A
female
age
30-35,
*mjo
writes:I've not felt like this for a while but I'm starting to think I'm not good enough. My boyfriend reassures me that I am however there's something in the back of my mind that's screaming 'you're not his type'. Do people really have a type? and if so should I really be considering changing myself (or more the way I look) in order to feel happier? Its really getting me down. I care for him a lot and dont want to loose him however I feel so sad atm... Reply to this Question
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male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Emjo,
I think you have pretty much hit the nail on the head. You just need to remember that although he may not vocalise it as much - something you seem to like - I am totally sure your new boyfriend is just as into you as your old one and that besides you dont need him to tell you that in any case because your everything you want to be for yourself.
A
female
reader, Emjo +, writes (14 June 2011):
Emjo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your advice. I can see what you mean about my own insecurities and I think these stem from my last breakup. I was in a relationship where the boy treat me as if i was the only person in the world and was always complementing me. Because my new boyfriend is different (which is a good thing!) and he's less vocal with his compliments I feel that he doesnt think these things, therefore making me wonder what I'm doing wrong.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 People have a preference or type... well some do. When I look at men and think... ohhh he's attractive, the body type is usually big, tall and stocky... not fat, not muscular.... solid... so my "type" is big tall guys... so how come the love of my life is short and almost underweight? Because while i have a TYPE... I am not RIGID about it.
I know how you feel about not being good enough.... my BF is a perfectionist who prefers young tiny Asian women and I can never ever measure up. I am not young, I am not Asian, I am not tiny... nowhere near close.... and I told him "I am not good enough to make you happy" and he proceeded to roll off a list of things that make him happy and why he chooses to be with me... NONE of them had anything to do with looks.... which fade and change... but all had to do with personality, intelligence, interests, etc... and those are the things where he's happy because I am just what he was looking for....
Have I changed for him. Yes... but only things I wanted to change anyway.....
Only make changes for yourself and accept that while we may not be someone's "type" we may be their match.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): You want to change because you're not satisfied with yourself. It sounds like you have some real insecurities to deal with. From what you say, he really likes you and the worry you have is all on you... But this attitude could push him away. I'd consider some soul searching, maybe some therapy, and just aiming to improve.. for yourself, not him. He's already happy.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (13 June 2011):
Emjo,Well first things first, its good that your boyfriend is reassuring you. Obviously, I would say that the problem is with your own self-image so thats we need to work in. You say you feel your 'not his type', as in, do you mean your not good enough? People may have a type but I dont think its set in stone. I mean, generally, I don't go for blondes but if I met a really cracking women who happened to be blonde I wouldn't go 'oh no I cant possibly be with them because they are blonde' because I would like to think i'm not a shallow person. No you should not consider changing yourself just to make somebody else happy. If they cant love you for who you are then they dont deserve you. End of. Having said all that....I get the sense here the issue is more with your self-image than with your boyfriend and that is something you do have to address, the root causes of why you dont love you. Without talking to you more I obviously cant ascertain what they are. Good luck and take care :)xx
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A
female
reader, armyofme +, writes (13 June 2011):
It's a cliche - but in order to feel loved you really do have to love yourself first! Just the way you are. I understand that if you feel insecure it can be difficult to see the good things about yourself, but trust me there are many! Perhaps you could try making a list of your better qualities - maybe you are especially kind, thoughtful, hard working etc. This may help you to stop focusing on the negative.As for looks, people go for all kinds of things - seeing as your boyfriend is with you the chances are his tastes are for a girl just like you! Beware of generalising about a man's tastes from their friend's taste in women, lad's mags they might read etc - many men feel the need to go along with a certain setereotype when around other men to be "one of the lads", but in fact have rich and varied individual tastes.Remember that ultimately he chooses to be with you as you are - the chances are he wouldn't change you for the world!
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (13 June 2011):
 I do think that people do have a type that they do prefer. Now the thing is that the person who is perceiving the typed prefered by their partner is usually not what the person actually feels. Sometimes it can be close but alot of the time it tends to focus on the stereotyped media girls rather then what he actually wants to be with.
Try to remember that he is telling you he wants to be with you and that he is not lying. I think that you are thinking his type is not you when really your missing the reason why he is with you which is because he is in love with who you are.
If you want to change for yourself I'm sure that he would support you but I'm telling you exactly what he would say and that is you are perfect the way you are and that is why he is with you.
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A
female
reader, X..X..TASHAR..X..X +, writes (13 June 2011):
 I dont think you should change i think you should be yourself if he really loves you he wil love you for who you really are. However if he doesnt you should leave him as he aint worth it if he exspects you to change and if that does happen yes it will hurt but time will heal it and one day you will find someone who loves you for you and you will be perfect for each other.
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A
female
reader, MissBlackNo1  +, writes (13 June 2011):
Voice your fears and insecurities with him. Communication is one of the key factors in a healthy relationship. It sounds as though you have low self esteem, try thinking why you have low self esteem and work on improving it as it will only get you down and I know from experience that it's a tough thing to do but if you love each other then I don't see a reason why you shouldn't be able to get through this as long as your boyfriend's supportive (which, to me, he sounds like he is).Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Oh I know the feeling sweets. It sucks. Basically it boils down to, are you over thinking it? If he seems unhappy then he probably is. If he acts happy then you have to assume he is happy. Its his call to determine if you are right for him!! :)
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