A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for a year and our relationship, sex life was great or so I thought. I recently went out of town with some girlfriends and left a book of sexy pictures of myself out for him to enjoy while I was gone. When I came home I went on the computer to email the pics I had taken to my girlfriends and an article that I had read and promised to share with them. As I went through my computer history searching for the article I realized that my husband had gone on my facebook and searched through my friends list and found a girlfriend of mine. He had gone through the albums she had posted and masturbated to her pictures instead. I'm so hurt by all of this, my self esteem and trust in him are shattered. I feel as though i've been cheated on and just don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Well I don't think I could put up with that, I don't think I could bare being with someone who'd done that to be honest, I would seriously think hard about if you want to spend your life with this man.
It's one thing to have your self esteem ruined by a porn habbit, but to look at pictures of your friend, it more than wrong, and it's HIS problem. This is not normal and if that's normal marrital behaviour for him then I think he needs help. Not only are his actions akward for you and him, but you'll be upset around the friend to, that's such a cruel and uneccesarry thing to do.
Maybe you should show him how it feels and let him walk in on you masturbating to pictures of one of his friend.. Sounds childish but sometimes people need to know how it feels to be hurt in such a way..
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (12 April 2011):
I think most of what is going on is pretty normal, both in his behaviour and yours. I will look at them separately.Masturbation is the one area in which people who are in monogamous relationships can explore and express their sexual fantasies outside of the relationship, without it being considered a betrayal to their partners. It would be futile for you to try and control your husbands fantasy world, I am sure you would agree. I think it is also natural for there to be attraction, some of it sexual attraction, between a person and members of the opposite sex who they get to know in their lives. In your husbands case, this includes your female friends, his friends wives, female co-workers, the coffee shop girl, the waitresses at his favourite restaurants, the dental assistant, and any associated daughters and mothers. Remember, not all of this attraction is sexual in nature, but it will be there in varying ways, and in varying degrees. Your friend respresents someone that he is sexually attracted to, and your husband chose to express that through fantasy during masturbation. This is no different from teenage boys fantasizing about their friend's mom or sister, or men who fantasize about movie stars, models, or porn stars, the only difference is that this person is closer to home. I get the impression that that isn't what bothered you though, you were upset that he chose her and not you in his fantasy world. To that I would say, my masturbation time is the one time I wouldn't want to be thinking about my partner!! I like to use that time to explore my OTHER sexual fantasies, the ones which I don't actually want to live out in reality. From your side, I can understand how you feel let down and betrayed. You left him a gift of your sexuality, and he didn't take it, so you feel rejected. I can understand that. I think it can help to understand that you can't determine what your husband will choose to fantasize about, I know you would like it to be you, but it isn't always going to be. After all, that is the nature of fantasy. Why would you fantasize about the breakfast you eat every day, when you could dream of elabourate meals and feasts, or fantasize about your job you go to every day when you could dream of being a rock star, pirate, ceo, author, farmer, or whatever turns you on. I understand how you feel, and I think it is important that your husband understands how you feel, but I don't think your husband should censor or limit who or what he fantasizes in his private world, for you, so long as he is emotionally with you and committed to you in reality. It might also be useful for you to think about why you have such deep feelings and a strong reaction to your husband fantasizing about a friend of yours, as his behaviour really seems to have rocked your self esteem. Having your confidence and sense of self esteem at the mercy of your husband's fantasy world leaves you very vulnerable, and I would suggest your sense of happiness, wellbeing and confidence should not be determined by anyone else, even your life partner. Thinking about this could lead you into a rich area of growth, if you choose to look into it. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): Weird, weird, weird!Firstly - Why would you leave your husband some photos of yourself when you were gonna be back home soon enough?And secondly - why would you email the pics to your friend? Why on earth would SHE want to see them for?Maybe your husband doesn't want you leaving pictures for him - maybe he just wants the real thing instead!!To be honest - unless my partner was some super model and the photos were done professionally - I would probably just feel embarrassed by the pictures! - Have you ever thought of that?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 April 2011):
 Interesting one here. You left a sexy picture of yourself when you left for vacation, and then somehow knew he found a friend's picture and masturbated to it??
Was your giving him the picture because you know he has a porn addiction? Is that how you knew what he was doing with your friend's picture?
It sounds like this isn't the first time your trust was shaken in regards to either his messing with your friends or his fondness for porn.
If it's true that he did in fact masturbate to your friend's Facebook picture, that's nasty, and crossing a line. It's one thing to look at random plastic porn bombshells, but it's quite another to get off on someone you know and is close to your wife. GROSS.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the responses, here are some answers:The pictures I left were for him to see, I was trying to be playful with him, not in any way telling him 'those were the only pictures he could masturbate to'. I understand that men are 'visual' creatures and sometimes want to fantasize. I just feel that having a fantasy about a FRIEND of mine is WRONG!! I have talked about this with him, I asked him yesterday as soon as he got home and he apologized and told me that he loves me, is sorry, never wants to hurt me blah blah blah. My hurt and anger comes from the fact that I left him pictures of myself and he instead chose to look at pictures of my friend. I feel betrayed by the one person I never thought I would. The one person who you're supposed to feel confident around even at your lowest has crushed my self esteem, how does one recover from that?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): What? You left a book of sexy pictures of yourself when you went away. That's a bit unusual. Then you went to email the sexy pictures of yourself to other people...that's weird. And you went through the computer's history. Why? Were you checking up on him?
How do you know that your husband masturbated to pictures on facebook? Did he tell you that or have you assumed it?
It sounds like your husband needed some "relief" and instead of cheating or looking at porn he just went on Facebook and found a random sexy girl. I think you are being a bit jealous here. Why did you leave the pictures of yourself? Only you know if you were just being playful, or if you were actually saying "these are the only things you are allowed to masturbate to" which is controlling.
And he didn't even look at pornography. He looked at a picture on facebook and, presumably, used his imagination for the rest.
Leave the poor guy alone. Guys are visual creatures and pictures of girls turn them on. There are a lot worse things he could be looking at online than Facebook.
If I was him I would be asking why you (that seems to have problem with porn) have a porn portfolio you are distributing over the internet.
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A
female
reader, lovelyeyes +, writes (11 April 2011):
Whow do u know he masturbated while looking @ her pics? Maybe he was just going through some of her pics. U should confront him and see what he says and if u still feel like this I think u guys should atleast take a break and I think u should think about what your next step is while you take some time to yourself. I don't know if its called cheating or just a fantasy. Humans can't realy be guilty for having a fantasy either. I realy think u should confront him right away and tell him how u feel.
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female
reader, Gabry  +, writes (11 April 2011):
Hey there.... Thats pretty sad but i'll be the first to let you know it happens.
I however think that you should talk to your husband about what you think you found out.
Its better to get an explanation than to walk around angry, you're only hurting yourself. Arrange a date with him and tell him how you feel, dont shout or act up, just be composed... Good luck!
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A
male
reader, thomas1214  +, writes (11 April 2011):
how do you know he ... did that while looking at those pictures
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