A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi There,Agh, I am actually a embarrassed to write about this. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to any of my friend about it in the last 3 days. I have this habit of going through my boyfriend's email, phone, etc. It's a bad habit, I know it invasive and a violations of privacy, I am trying to change this. He knows about my tendencies and thinks it's actually a little funny. In any case, he has a 15 year old daughter. About 6 months ago, he took his daughter and some of her friends to the beach. Later that same week, he publicly posted a inappropriate picture of one of his daughter's friends. Basically, she in a swimsuit holding a balloon between her legs pretending to pee on a boy who was also apart of the group. I told him it was inappropriate and he took it down. He said he thought it was funny and was not aware that it was inappropriate.So, a few days later, he was taking a long bath and his phone was on the bed. I couldn't resist and I started to look through his phone. There were only several sexy pictures (kim kardashians butt,that kind of stuff etc.) of women and, to my surprise, there was that inappropriate pic of daughter's friend. I was pissed. I told him I wasn't born yesterday and knew exactly why it was there and what he was using it for. He said he felt I was always going though his things trying to find a fight to pic. And, it's true, I am not proud of the fact that I do go through his accounts any chance I get. But he also admitted that I was right about the picture and why he saved it and had it one his phone.I just don't know. On the one hand, men are visual creatures and although it is not appropriate in any way, I should have never looked in his phone to begin with. On the other hand, I am disgusted and feel betrayed. Is this normal behavior? I would especially appreciated feedback from some men on this (but ladies, please also chime in...I need the help). What do you think? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Ciar:) I appreciate all the love and support I received from the community.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 July 2014):
 I'm glad to hear it, OP. He doesn't sound like the cat's meow to me. Thanks for the update and best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update, a few weeks later, we talked and he admitted to having inappropriate thoughts about younger girls. We are still not together as I reported last, but I thought I would update you all.
He will definitely never be "the one that got away," but rather "thank God I got away!" While I did appreciate his honesty, the relationship is very much done.
Thanks again for all the help and advice:)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 May 2014):
 Ciar, and OP, I understand why both of you think he admitted he was keeping the picture for wank material and maybe I think too much like a guy BUT
The original comment “But he also admitted that I was right about the picture and why he saved it and had it one his phone.” COULD be interepreted to mean he admits she was RIGHT about the picture being INAPPROPRIATE for facebook…
Add to it that the OP posted this in her follow up “He denied that he admitted to having the pic for sexual purposes, he said it was only because he thought it was funny, I just didn't buy it at all.” And that makes sense to me.
He kept it not for wank purposes but because he thought it funny and could not see how it was inappropriate for a grown man to have a picture of a 15/16 yr old that looks like an adult in skimpy attire looking sexual….. I CAN SEE THAT.
Just saying… how often to you all tell me I think like a guy….
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female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (15 May 2014):
 You did the right thing by finishing with him. He is a Loser with a capital L. A grown man keeping a picture of his daughter's teenage friend is not on. And grown men should not be looking at teenage girls in that way, despite what the male aunts have said. If you are trying to say that that is how ALL men think, then you are very wrong indeed. Look at women as an equal, not just tits and fanny and maybe they will respect you back the same way. On a side note, snooping is not good. Work on yourself too. Don't snoop - just dare to have a real and honest relationship with someone. Good luck.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (14 May 2014):
'But he also admitted that I was right about the picture and why he saved it and had it one his phone.'
He's already admitted he didn't save the picture because he thought it was funny.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 May 2014):
OP while it's over and done and I think that's best for you since you don't trust him, I have to say I believe him when he says he saved the picture because it was funny.
If it was safe enough to post on facebook, I doubt it's really wank material for a guy...
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Male anon, no one except you mentioned the word paeophilia. You accept he crossed the line saving the photo for his sexual gratification, so we're all basically in agreement, no?
OP, you've learned a lot about yourself. That's a very good thing. All the best.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 May 2014):
I.m sorry this one didn't work out, but I think this is probably for the best, as you say.
Trusting men is only half the equation, OP. Ultimately it's YOU you have to be able to trust in to make good decisions regardless of what happens around you. And I think you earned some self respect here.
I think your instincts were right on this one. I don't buy the 'kept it because it was funny' either. He even admitted as much earlier.
