A
female
age
36-40,
*arinana
writes:There seem to be a lot of women who share this problem: the EX. I met my boyfriend and the relationship became intense right away and we completely fell in love with each other within a month. But soon after he left for a trip for several months. We agreed to stay together. We've been emailing and talking on the phone when we can. He is the first guy I have introduced to my family. And I am absolutely in love with him. Ok- so the problem: I fear I will never get over his ex. They were together six years and broke up six months before he and I started dating. They still remain close friends and have animals together and share many friends. All his friends love her and I feel like I will never be accepted. I'm so torn by this. Part of me is glad that they can still be friends, but part of me is very jealous and scared and vulnerable. I've never felt more weak or fragile. I fell so much in love with this guy, but I feel like I will never get over his ex. She seems so nice and so interesting and so well-liked. I know I am being irrational, but I can't help it. I don't know what to say to him or how to say it. I don't even understand my own feelings completely, but when I hear her name I am covered by an awful feeling like I will never measure up. Can you help?
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female
reader, karinana +, writes (7 May 2007):
karinana is verified as being by the original poster of the question Papillon, thanks for writing! It does feel good to know there are others out there that have the same problem. I think it is best to focus on the bright future, one that it looks like both of us have. I think over time I will gain the confidence. I need to remember how unhappy he was in his past relationship, and I make him happy now!
A
female
reader, papillon  +, writes (7 May 2007):
Reading your messages is like reading out of my own diary. I know how you feel, the similarities are so great. I also feel intimidated by my boyfriends ex, and wish I could make her and everything about her, their life together. disappear. Honestly, I'm jealous of their time together.
I have spoken to my boyfriend about it several times, which has helped me deal with it, but the problem doesn't really go away. He was left by his ex, so he was very hurt at the time. He told me, that he believes that things happen for a reason. Call it fate. He wasn't really happy in that relationship anymore, which he didn't realize until he started dating me. He said his life has changed tremendously, but in positive ways, since meeting me, and that he has not only found a partner he loves in me, but also a best friend.
It is still hard for me to accept that he has had a long term relationship before we met, especially since I never had such a meaningful relationship myself. I don't like to think about what they did together, what he said to her and so on. But, in the end, it's we, who have a future ahead of us, and so many years left to spend together. Why dwell on the past?
I don't know about you, but it helps me a great deal knowing I'm not the only woman out there who has a problem with the ex-factor.
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A
female
reader, karinana +, writes (5 May 2007):
karinana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know specific details besides that she broke up with him. But he said, they should have broke up years ago. Still, he ended up very depressed. He is now away on a trip- it's a five month trip and we both decided it was good because he could use the time to learn more about and understand himself. And I could feel more comfortable knowing I was not just a rebound. Of course, I still have that fear. I am completely intimidated by his past relationship. I can't make her disappear.
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A
female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (4 May 2007):
 Why did they break up?
I believe these men can't be alone. The feeling of having a woman around the house or on their side is letting them know there's someone there. I think they just need someone to take care of them or just the company of having them around.
These men need to find themselves before moving on to another relationship. By jumping right into another relationship can possibly be hurting the ones they are dating. It's not fair for the other person. I know these men still have feelings for their exes, come on now?! Especially if they have been in a relationship for a few years or more. They shared everything together, talking about marriage, moving in together, sleeping in the same bed and/or even having a child together. That is what hurts most.
Be direct with me, talk to him. Tell him what's on your mind, how you feel. By you not telling him, the situation will continue.
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A
female
reader, karinana +, writes (4 May 2007):
karinana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the advice. I feel better even just reading that people understand how I feel. I particularly liked the advice about making a list of good points about OUR relationship. The best way is to focus on the things we have together and why we are together and that list is long and makes me so happy.Is it appropriate to mention how I feel about her to him? I don't want him to feel like he can't be friends with her. And I don't want to come off as jealous and catty. Should I just keep my mouth shut? When is it appropriate to say something makes me feel uncomfortable? Is it ever?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): How do you get over it when making a list of good points doesn't help? My case is similar to karinana's.
