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female
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anonymous
writes: I am middle aged woman dating a seven year older man for almost 2 years. I recently saw him looking at pornography on the internet when I walked into the room. I was shocked and I tried to explain to him that I felt when you are in a loving, monogomous relationship, that this is wrong and disrespectful and demeaning to women and hurts my self-esteem. He said that he enjoyed looking at these type of pictures. I have not been able to feel close to him since. Am I wrong to feel this way ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2006): Porn is good - together - share the images to dirty things up in the bed. Even if you share some in the house and you're alone, everyone's entitled to alone time and private thoughts/fantasies.
But-
My b/f has a "secret" stash of porn that he hides from me. I'm tall and white. His porn is all of petite Asians. He ogles Asian girls on the street and now I'm insecure about my looks in comparison.
We have sex once a month.
Most guys you'd think would be happy with an open minded girl... now when porn replaces sex, becomes a source of insecurity, and involves hiding and lying. (i asked if he has asian porn on his computer and he said no). Now I'm doing things against my own morals - like snooping. To put my gut feelings to rest.
This isn't okay. Where do you guys draw the line between "harmless" porn and "destructive" porn.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2005): As a male, I enjoy watching car TV shows, such as Top gear 5th gear etc... Ferrari for example, make stunning looking cars, with beautiful curves, and if they made them to look like cardboard boxes I doubt they would sell any, However because I enjoy watching car shows, it doesnt mean for a moment, that im going to scrap my current car and rush off to buy a ferrari, just because it looks good. Point is its just visual stimulus. Blokes like looking at shiney things... just because we look at it doesnt mean we are gonna run off with it... simple isnt it!
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A
male
reader, Dr Vincenzo +, writes (16 October 2005):
ALL guys look at porn wether they are in a loving relationship or wether they admit it or not. Men are visual and predatory creatures by nature (doesnt necessarily mean we cheat) and it does not mean that he finds you less attractive or loves you any less.
Get over it.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (14 October 2005):
 I see that there are some varied answers here... Men are turned on by visual stimulation and thats a fact... no matter how little or how much sex they get some still choose to masturbate.. if its not directly affecting your relationship then its not something to worry about.... its a bit like woman being obsessed with shoes and so on.. if we were told not to do it we would still do it and hide it! Yes feel hurt and feel disapointed but what harm is he really doing ? hes looking at an obscene picture on a screen whilst playing with himself.. why is that so bad ? we all like to maturbate so wheres the harm in looking at the pics on the net ? these woman are not accesible and are all part of a fantasy.. its not like hes gonna masturbate over a woman then call her to meet up now is it ? Meen just like to look at sexy woman... it doesnt mean they dont love you or dont find you attractive, its just an urge they get... some do it all the time others dont care.... i bet he wouldnt even flinch if you did it... maybe he let him know that you still want to be fancied.. but your not in the same box as these porn stars... most men like do look at it to switch off from the real world... they know they have you at home and your real.. your the everyday and your reliable and caring, he can rely on you... these girls on the net are just that.. on the net... he wouldnt want for you to be on par with them thats not what its about... its just how men see things... they love being in a relationship and being together, just sometimes they want to do their own thing... if its just looking at images where is the harm ? I think some woman take it too far and look to far in to it... i know i used to... but i actually asked my man why ? we had a great chat about it and i feel totally cool with it.. some days i think god will you stop it.. but others i dont really care.. its me he loves and me he has sex with ... im the one he wants to be with so why fight over some things on the net ? it just causes grief and your man will do it anyway regardless what you want him to do... its just human nature... learn to ignore it and concentrate on why you are together, and accept that your man likes to have a fiddle now and then all else fails join in!
Take care and dont look to far in to it.. its only degrading to the woman that actually pose for it not the ones thats dont! they choose to show themselves off let them!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): There is nothing wrong with looking at porn providing it doesn't hurt the other person or make them feel insecure.My boyfriend looks at porn and we both have a open minded relationship (and no we don't sleep around)we're both faithful to each other and sexually i have no problems with my self nor him.People use porn to spice up their sex life why don't you try it and try to be open minded if you really feel uncomftable then give him an choice and explain why if he doesn't stop you might have to find someone on your level sexually..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): I response to the anonymous male writer. Thats true...we do not have any right to tell another what to do.....HOWEVER you very much have a right to ask him to stop as it is disrespectful to you and all women and tell him if he does not then you will have no alternative but to leave the relationship and find somebody who is respectful to women and does not pollute his perception of them with this rubbish...then politely kiss him goodbye and move on...... this is perfectly reasonable and no women should have to put up with this nonense.....Remember men treat us the way we let them........
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2005): If a man tells a woman he's disgusted she watches soap operas, is it wrong for her to continue watch them? My point is, you have the same control over what he enjoys as he has over what you enjoy. That is to say . . . none.
You are right to communicate your feelings to him. You are wrong to expect that to change him. Generally, men of all ages enjoy pornography. I enjoy it. I won't get into whether it's right or wrong. I won't say, "at least he's not cheating." Infidelity happens mentally, as well as physically. Find out where his heart is. If he is viewing porn because he wants to, it has nothing to do with you. It's not a personal attack against you. It's not affecting your relationship from HIS perspective. If he is viewing porn because he's not happy with you sexually, then you have to deal with that however you see fit.
But before you feel too injured that you told him your feelings and he didn't respond the way you decided he should, ask yourself this...Have you tried to understand why he enjoys pornography? or did you try to set "no porn" rules and expect him to conform, then were shocked and offended at his lack of obedience?
You can't control him any more than he can control you.
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A
female
reader, Kay-the-Cloud +, writes (13 October 2005):
No, it's not wrong to feel bad. It is a very disrespectful thing to do. You need to tell him that he's hurting you inside, and tell him not to do it again! But if you do see him doing it again, then I suggest you break up with him.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (13 October 2005):
 No, you aren't wrong to feel this way at all and I for one personally agree with your sentiments. If you have a look at the categories on the right hand side of the first page of this site, you will find pornography listed and discover many women have felt the way you do. It is a problem and it appears to becoming more serious and frequent as time goes on. We have the internet to thank for this.
Some will tell you it is normal. Men are visually stimulated and that it doesn't mean they wish to actually do anything with these somewhat artificial women. However, why do some men do this when they have a lovely women by their side? Of course it is disrespectful but the way to turn it around is ask him how he would feel if you did the same.
I know this is really playground tatics but it is hard to find a solution to this problem. If you purchased 'Scarlet' magazine or 'For Women' (the latter depicts men naked) and left them lying around or even read them in front of him; how would he feel?
If he caught you more than once using a vibrator, how would he feel?
If you don't wish to do these things, then simply ask him how he would feel. Try to help him to understand exactly how you feel and the effect it is having on you. He needs to realise that his actions are making you feel unwanted and less likely to be intimate with him.
Being unfaithful involves a partner actually having sex with someone else but looking at pictures and imagining they are is a close second because the mind plays a very powerful role in the art of making love. You do need to understand that some men don't think this way and see nothing wrong in what they are doing (often using the excuses of all men do it, what is the harm as I'm not having sex with someone else, only looking) but it is up to you to help him to realise that many women, youself included, feel very hurt and upset by such 'viewing pleasures'.
Talk to him, ask him to try to see your point of view, ask him if he feels there is anything lacking in your own sex life that you can both work towards putting right and through doing this, he will see that you are doubting your own intimacy with him but that you wish to resolve this issue that is threatening your relationship.
Good luck.
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