You might miss him, or some things about him, but you won't miss the wondering and the checking and never really knowing for certain. This is a new chapter of your life and everything is going to work out fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell everyone, we broke up. He was upset that I looked in his phone and rightfully so. He denied that he admitted to having the pic for sexual purposes, he said it was only because he thought it was funny, I just didn't buy it at all. In any case, the trust is gone out the window. I really learned a good lesson that I will take to my next relationship, my snooping was so destructive.
That being said I broke it off for various reasons. He never trusted me from day either. Clearly there were major issues in our relationship. Trusting men is also something I really need to work on for me to be healthier in my next relationship.
I am sure it will hit me like a truck later, but for now, I am okay with it. Too many strikes and too much damage done. It's time to move on.
Thanks again everyone:) You all were very helpful indeed!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): I'm so sick of women acting like teenagers are children. Finding teenage girls attractive does not make somebody a pedophile. That's the same kind of logic that homophobes use, lumping homosexuality in with pedophilia, incest, zoophilia, necrophilia, etc. Just because you don't like two things, that doesn't make them the same thing.
"Adult body or not..." No. There is no "or not." If a teenage girl has matured into an adult body, she has an adult body. Stop trying to force other people to keep viewing her as a child just because that's how you want them to look at her.
"Boys will be boys is not an excuse..." No, it's a fact. Calling it an excuse makes it sound like something needs excusing when, in fact, it does not. There is nothing "creepy" or "disturbing" or "weird" about men finding a woman attractive if she has the body of an attractive adult. A man having sexual fantasies about adult looking teenage girls are just that - fantasies, And, again, teenaged girls are not children. Finding them attractive does not make somebody a pedophile. Do just a tiny little bit of research, please, on what pedophilia is. It's an attraction to prepubescent children. Teenage girls are not prepubescent. In fact, most pedophiles have no interest in teenagers...because they're not children. That should tell you thst teenage girls are a lot closer to being adult women than children.
Back to my point, again, fantasies are just fantasies. A lot of people - men and women - fantasize about things they would never do and would never want to happen in real life. So let's stop acting like fantasizing about younger girls who look like women is a horrible disgusting thing. Because it's not. Obviously we have laws designed to protect young teenagers from older people, and that's great. But we need to remember the reason why these laws are in place. It's because society had decided, and rightfully so, that people under a certain age aren't mature enough to make that kind of decision, not ready to consent to sex or deal with the consequences. The laws are NOT in place because we thought it's wrong to want to have sex with teenagers. So, please, we need to get rid of that notion. Attractive teenage girls are still attractive. If a 15 year old looks like a 20 year old, you can't expect a man to think of her the same way he would a 15 year old that looks like a 10 year old. It's unrealistic, and it's ridiculous. Obviously you can expect men to never attempt to ACT on their thoughts, but expecting them to somehow stop themselves from having those thoughts is asinine and unfair. Knock it off.
Ok, rant over. OP, sorry for hijacking your question, just reading some of these self righteous answers made me snap. To your question. Yes, him having the picture and what he was doing with the picture is an issue. Saving pictures on your phone, while obviously not as bad as actually doing something physically with her, is a step beyond having thoughts in his head. I doubt she would be comfortable with him having her picture on his phone for that purpose, and you shouldn't have pictures of people they don't want you to have, and that goes for anybody under any circumstances. So that crosses a line. And, yes, your snooping is an issue. You know this, so I'm not going to beat the dead horse on that.
But the biggest part of this that stood out to me is the fact that, as soon as you saw it, you "knew" why he kept it and what he was doing with it. Obviously, I grant you that it turned out you were right - but you had no way of knowing that at the time. It could've easily been a picture that he had saved from the time he took it and put it on FB, didn't delete it off his phone when he deleted it off FB, and hadn't looked at it since. I have hundreds of pictures on my phone, many of which could look bad if somebody randomly found them, looked at them out of context, and assumed the worst.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to ridicule you for jumping to conclusions. I just think it's telling. I think you should look within yourself and try to figure out why you're doing that. Is this the first time you've picked something you found when you were snooping and used it to start a fight like that? I'm guessing the answer to that is no. Again, why? Do you just enjoy fighting with him? That's possible, some people are just like that. Maybe he enjoys fighting too, and that's just how your relationship works. But it's also possible that, deep down, you're unhappy and looking for a way out. You know this relationship isn't right for you, and you're subconsciously sabotaging it. Only you know which one it is. Have you done this with previous boyfriends? Did it end those relationships? Were you kinda glad those relationships were over? Have you done this the entire time you've been with your current boyfriend? Or has your snooping, jumping to conclusions, and fight picking increased over time? Are there a lot of little things he does that bother you but you overlook them because____(he's a nice guy, he's a good father, your parents/family/friends like him, he's rich, whatever, fill in the blank - probably with something that has nothing to do with a successful long term relationship)? The answers to these questions might be able to help you figure out what's going on here.
