A
female
age
30-35,
*erryelizabeth
writes:Hello all,I live with my father and I'm eighteen. I suffer with incredibly bad anxiety and depression caused by both of my parents and my long term ex boyfriend (we were together for four years) which renders me completely non-independant and I struggle to be on my own anywhere without panicking or feeling really down. I have been in a psychiatric unit for it, but it didn't help.The problem I have is that my father is emotionally abusive and literally drains every single ounce of energy I have by being judgemental, spiteful, cruel, not to mention sexist, homophobic and racist, all of which I disagree with to the point of us screaming at each other. One of the examples I have is that he feels it's okay to stand there calling me a "f*****g b***h who will never amount to anything and will die alone and unhappy", when I try and defend myself by politely saying that I'm not that, he'll start screaming at me even more and saying that I'm the worst of his children.Living with my mother is out of the question, but I can't live on my own or in a house share because I'm terrified of living without a guardian. It gives me panic attacks. I've tried around seven types of therapy and eight different antidepressants and so far nothing has helped. I need to move out but I can't. Please someone help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): First of all, you are to be applauded for realizing that you need to get away from your abusive father, and taking the initiative to seek help such as by posting here.You have been a victim of long term abuse, which has really messed you up as that's what abuse does to people. you need to get away from the abusive environment permanently.It sounds like going back to the psychiatric unit is a good next step. Living on your own is something you WILL eventually do and feel OK with, but right now that's like, 10 steps away. You've already taken the first step which is reaching out to others such as by posting this. I think the next step should be doing what you feel most comfortable with which also gets you away from your father, such as going to the psychiatric unit. Then just take it from there, one day at a time.You are very strong, you have already overcome the biggest hurdle which is REJECTING the abuse, separating yourself mentally from it and refusing to roll over and take it anymore. You clearly are functional because you are in school and you have a job, that's amazing. Your past therapies and medication will start to work better once you are out of your abusive home. No amount of therapy or medication can cure being subjected to abuse, so don't feel like they failed, clearly the therapies and medications HELPED because here you are, taking a stand against the abuse, rejecting it, thinking ahead to the future, and reaching out for help. You will get better once you are out of your abusive environment and with the proper medical and therapeutic relationships. So get yourself into the psychiatric unit and take charge of your life! You should also find and join support groups - both online and in the real world. The psychiatric unit should provide you with resources and support groups. good luck!!
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 So basically, although you are aware of the supported transitional accomodation I am referring to in the UK I think you may be under-estimating the good this accomodation would provide for you.
It would give you the breathing space to find out just how much more you are capable of. Living in the eye of the storm of a emotionally and verbally abusive other person means that your confidence is being eroded every day. So as hard as you try your father is making things worse.
At least discuss things with your Doctor re your health and discuss your options with a person at the Citizen's Advice Bureau (CAB).
There may even be other subsidies and support available that you are unaware of at the moment to improve your situation and which the CAB staff could suggest and help you obtain..
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 February 2013):
please try to visit your nearest Citizen's Advice Bureau (CAB) in the United Kingdom (UK) as I think they will be able to help you. Because I think your situation may help you qualify for Emergency assistance to escape what is an intolerable situation.
Your father is emotionally and verbally abusive. Completely unacceptable. His behaviour is no doubt undermining your confidence and your self esteem. His behaviour is driving you out of the home you share.
Yet you have the intelligence, drive and motivation to seek out and hold down a part time job. All a credit to you. Well done.
You can't live with your Mom. Would that perhaps indicate health issues. In any case that option is off the table.
You have had health issues and have been admitted for psychiatric care. Be honest about this to CAB staff as it will help them to help you.
Living away from home bothers seems worrisome as you feel you would like a guardian present - well this is pertinent and will help the CAB staff to understand your needs.
In the UK there is a wonderful system of transitional supported accomodation that is tailor made for your situation.
There are purpose build appartments where a Social Worker lives on the premises and there are three other bedrooms each allocated to a younger person, like you, who cannot live at home, but also needs some support to live semi-independant accomodation. The kitchens are purpose built to suit clients, especially those who might get depresssed and extra sad. Be prepared for a waiting list to access this transitional accomodation because the wait will be worth it and you will even end up with some money for yourself as this accomodation is government supported in the UK.
The CAB people can also help you to negotiate how the system works and how it can better assist you. There may even be a situation where they can help you get your things out of your father's home and not have to do that alone.
The fact that you have a part time job also shows initiative and motivation on your part. That you can get and continue in a job is all to your credit - Well done.
In that supported accomodation i referred to above, these supported appartments also includes a resident on-site social worker who will assist you to learn more life skills and grow as a person. And there will be two other younger persons living in this supported transitional accomodation I am referring to in the UK
Away from your abusive father you may be surprised at how your confidence grows, and how you will Start to rebuild your life.
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A
female
reader, kerryelizabeth +, writes (1 February 2013):
kerryelizabeth is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies, they've really helped. In some ways I feel like I'm completely blowing everything out of proportion and that it's normal to talk to your kids like this... and that maybe I deserve it in some ways. I'm not really a model child. I'm a straight A student who's never smoked, ever touched drugs, I don't sleep around, I don't drink or party, I've never stayed out late and I've never ever been in trouble with the police. And yet he sees me like the worst sort of child there is. There has to be a reason for that, surely?...
In the UK there is a thing called Supported Housing, which is basically living in a block of flats with a mental health assistant or nurse there 24/7 in case you ever need her, but in a way I feel like I'm not even ready for that. I'd be so scared on my own and can see myself just spiralling downwards. Part of me wonders whether I'd benefit going back to a psychiatric unit for a little while.
I am currently in school and I do have a part time job, although all of these give my dad more ammunition to use against me. I earn around £80 a month, of which dad takes every penny for rent, which I don't mind because he doesn't work and he doesn't get any child benefit for me, but then he complains that it's not ever enough and I go without dinner frequently because dad doesn't shop or cook and is always complaining that I'm costing him too much, and that if I don't start to contribute more I'll be out on the streets.
I feel like I'm trapped somewhere I don't want to be, and I don't know how to get out. I appreciate that becoming more independant will build my self esteem, but I don't have enough self esteem or confidence to take that initial plunge into living on my own. It's that courage that I need to muster and why I came here for help. Jonas, I'm sorry to hear about your difficult past, but you have given me some hope that it will get better one day.
CMMP, thank you so much for your kind words. I know I need to leave here and get out of this toxic environment but it really is just mustering that courage to do it. But thank you so very much for your support, it means more than you could ever realise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): There is no magic pill to help you. You have low self-esteem. What better way to build it up by slowly becoming more independent- going to school, getting a job... Moving out into a warm and friendly house share environment. I did this at age 17- moved out, went to university while on student loans/working... Away from my father. It was scary as hell and took a good 8 years to get over everything, but now at 30 I'm in a great place. I hope you can do the same.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 February 2013):
I wish I knew of a better way than this. You say you're terrified of living without a guardian... but what kind of a guardian is your worthless dad?
I don't know much about how they do things in the UK, but I'd guess there are programs for people in your situation that can help you get out.
Sometimes facing your fears is the best way to overcome them. Living on your own is actually pretty easy, once you can get used to it you'll be quite a bit happier.
I worry that the longer you stay with your father the further he'll drag you down to the depths of mental illness with him.
Remember that you're a lot stronger than you realize. The fact that you had the upbringing you did and you aren't completely out of your mind is testament to that. You are capable of doing things even if your head tells you that you're not.
Good luck!
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