A
female
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anonymous
writes:I was seeing a separated married man for a few months. It ended a couple of months ago. He has since got back with his wife. I now feel foolish. He was already separated when we got together and had been for a year. At the time I was at rock bottom having split with someone after 2 years and grieving for a close friend who died suddenly. I didnt realise at the time, but I do now when I look back, that I really was in a bad place in my life. I turned to drugs and drink and my ex seemed to encourage me and even do it with me. I was so badly depressed that it turned him away and he split with me saying he couldnt deal with my dramas and my mental issues! It hurt me cos I liked him alot, or so I thought I did. Again, when I look back I wonder what on earth I was doing with him. He was nothing to look at and not a nice person either. All my friends kept saying what on earth are you doing? But still, I really did like him. So he left me a few months back and now hes back with his wife. Im not hurt as such because there are no feelings there. Its like my nose is out of joint. I feel embaressed. I dont know why. I am alot better in myself now after receiving therapy. Im jsut ashamed of how I have been over the past 9 months and I wish I could just tell everyone that I wasnt in my right mind when I was with him. But I dont want to look even worse. Instead people just think I was with him and then he left me and went back to his wife. Whats worse is that I have to see her all the time because our kids go to the same school. She knows about me and she just smirks at me as if she has 'won'. If only she knew the truth about it all. How do I get over this? I am 30.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 Now this is not a waggle finger at OP.
Yep, people assume that even if a guy ( or lady) has been separated for YEARS he/she is single. He/she isn't. He/she still has a LEGAL binding contract with his WIFE, that means he LEGALLY can not commit to another woman. THAT is the law. But over the last I would say decade? People presume that as soon as you LEAVE a spouse... you are single.
But I agree, NEVER date a guy who is MERELY separated. HE isn't actually able to commit. If it's too expensive to divorce his spouse, they can't afford a new partner. Being separated doesn't mean they are over each other.
Also, if he went straight back to the wife, I think they could EASILY have been connecting behind OP's back, he was just looking for an excuse to dump OP.
All in all he sounds like a loser, and you can do better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): In fairness the Ops boyfriend had been separated from his wife for a year when the Op got together with him. I don't think a year is too unrealistic to expect the relationship to be pretty much over (even if still legally binding).
Realistically how many of us would actually wait until a divorce is all signed and sealed before falling for someone. Sorry but in such situations our hearts rule our heads. Yes a relationship with someone who is still legally married is Adultery but there are many of us who have had relationships with someone who is still legally married, but to describe it as cheating is a little strong.
Yes it has legal issues and as such is cheating but if the marriage has ended emotionally and the two sides live apart then, legal issues aside, its a little unrealistic to expect, or force, both sides to stay "faithful" or celibate.
Personally I would class the situation as being more a breaking of a legal contract, rather than cheating. Cheating involves lies, deceit and sleeping with someone, or whatever, behind a partners back or while that partner is for whatever reason is putting up with it. That is very different situation - the OP is not really a cheat as the man was, for all intents and purposes, single at that time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 Good post, YouWish, and good point.
What everybody tends to forget is that in most countries ( I can't vouch for all ,of course ) separated is still married, until divorce has become final.
As a matter of fact, for the law, even private agreements between parties ( we can date whom we want ) would count zilch,... if either one changes their minds. A separated wife can say, sure my darling, we are separated, now go out and play- only to change her mind, slap him with a charge of adultery ... and possibly take him to the cleaners ; bye bye, consensual no-fault divorce.
That's not the OP's problem anymore, thankfully, - but I thought it may perhaps be a useful reminder for all the readers ( apparently they are many ) who are in the process of dating a separated guy /woman...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 July 2014):
 Don't get mad at me, but I agree with Suella's statement, though I have more to say, and I'm *not* judging you! I know DearCupid has disagreeing aunts when it comes to how available a separated spouse is, and whether a separated spouse is cheating when he or she starts a relationship with someone else.