Sorry if I didn't really answer your question per se, but I do think there's a bigger issue here. It's time for you to decide how you really feel about this relationship going forward, for your sake and his. Good luck!
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reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 May 2014):
To me, the urge to snoop heralds the end of a relationship. Whether you have genuine/ legitimate motives (confirming infidelity for example) or an ongoing snooping issue, it's a sign that things are seriously wrong.
In your situation, you snooped and found that your partner not only took a photo of an underage girl but saved it and gets off looking at it. That is beyond creepy or unsavoury. There is no justification for that, no matter how primal the male brain is.
I wonder how the girls father would react if he knew what your partner was up to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, the snooping is very destructive, inappropriate, and controlling. It will stop. Whether this relationship endures or not, for my sanity and for me as a human being.It's very hard, to be honest, to have others call our your bad behavior, not knowing where it originates from. But, I recognize I reached out for the advice on this type of forum and you all taking the time is met with sincere gratitude. I really have to take a deep look at my side of the street and clean it up.And, I thinking hearing you all say how damaging my snooping is, really put it out in a new light. So, again, I appreciate the feedback because at the end of the day I have to live with myself, boyfriend or not.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 May 2014):
I didn't excuse anything, I'm simply stating that her age doesn't make her invisible. It's just reality and we can pretend it's not if that makes you more comfortable.
I also believe that knowing her age should have prevented him from staring, taking pictures, objectifying, etc. That is definitely creepy behavior.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (12 May 2014):
Anyone who has eyeballs in their head and can see is a visual creature, OP. Men don't get a wider latitude to indulge their baser instincts.
Like you, I find this off putting and having been that 15 year old girl myself once upon a time (before the days of cell phones & digital images thank God) I can tell you it is rather disturbing to learn that a grown man thinks and looks at you 'that way'. It undermines one's faith in adults and in men.
I'm afraid this would herald the end of the relationship because I just couldn't take this sort of person seriously, nor could I become sexually aroused by a grown man who masturbates to pictures of young girls - his daughter's friend, no less. What you decide to do is up to you.
As for your snooping, acknowledging the problem and claiming to be 'working on it' does not give you a grace period in which to keep doing it. It's extremely invasive, very controlling and totally inappropriate. And like all bad behaviour there is no 'trying to stop' or 'learning to stop' or 'working on it'. There is stopping and not stopping. It's very simple.
It seems both you and your boyfriend have a serious problem recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for feedback everyone. Wow!!! It really does help:)Just to clarify, I didn't title the post. I forgot to title it and dearcupid did it for me.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 Strange reasoning, CMMP.
I too still drool and get excited over a big wad of cash, a big thick wad of crisp banknotes, whether they are legitimately mine, or it's the content of your fat wallet. In both cases, I have the same reaction. Only, I know that it would be "inappropriate" for me to nick your cash and keep it, just because I like it, in fact it would be dishonest, immoral and illegal, - so I will abstain from doing it.
So this guy gets aroused by pics of 15 y.i. girls ( who also are their his kid's friend ! that's really eeewww. I wonder how would he like if other dads would do the same with his kid's pic ? ). Let's say it's an involuntary physical reaction, he can't do anything about it. Ok,fine- but, - he can abstain from saving those pics, storing them away, and using them for wanking purposes. For that , he can content himself with Kim Kardashian's bountiful ass- because Kim Kardashian is an adult and, I suppose, is not always underfoot to play with his daughter, nor sees him like that nice kind cool dad who's always so fun and playful and welcoming--- uh, double ewww ! ).
I don't quite understand your question, OP. The title says you are dusgusted. If you are disgusted, - you are disgusted and you will have to decide if you can live with and have sex with a man that you find disgusting and does disgusting hings.
On the other hand , it seems that you want to know if we find it disgusting or somewhat normal. As if: if you get enough " not disgusting " answers, you won't find it disgusting anymore ?..
