A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner now for almost 3 years (on and off). About 6 months ago I left him for 3 months then gave the relationship another try, I did truly miss him and my heart did linger for him only. He is 38 years old and I am 24, I live with my parents still and he owns his own house, he maintains a very well career and is successful at what he does. While the 2 ½ years that we spent as a couple I still “lived” at home with my parents, I did go thru a faze where I was “staying” at his house with him, I by all means didn’t move all my stuff in, rather just kept packing a bag. His former partner broke up with him right before I met him, they were together for 4 years and engaged, they bought this house together. He now owns it by himself. I feel like he loves for me to “stay” the night there all the time, but he won’t and hasn’t ever said to me, he wants me to move in with him and make it official. He tells me I am who he wants to marry and have children with, but its like when is he going to be ready for it??? I want to get on with my dreams (Getting married, living with my partner, having kids) We have now been back together now for 3 months and I am always making it known that I will not stick around and wait forever for him to get into gear with taking this relationship to the next level. I believe that with women we like “commitment” and it isn’t like he is 24 years old, his clock should be a-ticking away. Should I keep waiting or end the relationship for good because he cant seem to show me he is willing to make a full commitment as a man should do?? With that said, I would never want to be married and one day my husband tells me he isn’t happy because he felt he had to rush into getting married and such. What do I do???
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 why has the relationship been 'on and off'? is it coz of this commitment issue or other things? if you keep leaving over other arguments then i can see why he would be reluctant to marry you/move you in.
he is getting what he wants, a part-time girlfriend AND time on his own. men don't have the same clock as we do and the reason for this is that they remain fertile even into old age!
nagging. threatening and begging him to give you more commitment is not going to work if anything it will do the opposite, why would he want a nagger to move in with him?? if he really wanted to marry you or move you in he would have done it already (despite what he says about you being the one he wants all that stuff with - look at his actions, not his words)
you need to ask him once and for all - 'are you wasting my time?' remember his last relationship ended after they moved in together, maybe that has put him off living with a woman again. he may think its just not for him, so if that the case he needs to be honest with you, not string you along by telling you that he wants to marry and have kids with you
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 Dating and playing the field = free food for you.
Playing house on the weekend = free sex for him.
I think one of you is already playing games and winning, but thank God you aren't willing to compromise yourself.
If you are always willing to let him make up all the rules in your mutual relationship, then you are always going to be compromising what it is you actually want and stated - marriage. My advice on the intentions that came across in your original letter? I think you should tell him you want an open relationship and date other men; at least you will be leveling out your playing field that you are both on right now.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (16 August 2011):
 ""(No nagging, no complaining, no fighting, no thinking what if, and am I really meant to be with him) but the second I get back to work after that weekend and I am back at home. ""
The only person making you unhappy is you. Getting married is not going to soothe your anxiety.
You are ONLY 24, you havent shown that you can be independant and follow thru, you have only been with him again for 3 mos, etc.
He is not ready and has no obligation to propose. Men's clocks do not tick. They do not have that biological push that women do. However, if you push too hard to get to the destination, you will ruin the journey..and perhaps find yourself right back where you are started.
If I were in your shoes, I would move out of Mom and Dads, house, finish college, and stop looking at my bf as the White Knight.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): "The next time he asks for a 'sleepover' (booty call) - don't go! Instead; tell him you have a date! And then go on one!!!"
I have to say I feel this is really bad advice. It is manipulative, advocates playing mental games, and worst of all is a trust killer. I'm sorry, but a couple doesn't NEED to be wearing rings to be faithful and committed to each other. If there's an understanding of exclusivity, then going on a date with someone else will only undermine the relationship... it will do absolutely nothing to advance it!