I am also with a guy who was in a 4-year relationship before we got together. They had pets together and discussed marriage and children, plus they have the same frinds so she's always around. I can't get over that even though I've been together with him for three years now and we have a baby together.
He tells me he loves me and that he is much happier with me than he was with her, and I believe he believes it. I truely think he is someone who can't be alone. I didn't know he had only just broken up with his ex when we first started dating. If I had, I wouldn't have dated him. I don't want to be the "filler", but it's too late now. I only just had the baby when happened to find out about it. Since then I've been getting one blow after another.
Now I'm questioning everything. We moved from "their" apartment to another place and I'm finding things that she had given him, with love messages and so on. And there are so many pictures of them. My God, they were together for four years, but I really don't want to see the ones in which they are kissing.
I do love him, but somehow the realization that I may only be a place warmer is really bothering me. I don't know how I can get over this and I'm sure there are lot's of people out there who feel similarly.
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A
female
reader, miss fit  +, writes (4 May 2007):
you feel you can't measure up but the answer to that is kicking you right in the arse- he chose you. when you get into a relationship with someone you don't do it so his friends will like you, so stop caring about them
miss fit xxx
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (4 May 2007):
 Hi,
I know just how you feel, but you have to ask yourself...if she was that great why isn't he still with her.
I dont think that you are worried about not measuring up to her, its more likely that your worried he will go back. And no-one can garantee you that this wont happen. But, if you let this rule your life, it will be a misserable time for you both.
As my friends say, you cant stop this happening if its going to, so why make your life unhappy. Try to trust the fact he is in love with you, and is with you because he wants to be. What ever happened between them is history, and you are the present and his future.
I am sure you are worried for no reason, but I understand its not always easy to be rational. Just enjoy what you have with him.
My partner was with his EX 20 years, and they have 2 grown up kids. He is mates with her,and still pays for everything for her, so you can imagine how hard this is for me. I really do know where you are coming from, and how hard this is for you. But try to give him the benifit of the doubt.
XX best wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): i share the same fear - my boyfriend and i have been together for 14 months & he recently told me that his first love, lets call her A, he loved more than any of his other relationships - he has had 3 serious relationships before me, one of which he married, lets call her B.
So he married B knowing that he didnt love her as much as A.
I asked him if he loved me more than A - and he replied 'I dont know'.
Since then I have been consumed with this worry that im not his number 1 and that im his 2nd best. I love him so much & I really dont want to lose him but I also dont want to be someone's 2nd best.
I wonder if I should get out now. what if she came back to him - where would that leave me?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): Do you know why they split up? It may help you. If she is nice you must be too and how fabulous that he loves you. I have the same situation because my partner's ex is much more beautiful than me, everyone thinks she is wonderful and I know I have been compared with her by his relatives. However, they have seen the home that I have created and love it, have been blown away by my ability to cook, play guitar and my artistic ability. I am more intellectual, more deep and more whacky. I have a great sense of humour, I have a far better figure and am sensual wheras she was not at all. Most of all I make him happy.
Create such a list for yourself, it will get longer and longer.
As far as the friendship goes, it would be appropriate for them to start putting distance between them. I would not be able to cope with your situation easily either, but I don't have to see/hear much about the ex. It is hard to manage knowing the level of emotional intimacy that still exists between them and the ties such as pets.
Emotional intimacy feels like betrayal because you should eventually have the lions share of that part of him, not her. You may need to be a little patient and allow your bond with him to strengthen. A thread of friendship may remain between them and maybe you will settle into accepting it.
Create your list of good points, weave more of the magic that only you can, and let more time pass. I think those things alone will help, but if they do not you need to say to him that the level of emotional intimacy between them makes you feel excluded, and threatened because you feel that he may not have moved on from her entirely. Be gentle on yourself and on him and try not to worry.
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