You may have a variety of answers here, I find it disgusting too , - not that he has an involuntary physical attraction to very young females, but that he consciously chooses to indulge in it. Other people may feel differently and that boys will be boys and that as long as he does not actually hit on the young girl with sexual intents, then it's ok. But, does it really matter ? Those who condone his behaviour or find it normal perhaps might even be right- but, they don't have to live with his man and have sex with him, you do.
So, normal or not, how do YOU really feel about it ? dealbreaker or no dealbreaker ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): Yuk... not nice.. very inappropriate.. bad enough if it was a woman.. but an underage girl. Not sure what I would do in your shoes, yes you were wrong to snoop but I always say intuition should always be trusted. I was with a guy years back who used to really stare at underage girls, I found a couple of "odd" pictures and ignored my gut.. and then BOOM I found out he had a thing for underage incest porn.. and OMG WHAT a collection. He had really serious issues going on, I think he was a closet paedophile. He would say odd stuff as well. Think carefully.
And like HoneyPie, I am TIRED of men excusing this objectification of children. Adult body or not, our society sexualises children already, we don't need men supporting that!!!
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 May 2014):
Let me tell you all a little secret that guys don't want to get out:
When a female has the body of a woman, you still visualize them as a woman even if they're underage. In no way does it mean we want to sleep with them.
It hasn't been long since 13 was considered grown and our primal instincts haven't caught up with the cultural change.
However I think he crossed the line by saving the picture. That's for sure. That's not to say he's a child molester or anything of the kind, he just gave in to his instincts in a way he shouldn't have.
But it doesn't sound like you're going to leave him over it, so you'll have to file this one and at some point decide if this and all the other issues he may have make it worth sticking around any more.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 May 2014):
 I would be creeped out. PURE and simple.
Snooping doesn't do ANYONE any good. All it does is make you "think" you have to POLICE your BF that YOU have to "make" him behave. THAT shouldn't BE the case. He is a GROWN man and should know that you DO NOT post pictures of your teenage daughter's friends on your FB. Nor do you SAVE pictures of they bodies on your phone. It's insulting to his daughter, her friend (most of all) and to you.
STOP snooping. Not for your BF's sake but for your own. YOUR are making yourself CRAZY thinking that if you CATCH anything bad on his phone you "got him". It makes you a bit loony. Bet it even makes you FEEL loony.
The whole "men are visual creature" is SUCH a cop out. I don't know how often I hear it as an excuse for men to objectifying females. Objectifying a teen girl is even worse.
Snooping or not, your BF is a creep. And you don't trust him. How is that for a toxic relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do appreciate the feedback and you are right about me being a snoop. Thank you for responding:) This is something I know I need to work on, trust me. I would be livid if he did this to me so I understand just how horrible that is. However, that doesn't change the fact that I found this either.
But, let me be clear and tell you that he clearly admitted that he was sexualizing the picture. That is not up for question.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 May 2014):
No your behavior us not normal, and you know it, so stop.
I think you have an accusatory mind, so that you literally are looking for reasons to get upset with your boyfriend. Literally!
What you found is a picture he'd taken before that he obviously didn't think was too offensive or he wouldn't have put it on FB.
I can't say what his intentions were since I haven't seen the picture and I don't know him, but what I DO know is that you are obviously looking for dirt so that's what you found.
In the end you have to determine if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is, leave, if not then you'll have to deal with it.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 May 2014):
 You already know snooping is wrong. But what you also found out is that your boyfriend likes to masturbate to photos of 15 year old girls. And not only that, but ones he knows. That's really quite sick. Boys will be boys isn't an excuse for anything, especially not disgusting behavior.
So on to the snooping, which will destroy your next relationship with a non-pervert. Some people snoop like an addiction. They get off on the adrenaline rush of it. If that's the case, you need to stop cold turkey and sit on your hands so to speak and the urge will disappear. You know it's wrong to snoop. However, the other type of snooping if among people who have some kind of intuition something is truly going wrong. Either way I don't think I could stay with someone who was getting off on pictures of his daughter's friends. Ew.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 May 2014):
 Since you're a snoop... AND you know what your "B/F" is thinking ("... and (I) knew exactly why it was there and what he was using it for..... ") I think it would be appropriate for you to break things off with this guy, and let him get a real G/F who isn't a snoop who claims to know what he is thinking from moment to moment...
Incidentally, I think your confession of how snoopy you are, doesn't bode well for your future prospects of finding a real "boyfriend...."
Good luck...
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