A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Its' my birthday today. A milestone. A special one. I've had a tear in my eye most of the day – not because I have reached 40 but because I feel so let down and now I'm feeling that maybe I'm being unreasonable, selfish and ungrateful.Situation 1.My parther and I have been dating for 3 years. For those 3 years he has told me he wanted to take me to Paris for this birthday. I asked him two weeks ago if we were going and he said No, he didnt have the finances as his road tax and road insurance is up this month. I can understand if he didn't have the money but he's known about this for 3 years. He's talked about it for 3 years. He asked me yesterday what I wanted so I suggested a certain piece of jewellery (£60) from a certain shop. He said he'd see what he could do but he wasn't promising anything! Turns out they didnt have it in stock so he didn't get it. He got me a bunch of flowers and put a '40' banner up in my house.Situation 2.My daughter asked me what I wanted and I told her I'd like a certain kind of perfume (£40). When I opened my gift this morning, she had got me an unknown perfume (£10) and a jar of face cream (£35) ! Situation 3.My sister and my Dad put money together to buy me an expensive watch. My sister asked me when I wanted my gift. I asked her if she could bring it to me before she went to work at 12pm – she said No. We are meeting up on Sunday for some lunch so she said she would give me it then. 4 days later.Situation 4.My 2 work colleagues wished me a happy birthday. No card. No nothing. So for my 40th birthday I have received a bunch of flowers, a £10 bottle of unknown perfume and a jar of £35 face cream ! I feel so let down. I went out of my way at Christmas for my partner. I got him everything he wanted/asked for. I'm so upset that he could tell me he's taking me to Paris and now I don't even have a gift from him. For my daughters birthday I bought her exactly what she asked for – a Pandora bracelet – and a certain celebrity perfume – I brought home 2 samples of the perfume and asked her which one it was she wanted. My sister asked me a few months ago to collect a doctors prescription for her before I went to work – I did – I even collected the pills for her the following day before my work and hand delivered it to her after my work. I was the only one in our office to buy my colleagues a gift at christmas – they said they didn't know we were exchanging gifts !Is it me ? Am I being totally unreasonable, selfish and ungrateful ? I feel as if I go out of my way for everyone and no-one can be bothered when it comes to me. I have felt so let down all day. I don't normally care for birthdays but it's my 40th. I haven't seen any of my family and I won't see them till Sunday. Today I phoned up a spa retreat and I have booked myself in for two nights starting tomorrow. I am going alone. I feel so sad.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 Normally I don't follow up on old posts, but I happened to be going through some and came across this one. The irony was just too obvious not to comment on, on the off chance you'll ever check this.
Your submission was about taking the time to do things for others and feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. Kind of like how you treated us here.
Several people took the time and gave considerable thought to your dilemma and how to help you with it. I guess you were too busy crying to notice.
No worries. You wouldn't be the first.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (1 February 2013):
To be honest, I have to agree with you that you're being a bit unrealistic here.
I don't put much stock in people's big plans. Not out of cynicism, but an understanding that many people like to dream out loud and sometimes get carried away. I would have assumed there would be no Paris trip until we had worked out specfic dates and I saw the plane tickets.
However, to go from a trip to Paris, to jewellery to flowers and a birthday banner is rather crass. This tells me your boyfriend is more of a dreamer than a doer. Like a small boy telling his mother he'll buy her a mansion for her birthday. Big plans that seldom come to fruition. I wouldn't rag on him for it, or try to fix him, but I would start to disengage myself and be open to a new relationship with someone more mature and responsible.
Your daughter's gift is a perfectly reasonable one (comical implications of the face cream aside). Some of these inexpensive, unknown perfumes can be quite nice. You may learn to love them in time. I would accept it graciously.
Gift giving and favour granting are not always acts of generosity. They are often a means of manipulating others into doing or giving you what you want. This was clearly the case with your colleague. You encumbered them with the obligation of reciprocatig without ever considering if they were in a position to do so. And if they're going to make your birthday special, should they not do the same for other colleagues? Close neighbours, friends and relatives? Surely you can see how taxing that would be not only financially but mentally.
There is a big difference between prescription medication and a birthday gift. One is clearly more pressing than the other. Your father and sister pooled their money to buy you an expensive watch and presenting it you when you get together for lunch is perfectly reasonable and appropriate. Again, I would accept the gift graciously.
