A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I want to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years but I'm worried I'll regret it. I love him a lot and I don't even know if this is the right choice or not. He's nice sometimes and used to make me happy all of the time for the first year, but now he isn't as great. He tells me I'm fat and that I need to lose weight after we have any sex which just puts me way out of the mood, and he's told me that I'm not pretty or attractive but I could be beautiful if I just put the effort in and changed and wore make up and styled my hair differently. He also doesn't take the blame for anything unless he shouldn't and it makes me feel guilty because usually he says he feels guilty or I'm guilt tripping him when I never have and never will. But everything is always my fault, and I can see how about half of it is but sometimes the things he says are my fault don't make sense like he always says that it's my fault he breaks doors and walls and his stuff or my stuff when he's angry because I made him angry but I don't know how to not make him angry!!! And he gets angry a lot whenever something small goes wrong (a lot of the time I don't even know why until he shouts it at me), but when he's angry he gets really mean. He tells me how fat I am how horrible I am everything I do wrong how stupid I am how he wishes I was different and how I don't stick to my promises and he even brought up how I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was 13 and again when I was 14 but have only told him about it and nobody else and said I was supposed to tell my mom about it but I'm too much of a pussy to tell her and that I promised I would (even though I don't want to and he's making me tell her because it bothers him and he wants my uncle put in jail but I don't want it brought up I want to forget about it) and that I can never do a single thing right and that I must be doing everything wrong and being so stupid on purpose. When he calms down later he always apologises and says he doesn't mean it but I never believe him. He's also really overprotective and possessive like he is worried about my guy friends trying to get with me when one of them is even gay. I've reassured him many times but he doesn't listen. But he has female friends that have admitted to wanting to have sex him but never have and he doesn't see anything wrong with that and says I should trust him and that he wouldn't cheat on me and I'm being stupid. He also says I want attention because I have been diagnosed with anxiety that my therapist said started when I was 11 years old and got worse (due to 'events') and he tells me to stop crying all the time and being so stupid and nervous and that i just want attention every time I have a panic attack and that I'm just faking it and every time he yells at me too much I get really scared and just want to hide away from him. There's more but it's not as important but I have no idea what to do I don't want to leave him but I don't know what to do if I try to bring this up he accuses me of guilt tripping him but I love him so much so I don't know if I should leave or not I don't even think I can I have no idea what to do anymore I've been putting up with all of this for a year now.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 March 2017):
 That is NOT your problem. He is manipulating you. If you have evidence of him saying this then show it to the police so that he can get the help he needs, this is not for you to deal with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not scared of being alone, I'm scared he will kill himself if I leave. I don't want that. And it isn't an empty threat, he will do it I know he will. That's why I'm scared to leave.[Mod note: physical violence, verbal abuse and suicide threats are abuse. You are being abused. Seek help from http://www.womensaid.org.uk They can also help you get counseling and support for the sexual abuse you suffered as a young teen. Best wishes. This question is being closed based on the suicide threats. Please get local help in the U.K. where you are located.]
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 February 2017):
 What's your gameplan here, girl? You've obviously come back on this website for a reason. How can you love someone who hates you so viciously? Who thinks and calls you ugly? Who is threatened by your very existence to the degree you aren't permitted to have eye contact with other males? who lays a hand on you? Aunts told you things were going to get worse. You say things are now worse. I'm sure some part of you thinks this is the best you can do or you deserve mistreatment, but you coming back to this website to me shows me that part of you knows this is wrong. You need to be strong for yourself. You need to be strong for the part of you that isn't sure and insecure about being alone. Overcome that fear. This IS doable. Being alone is so much better than the hell you are going through. You are being controlled so much that I don't think you even realize how manipulative he's been with you. Let's imagine that he doesn't end up vindictive or violent towards you if you try to leave: what do you think the worst case scenario is if you leave? That you'll be sad for a while? I can't imagine you're very happy as-is, though. You are doing years worth of damage that will take SO.LONG. to undo. Any additional day you add that is additional damage that you take on initial impact, and take for years of processing to come. Do yourself a favor and talk to a counselor or go to a women's shelter. Get yourself resources. Get yourself allies. Know what's going on is not love. What's going on is obedience to fear tactics. Leave leave leave.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2017):
 Oh so he punched you but he did not mean it. And he apologized immediately after.