I'm not bitter, and I'm not attacking you, OP. But I firmly agree that, with extremely few exceptions, never ever start a relationship with someone unless their divorce is completely and utterly finalized. They are married when they are separated. They are married in terms of not being able to make promises or progress a relationship legally (i.e. get married, have unencumbered joint financial assets and obligations because of the spouse's common property rights, court orders involving children and not allowing the new girlfriend/boyfriend to live with the separated person in order to receive spousal support) and most importantly, the nature of a separation is to give time to decide whether or not the marriage is over.
The person who dates a married/separated spouse is in grave danger of being discarded if the spouse reconciles. I'm sorry you're dealing with that harsh fact, and I feel bad for you. Your ego has felt a rejection, which is the foundation of the great pain you're feeling. What I'm telling you now is simply a hindsight, but I'm telling you, you are the poster child of the cautionary tale of never ever getting serious with a separated man. He is married. Separation means a trial to either work on problems in the marriage and reconcile, or to initiate and finalize a divorce.
Now, is he cheating on his wife? That's a more contentious issue, and this actually represents the first time I disagree with Mark1978, which sucks because I really love this guy's posts! But I do believe it's cheating unless those ground rules are laid out in their separation, as in "We're dating other people while apart" and both know. A separated spouse is UNABLE to have a legit relationship. It's a complete impossibility because he cannot marry her. He cannot own unencumbered property with her. Legalities like health insurance, life insurance, future planning, and combined assets are not available. There is no such thing as "common law" with a separated spouse. The single partner has zero rights if the separated spouse dies. His wife and children would be the beneficiary of all of his estate and holdings if he has no will, and even if he has one, many states and countries have provisions overruling wills in the case of a spouse and children.
As for his wife and the smirking, what does she have to smirk about? Her husband ran off and slept around while they were separated. Nobody wins except him. She was made a fool of, and you were used and tossed, for all intents and purposes. If I were her, the last thing I would ever do is smirk, because with him back in her life, all the old problems, plus his extracurricular sexual baggage, is now her burden to bear.
Take comfort, OP, because even though this hurts now, you will come out of this in the best shape in the long run, much wiser about the baggage you accept from the guys you're interested in, and completely free, unless his wife, who just dropped the shackles back on. You are actually the winner in this. I know you liked him, but he was never truly available. One day, you're going to wake up and smile knowing you dodged a HUGE bullet, and the guy who comes into your life who's single and available and has no hangups on dreaming about a future with you has your heart, and this married guy won't matter any more than a dusty car windshield to you. Have your good cry out, keep talking to your therapist, but the sun's gonna come up BRIGHT in your life, I guarantee it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 July 2014):
A legit relationship ? Not really, Mark. Just to set the record straight, separated is still married. In UK, adultery is voluntary sexual intercourse between a man and a woman who are not married to each other but at least one of whom is married to another. It is a common misconception that any sexual relationship after separation is not adultery . This is not correct .If a person is married ( whether living with their spouse, or somewhere else ) and they have sex with another person, it is still adultery.
Suella's comment may have been not too compassionate but it is factually correct. These guys where probably waiting the 2 years to petition for consensual divorce. This is a period that in theory should serve for the divorcing spouses to think it over and reconcile their differences ... and that's just what happens in many more cases than one would think possible. Making thereby a
" separated " ( but not divorced ) guy a relatively unsafe bet.
Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, Op, that yes you made a mistake, but now it's over, done, gone. Think from now on, not from now back. As you said yourself, when you were with this man, your judgement was not totally lucid, so you did not choose for the best. I don't think that all your town or city is spending lots of time thinking about YOUR mistakes, - they will have their own mistakes to contend with. I'd bet that " people 2 is thinking about your past... about one hundredth of how much you believe they are.
Then again, I don't quite see why you'd be so embarassed for having made a foolish choice in love, having had an unsuitable partner or relationship- don't we all at some point ? If everybody got it right the first time, there would be no divorces, no separation, no break ups, no heartbreaks... and no Dear Cupid :).