I don't encourage people to buy me presents. It places obligations on everyone. On them to save money and figure out what I want and on me to pretend I like it and reciprocate when it's their birthday. A Facebook post, a text, email or telephone message wishing me a Happy Birthday is good enough (but again, not manadatory), especially if they don't expect an immediate response.
When specifically asked what I want, by those with whom I'm close enough to exchange presents, I give them a small list of ideas of inexpensive, generic items that can be found anywhere. No one owes me presents and if someone is going to the trouble and the expense, the courteous thing to do is make it as easy as possible for them.
Specific things I want I tend to buy myself. That way I know I'll get exactly what I want without giving someone else unnecessary stress.
It's a shame that you've spent your special day crying. Totally unneccesary. Ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness, even on your birthday. So don't leave it up to others to make or break the day for you. Conversely, be more realistic and reasonable in what you do for others and when. You should not be put out, but you shouldn't expect to put others out either.
Be grateful for what you have, change what you can and accept what you can't with grace.
And please enjoy the rest of your day. Happy 40th.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (1 February 2013):
 I can think of many birthdays where I have cried and felt disappointed. It's the one day of the year we all get a bit selfish and want something nice for ourselves. Unfortunately you can give the most amazing presents and go out of your way for others and that is no guarantee they will do it back. You live your life by your standards and morals and they live by theirs. Giving is still rewarding when you get nothing back.
My solution is normally to treat myself to the present I want so I know I get something I really like regardless of what other people get me!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 February 2013):
 The first thing that stuck out to me from your post was the fact that you listed how much everyone is spending or the costs of what you wanted. Clearly to me this indicates that you place a value on your worth and friendship and that ‘it’s the thought that counts” does not apply. I do however think you are making a bigger deal out of this than you need to and it’s upsetting you unnecessarily.
40 is a big birthday congrats…. My hubby turns 40 in June and I’m trying to come up with something to do for him…. Me, I’m going to be 53 next month… NBD… if I don’t get cards or phone calls (much like last year my kids could not even manage to call me for my birthday)… it doesn’t make it any less special that I survived another year…. And I’m healthy enough to be employed and have a nice home and friends…. Truth is , the person who should be given gifts is my MOTHER, she’s the one who remembers the birthday… she’s the one who labored to produce me. I sadly lost my mom at 35. I would trade EVERY gift in the world to have my mother back or to have my oldest son be a normal child (he’s autistic in a group home)
As for situation #1…. I so would not have waited two weeks before my birthday to ask about such a momentous trip… I would have at least six months ago been on his back about the planning… and then he could have explained that with the economy the way it is that the trip is not going to happen. He clearly has priorities (insurance and necessary bills have to trump extravagant gifts) but he should have told you as soon as he knew that this trip wasn’t happening that it was not happening.
He asked what you wanted and you told him ONE thing… you did not give him options and he could not think for himself… knowing he had already disappointed you greatly and you probably cried and were all upset, he was afraid to make it worse so instead of doing something wrong he did not try to find this specific piece somewhere else or order it and give you a slip saying it was on order (although with the way you reacted to Situation 3 I doubt you would have responded well to that)
He got you flowers and put up a banner at your house… at least he did something. HE at least acknowledged your birthday that’s more than some folks do.
As for Situation 2…. Your daughter asked what you wanted. She got you two items in a timely fashion… I do not know how old your daughter is but I’m assuming she’s under 20…. I think she did well… not sure if the face cream bothers you or not but if my kids went out and got me my face creams they are a chunk of change… again, she acknowledged your birthday but at her age she has no clue how important 40 is to you… to her 40 is SO OLD…
Situation 3, I think you are being outrageously selfish. Your dad and your sister purchased an expensive watch for you (I’m assuming you requested this as well) and while she did ask you when you wanted it, if you asked me to drop a gift off to you on my way to work, you would be told, that it’s not a convenient time for me could we do it after work or on the weekend. Yes it’s four days past your birthday but why is it SO important that it be exactly on your birthday… do we need to do it at the exact time you emerged from your mother’s body?
Situation 4, what did you want them to do? A gift? A party? A cake? What do YOU do for their birthdays. The fact that they wished you a happy birthday was nice. What is the standard at your office for birthdays?
We tend to always look for excuses to party in my office… birthdays are not an exception and we have cake or cookies and everyone may or may not sign a card. There is no sunshine fund and it’s hit or miss… some folks get bigger celebrations if we know they are really into food and such…
You are thoughtful and considerate and go out of your way to please people and do what they want. Is this for you or for them?
