A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend more than anything but am struggling to see a future for us because of how useless he is with money.We earn roughly the same - take home about £1500 a month. I own a small house and manage to pay all my bills on my own and still manage to have a half decent lifestyle. He lives at home and pays his parents £150 a month which he totally begrudges despite the fact that they do everything for him. The rest of his money goes on his hobbies - cars, golf and smoking.We have been together for 4 years and we have talked about living together. I cannot fathom how it would possibly work. He wants to move in with me so I have said I want £500 a month off him to cover his share of the bills. This doesn't even take into account the shopping bill and he eats like a horse! But I didn't want to suggest too much so I suggested 500. He flipped! He said he would be prepared to give me half the mortgage which is £200 a month. He is fantastic in every way except this but he has no concept of money whatsoever. He is nearing 30 and has always used his wages at his complete disposal. How do I change this? I've tried sitting down with him and going through the monthly expenses and he just doesn't see it. He says id have those bills whether he lived here or not which I know is true but it's unfair!
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I’m very acquainted with this attitude; “He says you’d have those bills whether he lived there or not…” That my dear is someone blatantly unrealistic, looking for a FREE RIDE on your sweat and hard earnings etc and a reality check on whom you’re struggling with!?
Here you haven’t a man who’s remotely able to reason with about practical rational fair contributions to a household; he totally begrudges £150 a month that he pays at Easy Street, flips out at £500 to live with his girlfriend and offers you chicken feed of £200 whilst having a horse’s appetite and keeps his selfish lifestyle. Shame on him!
[BE WISE, if you do end up living together, as who knows one day you’ll split up and he gets half your house!? For me if he did move in, I wouldn’t have his money pay for my mortgage and have legal papers drawn up, but this is advice for another time.]
Meanwhile, in effect he’s saying he’s not interested in sacrificing (growing up) to pay his way with you or in life; yes you’d have those bills that belong to you, like the mortgage and household maintenance. Yet it’s more convenient for him to live like a single man with less responsibility than to pay his way with having a girlfriend! Even IF he paid his way, he would certainly begrudge paying the extra money!?
Sounds like you want a relationship after 4 years, but he’s not going to change when he gets it better by staying where he is… The incentive (for him) is to remain at home or pay as little as possible elsewhere?
Plainly, it’ll be a lifetime of arguments and a struggle waiting for change.
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 May 2014):
 I married a man who lived at home and had his mommy taking care of him not paying rent etc... he was a child emotionally and it never worked out.
i'm sorry if he can't manage to know that adults have very little disposable income after paying their bills, then he's not ready to be an adult and I would not try to fix this with him.
I think the suggestion that he live on his own for at least 6 months before moving in with you is a good one.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (12 May 2014):
 You clearly are a responsible, mature, sensible adult. He is adolescent, feels he is "above" paying his fair share and is spoilt.
I read your question and assumed your BF was around 20...then I read that he is nearly 30! I live at home at 36 and that's my choice but if and when I move out im fully appreciative of the costs and responsibility involved. He is living in a world of throwing money at his car, his golf and smoking his wages away while mom and dad pay his way.
You have focused on the financial side of this, but you also say his parents do everything for him. That expectation that others should do everything for him wont change if he moves in with you. YOU will be doing the garden, the housework, dealing with the stress and the upkeep...he will be on the golf course or polishing his car.
Do you want a partner? Or a child? I suspect you will feel like mummy if you live with this guy. If he is close to thirty and not changed then I doubt he ever will.
Sadly his parents have been to easy on him all his life and, if I may be so bold, so have you. You offering him the chance to move in with you at a reduced rate. You have waived the food bill and he eats like a horse. So while he munches his way through the fridge you have to pay for it.
You are clearly very mature and sensible to achieve what you have but I do think your being a little naïve and to keen to please him where the finances are concerned. You should have told him the full financial picture and asked him to pay half. Not offer a lower amount out of fear of his reaction. Also bare in mind, and im not sure exactly how the law works, that he COULD be entitled to some or all of your assets if you live together long enough and spilt up. You don't want to find three years down the line that you have to sell up to pay off this guy who has eaten you out of house and home.
As for saying you would have utility bills anyway, regardless of whether he is there or not, that is so naïve, adolescent and, quite frankly, taking the piss. No doubt if he lived with you he would run a three foot deep bath every night, leave lights blazing and want the heating on all day which YOU will have to pay for.
He is selfish, out of touch and deluded. You need to find a responsible adult as a boyfriend not a spoilt child.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 May 2014):
 Well done you for buying your own place so young when others struggle to find a deposit.
You are clearly poles apart from your boyfriend with him having no concept of the responsibility of buying/running a home. He has been spoilt by his parents and would be happy for you to pick up where they left off.
Don't move him in until he accepts the real world and proves he can survive alone.
Or simply find a responsible adult to date and build a future with, which is the wisest option.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 May 2014):
 Tell him before you are prepared to share a living space with him he needs to live on his own for six months, without any financial help from his parents. That is to
pay rent
pay utilities
buy his food
buy his toiletries
keep his living space (flat or rented room) clean
learn how to budget.
If he refuses to even consider this, he is still too young to leave his parent's nest and to fly on his own, he will simply be swapping one meal ticket and mummy for another.
As he is nearly 30 I doubt he would be capable, he has been raised to be taken care of and it might be too late for him to change.
Sadly, those parents who thought they were doing their kids a favour by not teaching them how much it costs to just live have done them no favours at all.
You might be better off giving this one a miss and finding somebody who DOES appreciate the true costs of living.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): "How do I change this?"
You don't.
You either accept that this is the way he is or you find a guy who shares your sense of financial responsibility.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 May 2014):
 The two key phrases in your submittal are these:
1. " I cannot fathom how it would possibly work...", and,
2. "...He is fantastic in every way except this...."
The first is fatal to any prospective "relationship".... and the second is you, deluding yourself....
Good luck. I hope you find a REAL prospective "boyfriend" next time...
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