OP, you already know what your ammunition is - threaten to break up again! 3 years really is long enough, and this guy is plenty old enough to know what he wants by now. If you are after a proposal that's the way to motivate this guy. Make him decide, and do it the right way. Be straight with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I failed to mention anything about my own life. I have about 4 years of college under my belt, however have not gone back to wrap things up. I am a manager for a construction company and have been doing so for about 6 years. While I do still live at home with my parents, I really don’t feel like being by myself every second, I absolutely can’t stand the thought of moving in with my girl friends, I am too finicky about things. I don’t want to deal with girls having parties or late nights, or someone can’t come up with rent so now it’s on my credit score. Yada yada yada….. I have been saying all the time lately to him that so many of the people I know are getting married, having their 2nd or even 3rd child already, I say, “When will that ever be me?” Quite frankly I know that NO man responds to a girl nagging and nagging, but I can’t hold in how I feel. I know if I were to leave him again he would absolutely fall apart, he told me he WILL never let me go again. The funny thing is when I really think about it, when I stay with him for say a weekend I am so happy we really are good together. I feel like when I feel an ounce of commitment I am on cloud 9 (No nagging, no complaining, no fighting, no thinking what if, and am I really meant to be with him) but the second I get back to work after that weekend and I am back at home. Then all that negative crap comes to my head and I am back to being un-happy and questioning things. What I am trying to say here is that I feel like, let’s say I was married to him and living together I wouldn’t have any worries or doubts that he is willing to make me his for always. My problems now are that if he is and will be willing to make the “commitment”….. If you give someone what they have been hurting over for so long then the hurt will go away, right? As for the advice birdynumnums gave. Gosh, I love what you have to say, except 1 thing. I can’t date someone else while still keeping my current relationship going, and for one reason. I would not want him to do that to me. For me it has to be an all or nothing deal we are either fully committed to each other or no relationship. I don’t want to make him “jealous” because to me that is just game playing in a way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): Birdynummums said,
"This guy wants all the benefits of a wife but is gun shy after his last break up. That's not your problem. You KNOW he is capable of a proposal, he's done it before."
I think that is about like saying that a woman must be willing to do any sexual act with you just because she did it with someone else previously. Once a person has done something with one partner they have forfeited their option to ever refuse to do it in the future, is that it?
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 You say "I am always making it known that I will not stick around and wait forever for him to get into gear with taking this relationship to the next level."
Words are just that, words. He's not going to believe you unless you act on them.
So, put these words into action and see what happens. You'll know soon enough what he really wants.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (16 August 2011):
 1. You have been together for 3 years, BUT it's on and off relationship. Look at it objectively, why would anyone want to propose when they're in an unstable relationship? Perhaps you should examine why you have been breaking up and who has been initiating the break ups.
2. You're 24 and living at home. Do you have a job, a career? Clearly you're not on equal footing, since he is significantly older with an established career and life. I know this may seem harsh, but you two have nothing in common in terms of real adult living. He could simply be interested in your youth and beauty.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 August 2011):
 Good advice from birdynumnums. I would add this: don't spend too much more time waiting for this man to commit to you. If in say, six months, after you back off and give him the chance to chase you, he still hasn't proposed, I think you'd be well advised to let him go and free yourself up to meet someone else.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (16 August 2011):
The next time he asks for a 'sleepover' (booty call) - don't go! Instead; tell him you have a date! And then go on one!!!
This guy wants all the benefits of a wife but is gun shy after his last break up. That's not your problem. You KNOW he is capable of a proposal, he's done it before.
Make yourself less available and LET HIM CHASE YOU. Don't talk about marriage, don't talk about moving in, let him 'figure it out' for himself. Just don't be so flexible and always compliant with his wishes! Don't be constantly willing to compromise yourself and what YOU want the relationship to be.
Giving in, hanging around and sleeping with him when he wants it isn't getting you any closer to getting a commitment from him. If it's going to happen at all, you need to give him some space. He needs to see that you are a free woman and that you ARE looking for a commitment, even if that means dating other men. If you are dating other available guys, and that's what single girls do, he can't blame you if you don't have a ring on your finger.
If you really want to marry him, do NOT move in. He sounds like he really is in a rut and I doubt that living with him is going to make him propose! He would have you as his common law spouse and who needs a piece of paper after that?
If you are gun shy about starting this new attitude - get out of the city for a week and start acting differently when you come back. And then stick to your guns about the sleepovers and keep dating. Either he makes a decision or you meet a new guy who will! Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): Why do you still live with your parents? Do you have a career? A college degree? Your own business?
Men are very hesitant to commit to women who they think they will have to parent. Commitment is important to men but with someone who they can connect with intellectually. This may be the missing link in your relationship with him and why he won't move forward. It's also possible you are his rebound until he is ready to commit again.
You don't need to be a rocket scientist or as successful as he is but getting your own apartment and demonstrating how you can be independent of your parents and of him will go along way in him taking you more seriously.
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