I do think it’s you. I think you are a caregiver and a people pleaser and you expect everyone else to be exactly the same as you. Most folks are not.
Enjoy your spa retreat. You have your sister close to you, you have your dad close to you, you have work colleuges and family close to you… you feel alone because you did not have your desires met by others….. but you are the one who has to be responsible for your feelings not anyone else.
My dad lives very far away. I see him maybe once a year and talk to him about once a week. My kids, only call when they need/want something… my husband… does not believe in hearts and flowers and gifts… you have family and friends around and the ability to afford a weekend away at a spa (not cheap).. there are folks of our age who are struggling to put food on the table to feed their family.
DO NOT define your life or your happiness by the behaviors of others but rather by if you have lived a life you are proud of.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): I was fifty last year and my husband had booked my favourite hotel for the event. I was sooo looking forward to it, bought clothes make up etc. A few months before it he cancelled the booking because he said he then didn't have enough money to treat me as his business was going through a rough patch and if he didn't cancel he would lose his deposit. I felt this action very hard to forgive as he obviously knew I was going to be 50 for ages! I have organised , planned and done sll sorts of special things for him over the years so I was quite upset.
I think all you can do is personally put yourself first. I harboured resentment over the birthday thing and to be honest have not been as generous and held back on my husband's birthday because I still feel very angry. Really buy yourself something just for you but continue being nice to all others as then you have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. If they don't want to behave in the same way or think about others that is down to them but you are behaving properly and have the upper hand. Treat youself to something and spoil yourself. Don't be upset about it.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Firstly, Happy Birthday for today.
People say that life begins at 40, so tomorrow should be even better.
Unfortunately, you have set yourself up for major disappointment on your 'big day'. It is nice and lovely and romantic to think that everyone around you would have made your 40th their top priority over the last few weeks, but real life is nothing like what is in your mind.
It is very interesting how you carefully note the costs of all the gifs you received. Why would you do that? Were you expecting gifts worth thousands? People will buy whatever they feel is appropriate and spend what they feel is affordable. You can't force someone to spend their own money on you. If the price of each gift had an extra zero on the end, would you feel any better? It sounds like you would.
It doesn't matter what you do for other people, giving time or gifts doesn't mean that you should automatically receive the same level of reciprocation. Nor should it. You CHOSE to give and be helpful. Your work colleagues and family have CHOSEN to use their resources on other projects, personal to them.
Remember that each of us is different, so no-one on this planet thinks exactly the same thoughts as you do. I do not know ANYONE in this day and age who plans a birthday celebration three years in advance. There are too many variables. Paris was a nice thought, but not going doesn't mean he loves you less. It just shows he did not prioritise his money, or make sufficient plans to take you. He had better get you SOMETHING though.
In the great scheme of things, you are 40, healthy, and blessed with a daughter.
That is far more than the majority of 40 year old women have in many parts of the world.
My youngest sister celebrated her 40th in the High Court, with her son who suffers from cerebral palsy, fighting for his life in a wheelchair next to her, while we all appealed a life sentence for another one of our nephews. It's all perception isn't it.
I personally prefer to give gifts, and see the joy in someone else's face, than receive presents. I have a massive family, and I do my best to get the 'right' gift on birthdays and at Christmas. But my siblings and I feel the same way - grateful when we actually get something!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): I can’t give you advice, but I wanted to comment that I am exactly the same. It’s my birthday this month and I am beginning to feel the same way. I am one of those people who remember birthdays and put money aside in advance to buy a gift, I put research into gifts, as I always think how I would like to feel on my birthday if I got that gift, but when it comes to my birthday, it is full of disappointment and I only feel deflated, you would think by now I would have learnt from my mistakes but I keep doing it. I think by going away you have done the right thing, it’s just annoying that you had to come to that conclusion after you’ve experienced what you have. This year I have decided not to remind anyone, I have booked tickets to my favourite concert and plan to go with the person who remembers, and tell everyone that I only wish to spend it with those who make me feel acknowledged. It not about being materialistic, it’s the principle of the matter, like you, I guess you don’t demand anything much in general and feel that this day only comes once a year, why can’t people make an effort, we are not asking for much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): On my 40th my then husband arranged for me to go stop with an old friend as a surprise because he had made plans for a lads sport weekend. I was upset he didnt even want to spend my birthday with me just pack me off elsewhere.