That's a good thing, that he is so polite , and quick to see when he is in the wrong. So, at least, once he has made you end up in a wheelchair or six feet under, he will be prompt in offering your family his apologies for having unintentionally crippled or killed you. I am sure your family will appreciate.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 February 2017):
 Okay well if you love him then stay with him, he will end up KILLING you with his temper, it is a punch now but he will go to far one day and then your parents will be left without a daughter, and he will be in prison for life.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (9 February 2017):
Wow, you need to leave IMMEDIATELY.
This will not get better. He's lowered your confidence to a point where you feel like you can't cope without him. Who gives a fuck if he apologised?? That is assault and against the law, this is only going to get worse. You're seriously endangering your life by staying with this guy.
Surely you've heard of stories of girlfriends being killed by violent boyfriends. You have no idea where he will stop.
Do you honestly think this is what love Is? And how a boyfriend would treat his GF¿
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm still with him because I can't bare to leave him because I really do love him but everything has just gotten worse, he doesn't like me looking at his friends because I'm so ugly, and he gets angry if
I want to go home or not come over but I can't break up with him. He is also threatening to hit me now when I make mistakes and has punched me but immediately apologised afterwards saying it's his temper and he doesn't mean it and he's really sorry and doesn't want me to be hurt.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (21 November 2016):
Stop allowing him to control you like this. As a young woman the best thing you can do now is tell YOUR parents. Stop making excuses for him. Stop allowing him to treat you like dirt. It won't get better, you will have a miserable future if you allow people to treat you like this. First it is your weight then it will be what clothes you can wear, who you are allowed to see. Not allowed to go out or wear make up. Believe me it happens gradually and he will have you brain washed.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 November 2016):
Stop letting him guilt trip you. Whatever he does is his own problem, staying with him for the sake of things is worse that breaking up with him imo.
He's a wreck and a very weak person. He needs to emotionally blackmail you to stay with him. You need to grow a pair, break up with him, block him and whatever he does is none of your business.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (20 November 2016):
So not only is your boyfriend verbally abusive, but his family is or will be disrespectful to you too? Why are you doing this to yourself?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't have any parents and he lives alone the closest person to him is his auntie and she would blame me and yell at me and let him kill himself just so that she can blame me
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 November 2016):
Listen, he is manipulating you. You're not happy with this guy and you know you're not, you're not doing anything wrong. You guys just aren't a good match for each other and the very fact that he's threatening to kill himself shows he's mentally unstable.
If I were in your shoes, I'd break up with him and tell his parents of the threats that he's been making so that they can keep an eye on him.
You shouldn't need to change anything about yourself to please your partner and he's trying to turn this around and blame it all on you. Stop falling for his bullshit. Break up with him and block him out of your life once and for all, you're staying with him for the wrong reasons.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried to break up with him but he said he'd change and no shout and be nicer if I just lose weight first and it's my fault we aren't happy because I always blame myself but he blames me too, but he said if I do that we can be happy again like before but if I don't and we break up he will probably kill himself (and he's not bluffing I know he's not)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 November 2016):
The boy clearly has got big issues and he needs help to solve them. Specialized help, not a doormat girlfriend's help. I know you mean well, but your meekness and your willingnes to go along with his brand of crazy and take the blame for it, actually damages BOTH of you.
I also refuse to believe that being in love can be an excuse for totally abandoning logic and common sense. Ah so he told that he will " try " to work on his anger if you show him you are working on your weight ?... Why not the other way around then ? That you can work on your weight if
he shows you he has solved his anger problens ?... It would make more sense- after all your excess weight only is potentially a problem for your own health, while his rages are a potential threat for the safety of... everybody else around him.
Wise up, OP . " Crazy " in love does not necessarily mean also STUPID in love...
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 November 2016):
You need to leave this guy, threatening to cut himself is NOT normal behaviour. He's saying you're overweight and need to change for HIM to want to stay with YOU.
