with the help of a qualified professional- before you get into any relationship. That's only fair ; you owe it to yourself but also to your partner(s), being that ,at least for people in your age range, sex is a normal, vital part of a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 January 2019):
SEVERAL TIMES a day?? He's got an addiction if he's demanding sex from you that often. He's using you for a get-off machine, and that's not fair to you. You don't like sex because he isn't doing anything for you, and he's not respecting YOUR sex drive!
Most times, sex drives are different, and a relationship is a compromise between the person with the higher drive and one with a lower one.
In his case, he's being unreasonable in demanding sex that often! A relationship is much more than constant sex, not to mention the physical side effects of too much sex (rug burns, roughness, UTI's, yeast infections, not to mention he's IN NO WAY taking the time to please YOU in the acts, but he's selfishly just getting off.
You need to put the brakes on, and if he holds the relationship hostage because of sex, then he's not the one for you. You'd LIKE sex a lot more if you were orgasming after it, but I can already surmise that you're not having any. He's thinking you should get off from intercourse, and only about 20 percent of women even CAN orgasm through intercourse. I wouldn't like it either if several times per day I had to submit to the friction of some guy grunting and shoving while I wait until it's over and I can clean the sticky gunk off as fast as I can. It would have all the romance of his using the toilet on me to do his business. No way! Stand up for REAL sex!! And if he can't figure that out, give him ONCE PER WEEK and both of you learn how to really make love. Quality is so much better than quantity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): Theee to four times a day ??? Is he serious . I don’t think I could handle that twenty years ago but at 40 plus a woman’s body becomes more difficult to even do that due to hormonal changes that make that kind of frequency extremely painful . Does he have a job ? A life ? Or does he just want a blow up doll to masterbate into all day long
Three of four times a day is totally unreasonable unless that’s what BOTah partners really want
Let the relationship go . Really it sounds more like he’s using you as a sexual toy than treating you like a partner with feelings
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (24 January 2019):
If you were asexual it would be easier. But you want everything except sex. All the foreplay, but no play. Most guys don't like trying to walk with swollen blue balls.
It would be much easier to find an asexual partner if you were willing to give up the kissing and cuddling. With your preferences a compatible partner is going to be hard to find.
How is the communication? does your partner know that you don't want sex? If he is aware then it is on him. He shouldn't be pressuring you, but he should be free to leave. If he doesn't know then you are holding him in a false relationship by deceiving him. In That case it would be on you to tell the truth and accept the consequence.
Your relationship seems very unbalanced. Sex every day and some times many times in a day is very active for people in their 40's. And, it is so far from your ideal, no sex.
The truth of your sadness is that no person should have sex they don't want. And that will make you sad. But also every person should be able to leave any relationship where their emotional needs (including sex)ar not , filled, accepted, respected, or believed. And leaving will make you sad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): I have spoken to my boyfriend about this and he says he doesn't want a relationship with no sex and I feel like I will lose him if I don't do it. He seems obsessed with sex with me everyday he wants lots of sex three or four times a day and he doesn't want any less.than that.is it normal for him to demand so much sex. I really don't need it to feel loved
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 January 2019):
 So IS this really the relationship for YOU?
My gut says no.
I'd rather be single than feel FORCED to have sex. Or be single for a while until I found someone who can RESPECT that I didn't want sex, only " romance, kissing and cuddles". It might take a while to find a guy who is looking for the same but it would be worth the time to look for someone OVER feeling VIOLATED on a daily basis.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): You're in a tough situation, and there will be no easy solution. First- don't be confused, you're not the only person (yes, person) in the world who doesn't like sex. You're also not the only person in the world who has sex to please their partner. The issue is that you feel forced.I'm not about to start accusing your partner of any wrong doing, but feeling forced is not that much different to being actually forced in that it's against your will, therefore you are even less likely to enjoy it.So start there: why do you not enjoy sex? Did something unpleasant happen in your past? Are there physical reasons, such as pain or discomfort? Do you have an interest in sex but no libido? Many things, you can get help for in some way. If you want to try to enjoy sex, that is.But, you might just not like sex and to kid yourself that it's ok to keep 'just doing it' for the sake of your partner is wrong- to yourself. Have you spoken about this with your partner? You should do that, especially at this point, while the questioning is in your mind.But, be ready for a rocky ride. No one with sexual desires still flowing through them will be happy to hear that their love that they no longer want sex. Just be honest and open and ask the same of them and see where it takes you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2019): Are you being forced? Or are you doing out of a sense of obligation, because its expected of you? If its the latter, is it expected of you because you haven't told him you've never really liked sex?If you are genuinely being forced you should leave this man immediately. Why would you want to stay in the relationship? You need to tell him you doubt like sex you only like kissing and cuddling. He may end the relationship, and that is his right. If you haven't told him this before you haven't been honest with him. He may choose to stay with you on those terms. He is unlikely to enjoy hearing that you've never enjoyed sex with him nor are ever likely to do I wouldn't hope for too much but surely no relationship is better than having sex against your will.If the relationship breaks down, when you meet someone else, be upfront with them-for your sake and theirs.
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