I ended up having to do emergency cover at work.He bought me jewellry,it was beautiful and my birthstone.Took me for a meal the next weekend.I had other presents and cards too.
You got flowers and a banner,he should not have promised Paris though,but situations change,finances are stretched. Your daughter GOT perfume,maybe she thought you would like expensive face cream,its a treat.Waiting for your sisters is no biggy,your all going for a nice lunch anyway on Sunday,something to look forward to.
You can afford 2 days at a Spa to treat yourself so your not exactly going without or poor, it will make you feel good, a pampering,enjoy it.Then look forward to Sunday
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): Your expectations are too high and they haven't been communicated. To others this may just be another birthday for you, or perhaps something they shouldn't bring up.
Would you have been happy if they had made a big deal of it?
I do agree about the Paris trip but I think this just means your partner is a poor planner. I hope things turn out better for you. Please go to the spa happy, not sad. Be happy you can afford a spa.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Your boyfriend is a pill for promising a trip to Paris for the past three years and then coming up with a bunch of flowers after he was unable to deliver the alternative. Tell him firmly (but without getting upset) it was very wrong of him to be making promises for three years without thinking about whether he would be able to deliver or not, and he should not have asked you what you wanted instead of the trip if he wasnt able to deliver on that either. I hope the flowers look nice stuck up his left nostril!
Regift the perfume to your thoughtless daughter. It might make her think next time.
When your sister asks you to get her scripts filled tell her "yes of course,when can you get the script to me?" and then deliver the pills next weekend, when you were catching up anyway.
As for gifts for colleagues, workplace gift giving is always fraught with peril, sit down about 3 months before Christmas as a group next time and discuss between you all if gifts are to be exchanged, if there will be a limit on value, if fun gifts are preferred or if simply sharing morning tea or a lunch is preferred. Secret santas are fun if the workplace has enough staff.
You are at this point because that is where you allowed things to go, don't sit and stew, let your boyfriend know how you feel. I hope you enjoy the spa, and that next year people may have got the message.
For this year, from me to you, Birthday Greetings, peace and light and a better 12 months ahead!
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A
female
reader, chinana  +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Dear OP, I think it is better to give and not expect much in return. If you do stuff for people expecting them to reciprocate with the same enthusiasm as you then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. It would have been sweet if you boyfriend managed to provide the trip he promised to Paris but people are people they get caught up in their daily routines and sometimes forget to return the favour and some will show you love and appreciation in their own way even though it might not meet your standards. Just try not to take it to heart.
In future whether its for your birthday or not, take time out to pamper yourself and put yourself first do the things that make you happy. Like the spa retreat is a way to go, if you want a trip to Paris then arrange for one too as a late belated gift for yourself. Enjoy the rest of your birthday OP.
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A
female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (1 February 2013):
 I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. I am 20 years old and try to give my mom a few things she has mentioned she wanted in the months prior to her birthday. We usually go out to dinner too. If I am away I send her a card and a gift card to her favorite place. My brother on the other hand doesn't do anything, no phone call, card, nothing. I think you should enjoy that spa treatment and do everything you can to relax and enjoy yourself. You sound like a very nice woman. Why not when everyone else's birthday rolls around try to keep it at minimal with the gifts this time. I use to be the same as you, always getting what other's asked for and giving gifts with no exchange. Once I stopped I felt better though, it made me not be so disappointed when someone gave me something that was cheap or I didn't want. Enjoy your milestone!!! Congratulations! I can assure you one day you will make it to Paris!! Happy birthday!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Don't take this as a sign that you love them more and they love you less. It would also look like you are not as important to them. The truth is that they probably think very highly of you because you are dependable.
Good for you for treating yourself nice. You deserve that spa treatment. In your situation I would be happy that I am reliable and do things I promise. I can afford things that people want. I am a serious person and get things done. When you do things for people it's because you want them to be happy.
I am like you too. I am too literal to slack when it comes to gifts and services. I don't dream and don't express that dream when I don't have the means to afford that dream.
Your boyfriend is willing to spend 60 pounds on you so you could suggest another gift that you are sure is available in stores. Your party is 4 days away so you don't have to give up on the gift from your boyfriend yet.
Is it possible that the things you ask for are hard to get or are your folks just lazy and clueless?
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