If I had a girlfriend who dropped anything like that on me I'd be out the door and wouldn't look back.
Seriously, you will date someone else in future that won't be anything like this guy and you'll wonder what the hell you were thinking for staying with this guy so long,
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (15 November 2016):
Dude is seriously unstable. He's a walking shipwreck-Don't let him take you down too.
NO reasonable person would tell you to stay in this relationship. If they have, they don't have your best interests at heart. No good can come from the destructive path and ultimatum setting he has initiated. Have you noticed that his "love" is conditional on your weight? Love is acceptance of a person, not just a warm body or attention. Ask for emotional support from family you can trust.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (14 November 2016):
Sweetie he is trying to control you. Don't let him. You need to talk to your parents about this and let them know what he is doing. Please talk to an adult as he is going to end up destroying you if you don't get help now. You need to learn to have confidence and not allow a guy to treat you like this. If he loved you he would not ask anything from you. He would not ask you to lose weight. You need to see that this is not what you want from your future surely. Emotional blackmail is NEVER okay.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2016):
 He’s threatening you with CUTTING HIMSELF? That’s emotional blackmail. Tell his parents immediately. Tell a teacher. Tell the principal. Tell the school counselor. Tell an adult TODAY.
You are in an unhealthy relationship and need to get help IMMEDIATELY.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk today he said if I don't give proof that I've been exercising he's going to cut himself and it'll be my fault, which is unfair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2016): GIRLLLL WHY ARE YOU EVEN STAYING WITH HIM?!
WHY WOULD YOU STILL WANT TO CHANGE FOR HIM? In fact, i think hes adding to your anxiety... like seriously... Get out of that relationship and find someone who will take care of you and love you for who you are and how you look. THis guy is not worth it. Believe me, ive been there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone that gave me advice, but I am still with him though he said he will try to fix his problems with his anger if I lose weight and change a bit more. I think this is fair considering. But if he doesn't change even after I do things are over between us no matter how much I love him.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 November 2016):
What could you possibly love about him? Honey he is treating you like dirt. I do agree with him that you should tell your mother what happened with your uncle. Getting him sent to prison might stop him from hurting more young vulnerable girls.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 November 2016):
No you won't regret it. He is treating you in such an appaling way that there's nothing to regret !
Or, actually, you will regret it at first, for maybe a few weeks. Same as a person who has been living trapped in the city sewers and has got so used to the foul stench, that when she comes up and breathes fresh clean air, at first finds it weird and disturbing. But in time she realizes that's only a matter of adjusting to a ( positive ) change , not of needing stench and filth for being happy.
Although, I agree with your hopefully soon-to-be-ex bf when he says you should tell your mother about your uncle and what he did.
You see, it's not only about you. You are ONE person in in this world, - then there's the rest of the world. And we are all connected, somehow.
You say you don't want to see a relative in jail and don't want to be reminded of bad memories, and I understand that , BUT in this way we have a child molester and sexual predator scott-free and happily going about his business , which may very possibly include the business of molesting and abusing other young , innocent victims like you. While if you wanted you could stop him.
Please think about it...
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 November 2016):
I'm not sure what you'll regret about breaking up with this guy. You'll find another boyfriend one day that loves everything about you and you'll look back on this guy and think what an absolute asshole, as that's what he sounds like.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2016): Honey you need to lose this jerk now! You've been putting up with this for far too long. It may be painful at first, but once that pain passes you will never regret it. It will be like waking from a bad dream or walking out of a thick cloud of fog into the sunshine.
This guy is emotionally abusing you and it's only a matter of time before he physically abuses you. You do not deserve this. You are worth far more than this. Please leave him immediately. Surround yourself with friends and talk to your therapist about this.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 November 2016):
Why the heck are you still with this guy? Look, he put in effort initially, but once he got you, his energy petered out and he has proven himself to be a horrible long term boyfriend. He's putting you down, contributing to your anxiety, and just being a parasite of any positivity in your life. You probably don't even realize how much he is bringing you down until you leave. He has no empathy or even respect for you. People treat their dogs better. Heighten your standards, because you deserve more than this.
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