His wife may smirk ( ... which in fact it may be just a nervous , hesitant smile, the one you make when you MUST be polite but the situation is distasteful and awkward ) , because she may think that she has won back from you her prize. So what ? It was no prize and it is a prize that you would not want anymore for all the tea of China. let her have him, and let her smirk, poor woman, I guess she NEEDS to stay upbeat and positive if her partner is as unsavoury as you say !
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (4 July 2014):
 Suellas comment is out of place, this man was separated from his wife and had been for a while when the two of you got together. This was not an affair but a legit relationship.
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSuella, please don't bring your bitterness from your own situation here .
Thanks to everyone else for your great advice.
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female
reader, suella +, writes (4 July 2014):
The man was still married,and that says it all.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (4 July 2014):
 She smirks at you because she's jealous of you and that's her way of hiding her feelings. Not that its even a contest, for this loser, but yes, still.
She knows that her husband left her for you. That was a huge slap in the face for her and getting her husband back was probably her way of telling herself not that she won, but that she didn't let YOU win.
How does it even matter now OP? You know you made a mistake with this guy, you know he wasn't worth your time and you know that the wife is living in denial and really, that's her problem. Why do you care so much about all of this when it doesn't matte to you in any way now? Who cares about what people think? YOU know what the truth is and that's what matters. If you start worrying about every smirk that comes your way, you can never leave home! Just dont bother about bygones.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2014):
Eh you made a bad choice, a bad mistake. Don't waste to much more time beating yourself up.
As long as you REALIZE and LEARN from that mistake, it's all good. It was maybe a lesson you needed.
As for the wife... if she smirks at her just smirk back, seriously... He isn't SUCH a big prize now is he? What did she win? A crappy piece of manfolk. Come on, LET her have him and thank YOUR lucky stars that YOU now can do better!
Up and onwards!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): Well, you looked back to see where you've been. Now look forward; so you'll know where you're going.
Sometimes we hit hard-times in our lives. Some people turn to drugs, sex, or alcohol (or all of the above) as a way of dealing with their issues. It seems like a way to escape. Self-medicating, and doing whatever feels good. Immediate, but short-term painkillers.
It ends up getting worse; because that's self-destructive behavior. There are better ways to deal with pain and loss.
It's good you are embarrassed. It is your motivation to continue moving forward, continue improving yourself, and not repeating that behavior.
It is also your karma; because during those times, there are victims of the collateral damage you caused when you were out of control. You hurt people, as well as yourself.
You kids for example. The good thing is, that is you no more.
You may feel the need to tell everyone you weren't in your right mind. I think it would do you more good just continuing to improve. Their judgment of you is partially your fault. You can say you were in a bad place, but you went to some extremes. You're a mother. So you would be scrutinized by society harshly. There's an old song about the "town without pity." However; you live on in spite of the judgment of others. Hold your head high. Be proud of where you are now.
If someone smirks at you, you're old enough to dismiss such childish behavior. His wife knows more what happened than she needs to know about you; that being, you were messing around with her man. If the situation was in reverse, you'd likely do the same. "Separated" does not mean divorced.
You might need a change of scenery. A new town, new friends, and just let the past stay the past. It will haunt you from time to time; but that's as a reminder. You don't want to go back there anymore. Don't look back. Keep moving forward. You "were" foolish, but that's in the past-tense.
You are now the wiser, new and improved version of yourself.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (3 July 2014):
This is a pride issue. If others think he left you for his wife then so be it. So what? If people feel the need to judge then they are being pathetic and childish. Remember - your friends kept saying "what on earth are you doing with him?!" so your true friends know he is not nice and you were with him because of a bad experience in your life. Your true friends know the truth.
If this other woman smirks ignore it. Your picking your kids up from school not attending yourself ;-) if she wants to resort to childish behaviour let her get on with it. Her relationship with him failed once and will probably do so again. Plus you know what he is really like even if she doesn't. I suspect she DOES know and that's why she smirks to make herself feel better about it. She hasn't WON, she has gained back her husband who is not a great guy. You should be wearing your inner smirk.
As for telling everyone why you were with him, its non of their business. You don't need to justify your relationship to anyone.
Mark
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