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male
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anonymous
writes: Should I break it off with my fiancee?My fiancee and I have been dating for nearly 2 years, and have been engaged for about 5 months.For the longest time I was completely infatuated with her. Could not see my life without her. But for the last few months, I have slowly been losing interest.I am the primary breadwinner out of the 2 of us (we live together), as she is still in college and I finished school and started my career just over a year ago. It is causing me great stress. I know it's not her fault, but I am still worrying about money constantly as my job isn't exactly high-paying.There is also many other things, to be flat out honest (for lack of a better term) we are/were both lazy and immature people. I have been trying to correct that for a long time, but I felt she was/is constantly dragging me down. she is only starting to get better at it herself (taking better care of herself, acting her age, etc...) only due to the fact that I recently told her that things have been cooling off for me. ......I sat down with her recently and confessed that I had been thinking of ending it. That I didn't know anymore if I am still "in love with or, or just "love" her. She was totally shocked and said she had no idea I had issues with her. I told her all my problems, and she promised to do better (and generally is), because she is completely in love with me and can't do without me.After talking it over with her and straightening things out, I decided that I wanted to stay. Herein lies the problem. Although she does seem to have changed (I have even fixed the "problems" she had with me, that came up during our "talk"), I still don't feel any closer to her. I still find my self entertaining the idea of breaking it off. Also, (I didnt know how to fit it into the rest of it, sorry for the bit of a bombshell to add to the end), there is a woman that I have known for years (even before I met my fiance). We never dated or even had a "one night stand", but we always had a strong connection. It was always either she was with someone, or I was with someone, or one of us didn't want to be anyone currently due to a recent breakup, and for a while it was due to her being gone for school for a couple years, and neither of us really wanted a long distance relationship. She has been back in town for a year or so now and we have always kept in touch and even harmlessly flirted (look but dont touch is the philosophy I go by). Anyways, she has recently gone on a "break" with her current boyfriend that seems to be headed to "break-up". She has basically extended me an "open invitation" to go out with her. I find myself entertaining the idea. I think about it all the time and worry if the feelings are just "the grass is greener on the other side". I dont know what to do? I love my fiancee, but I still cant decided if I am "in love" with her. Also, could these feelings for the other woman just be skewing that?(the whole grass is greener bit) someone said this to me recently...."do you see you two together in ten years?" If you had asked me that 9 months ago, I would have said yes. Now, I can honestly say that that picture is really murky.what to do....
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 October 2005):
 You certainly should break it off. Marriage is hard enough if two people are madly in love let alone if they have doubts about their relationship. Life is short, get your life back on track and start enjoying it.
A
reader, pops +, writes (13 October 2005):
First, go looking for a new job. You can't decide anything until you get past the job related stress. Men's careers and money matters are very tightly involved in how they feel and act sexually. Don't expect to feel very passionate towards anyone until you get the money issues worked out. If you are really interested in this other woman, sit down and think about what is wrong with your current relationship beyond the job stress affecting your general self image and libido. Maybe this is not the right woman for you. But, before you say good bye, ask yourself if you are likely to find another woman who is willing to work on problems in a relationship as she has so far? No one is perfect, and all couples have problems. Have you compromised too much of yourself just to get along with her? That is a common male failing that leads to trouble down the road. And, all that marital advice you get from the older guys at work is usually wrong. They just want to see you as miserable as they are. Back off, reaccess your situation, and try, really try tofind out what is now mising from the relationship that wasn't a year ago. Be honest, and accept your own responsibility for any breakdown. And then talk to your current gf. Then talk some more. There are no guarantees you will work things out, but you will learn more about yourself, including your own limitations to love another.
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